我痛。我痛痛痛。
痛到死去活来。痛到不知所措。
我已经努力了。可是，一切努力，换来的只是这无比的剧痛。
我该怎么办？想找一个骗自己的借口，让这个梦在延续一点，但事实让我伤透了心，找不到任何自欺欺人的理由。
我深入谷底，却没有人会来帮我，救我。
我无助，但没人来安慰我。
我独处，像一个受了伤的野兽。只想静静地躲在黑暗的角落疗伤。
心碎了，梦没了。
眼泪不受控制的往下流。
我失败了。我彻彻底底的失败了。我一败涂地。
我好绝望。
我现在的处境，都是由许许多多的无可奈何所造成的。
我一开始，就没有选择的余地。
走到这里，我早已精疲力尽了。
我失去了世界的重心，被打得站不起来。
我痛。我痛痛痛 。我痛痛痛痛痛。
[受了伤的野兽只想静静地躲在黑暗的角落疗伤。]
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
long time no see...
haven't blogged in about a month!! alot of things happened... and, well, i'm really not that happy... so what's making me so upset/pissed/frustrated these few days..? well, st john as usual... more specifically, OTC.
yea, i failed my OTC theory paper... so i'll have to return my rank so... i feel like such a failure... i've already been trying my best, yet...
i'm damn pissed.
OTC came at a time where i had project presentations, exams, attachment, ICAs. i couldn't cope. i really can't.
and what's more. they're judging my ability as an officer based on a theory paper which bears few, if any, relevance to the actual running of a corps! and based on that, they're denying me and all the efforts i've ever put in for st john!! i hate this. i hate this system. i think i hate st john.
been talking to jj about this. he says, this may be the time for me to leave st john. is it, really? i don't know... should i?
spoke to mdm yati about it today. i thought i've gotten over it. i thought i'm ok now. i thought i've accepted it. but it turns out, i haven't. i was so sad, i could feel the tears in my eyes!
gosh, my blog makes me sound like someone with hyperactive tear glands..
but like i told mdm yati, going for OTC has never been about the zone/hq. it has never been and will never be. my motivation in st john is my cadets in BP. this, i'm clear. so, i guess, since st john would still welcome me back, i would probably still hang on... at least until the next ROD...
on a happier note. i got a new hp.. yea, finally got rid of the old one... i love my new phone.. yea..
i'm meeting up with my gang on sat...1 of them can't make it, but i guess, can't be helped...
right in the middle of exams now... so yea... gotta go study!!
oh, received my new mentoring assignment. bah!
yea, i failed my OTC theory paper... so i'll have to return my rank so... i feel like such a failure... i've already been trying my best, yet...
i'm damn pissed.
OTC came at a time where i had project presentations, exams, attachment, ICAs. i couldn't cope. i really can't.
and what's more. they're judging my ability as an officer based on a theory paper which bears few, if any, relevance to the actual running of a corps! and based on that, they're denying me and all the efforts i've ever put in for st john!! i hate this. i hate this system. i think i hate st john.
been talking to jj about this. he says, this may be the time for me to leave st john. is it, really? i don't know... should i?
spoke to mdm yati about it today. i thought i've gotten over it. i thought i'm ok now. i thought i've accepted it. but it turns out, i haven't. i was so sad, i could feel the tears in my eyes!
gosh, my blog makes me sound like someone with hyperactive tear glands..
but like i told mdm yati, going for OTC has never been about the zone/hq. it has never been and will never be. my motivation in st john is my cadets in BP. this, i'm clear. so, i guess, since st john would still welcome me back, i would probably still hang on... at least until the next ROD...
on a happier note. i got a new hp.. yea, finally got rid of the old one... i love my new phone.. yea..
i'm meeting up with my gang on sat...1 of them can't make it, but i guess, can't be helped...
right in the middle of exams now... so yea... gotta go study!!
oh, received my new mentoring assignment. bah!
Sunday, July 30, 2006
st. john
As I sit crying, I wish my tears can bring away my sadness.
To the sec 4s, I just want to say, thank you.
Thank you for giving me the chance to lead you.
Thank you for giving me the chance to guide you.
Thank you for allowing me to learn with you.
Thank you for letting me grow with you.
Just, thank you.
I can’t believe that my babies are leaving me already. It seems as if it was yesterday that I starred appearing back in corps. And when I read serxing’s blog just now, I feel guilty. In her blog, she commented that I try very hard to shelter you guys and bond with you guys. But I think, I’ve failed. Terribly. I haven’t really given of my best to you, I haven’t bonded with you guys.
I still have so much more to teach you, so much more to share. Yet, you’re leaving me now. What happened to all the time? What happened? What have I done for you? Will you even remember me? I feel guilty. I feel sorry. I’m, and grieving.
I’m crying and the tears won’t stop rolling. I can’t concentrate on preparing for my OTC stuff tomorrow, yet, I don’t really care. Cos, I’m losing my babies, the apples of my eye, and I can’t stop crying.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being such a lousy instructor then, and for being an even more terrible officer now. I’m sorry I’ve not really given of my best. I’m sorry I haven’t given you better. I’m sorry I haven’t fulfilled all my promises. I’m sorry I didn’t give you more.
Vitamin C lyrics
"Vitamin C Graduation (friends Forever) lyrics"
And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June
I didn't know much of love
But it came too soon
And there was me and you
And then we got real blue
Stay at home talking on the telephone with me
We'd get so excited, and we'd get so scared
Laughing at our selves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels
[1] - As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever
So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
When we look back now
Will our jokes still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels
[Repeat 1]
La, la, la, la:.....
Yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la:.....
We will still be friends forever
Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there?
Can we make it somehow?(somehow)
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
[Repeat 1 (3x)]
Dear Father,
Please bless all my babies in their future endeavors. Please take care of them and be with them. Please keep them safe from harm and evil.
Father help me. Help me be a better leader to the next batch of NCOs. Help me Father, to do what I meant to do, to show them your love, and your grace. Father, make me in your image, that I may lead righteously.
Father, please take away all these tears that won’t stop flowing, father, please make my heart whole again for it’s now broken.
Father, please be with me tonight.
All these I pray in Jesus’ most precious name, Amen.
[audrey is terribly miserable.]
To the sec 4s, I just want to say, thank you.
Thank you for giving me the chance to lead you.
Thank you for giving me the chance to guide you.
Thank you for allowing me to learn with you.
Thank you for letting me grow with you.
Just, thank you.
I can’t believe that my babies are leaving me already. It seems as if it was yesterday that I starred appearing back in corps. And when I read serxing’s blog just now, I feel guilty. In her blog, she commented that I try very hard to shelter you guys and bond with you guys. But I think, I’ve failed. Terribly. I haven’t really given of my best to you, I haven’t bonded with you guys.
I still have so much more to teach you, so much more to share. Yet, you’re leaving me now. What happened to all the time? What happened? What have I done for you? Will you even remember me? I feel guilty. I feel sorry. I’m, and grieving.
I’m crying and the tears won’t stop rolling. I can’t concentrate on preparing for my OTC stuff tomorrow, yet, I don’t really care. Cos, I’m losing my babies, the apples of my eye, and I can’t stop crying.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being such a lousy instructor then, and for being an even more terrible officer now. I’m sorry I’ve not really given of my best. I’m sorry I haven’t given you better. I’m sorry I haven’t fulfilled all my promises. I’m sorry I didn’t give you more.
Vitamin C lyrics
"Vitamin C Graduation (friends Forever) lyrics"
And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June
I didn't know much of love
But it came too soon
And there was me and you
And then we got real blue
Stay at home talking on the telephone with me
We'd get so excited, and we'd get so scared
Laughing at our selves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels
[1] - As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever
So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
When we look back now
Will our jokes still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels
[Repeat 1]
La, la, la, la:.....
Yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la:.....
We will still be friends forever
Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there?
Can we make it somehow?(somehow)
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
[Repeat 1 (3x)]
Dear Father,
Please bless all my babies in their future endeavors. Please take care of them and be with them. Please keep them safe from harm and evil.
Father help me. Help me be a better leader to the next batch of NCOs. Help me Father, to do what I meant to do, to show them your love, and your grace. Father, make me in your image, that I may lead righteously.
Father, please take away all these tears that won’t stop flowing, father, please make my heart whole again for it’s now broken.
Father, please be with me tonight.
All these I pray in Jesus’ most precious name, Amen.
[audrey is terribly miserable.]
Thursday, July 13, 2006
debate
adjudicated in debate today... and i realised that, i really do love debating... i don't want to quit!!
but i seriously feel unappreciated.
and where on earth am i going to find time for st john if i don't quit debate?!
but i seriously feel unappreciated.
and where on earth am i going to find time for st john if i don't quit debate?!
Sunday, July 09, 2006
世界末日
想笑来伪装掉下的眼泪
点点头承认自己会怕黑
我只求能借一点的时间来陪
你却连同情都不给
想哭来试探自己麻痹了没
全世界好像只有我疲惫
无所谓反正难过就敷衍走一回
但愿绝望和无奈远走高飞
天灰灰会不会
让我忘了你是谁
夜越黑梦违背
难追难回味
我的世界将被摧毁
也许事与愿违
累不累睡不睡
单影无人相依偎
夜越黑梦违背
有谁肯安慰
我的世界将被摧毁
也许颓废也是另一种美
[audrey is so tired that she's dying]
i'm so tired that a little bit of me dies with everything that i do... nothing seems to go right despite all the effort that i've been putting in!! i've got no idea what to do anymorenow... i'm really behind on my schoolwork and BCLS is coming up... just what do i get out of everything that i do that makes me keep doing what i'm doing?!
i'm tired.
i need a shoulder to lie on.
i just want to go to sleep and wake up a million years later.
but this mental enhaustion isn't something that sleep can cure. sleep can but numb it while i rest physically. yet in my sleep, i get no rest from this mental torment. i find it difficult just to get to sleep with a thousand thoughts that race through my head and demands attention. nightmares haunt me when i finally drop off into a state of comatose. yes, i don't slepp, i just enter into a coma for a few hours each night.
even sitting here with my eyelids drooping shut, i know, once my head hits the pillow, thoughts will start rushing to my cognitive consciousness and a hundred little details demand immediate attention. so, i choose to engage in this mindless activity known as blogging... in the futile hope that maybe, just maybe, that putting my thoughs and feelings to words will help ease this constant mental torture everytime i try to rest...
[audrey is so tired that she's dying]
i'm tired.
i need a shoulder to lie on.
i just want to go to sleep and wake up a million years later.
but this mental enhaustion isn't something that sleep can cure. sleep can but numb it while i rest physically. yet in my sleep, i get no rest from this mental torment. i find it difficult just to get to sleep with a thousand thoughts that race through my head and demands attention. nightmares haunt me when i finally drop off into a state of comatose. yes, i don't slepp, i just enter into a coma for a few hours each night.
even sitting here with my eyelids drooping shut, i know, once my head hits the pillow, thoughts will start rushing to my cognitive consciousness and a hundred little details demand immediate attention. so, i choose to engage in this mindless activity known as blogging... in the futile hope that maybe, just maybe, that putting my thoughs and feelings to words will help ease this constant mental torture everytime i try to rest...
[audrey is so tired that she's dying]
Friday, July 07, 2006
*thinking*
i've been thinking about OOC-ing... i mean, since i'm so NOT appreciated at zone level, and there's friction with the others about planning the competition team trainings and committee meetings against my schedule, maybe, st john is really not for me after all...? and since this is so, no point wasting anymore time in OTC.. might as well just OOC and i can take the time to go church, rest, catch up on homework, meet up with friends...
guys, when you read this post, please do leave a comment and tell me if i'm good enough. tell me if i'm qualified to train you. tell me if i'm good enough to be your officer. tell me what you want from me. even if you hate me, please, just tell me. so that i can at least decide what i want to do. so that i can grief and move on from st john if necessary.
i'm only trying my best.
i've seriously NO idea what i'm doing... why am i still in st john? why do i still persist in doing this even when all my close friends advise me against doing so? is it really only love for st john and passion for the work that i do? or is it more than that? i'm so confused...
what am i going to do if i suddenly cut st john from my life?
would i feel lost?
would it be empty?
or would i find more meaning for life?
would i very much prefer my life without st john?
st john has come to become such a large part of my life over the past 5 odd years.
it has given me so much, taught me so much and affected me, just as much...
i'm just trying to give back to st john what it has given me!!
i'm just trying to pay what my seniors gave me forward to my juniors!! is that so wrong?!
God, what should i do?
[thinking. considering. wondering. contemplating. pondering. deliberating. meditating. reflecting. musing. ruminating. mulling. cogitating. analyzing. rationalizing. evaluating. questioning.]
guys, when you read this post, please do leave a comment and tell me if i'm good enough. tell me if i'm qualified to train you. tell me if i'm good enough to be your officer. tell me what you want from me. even if you hate me, please, just tell me. so that i can at least decide what i want to do. so that i can grief and move on from st john if necessary.
i'm only trying my best.
i've seriously NO idea what i'm doing... why am i still in st john? why do i still persist in doing this even when all my close friends advise me against doing so? is it really only love for st john and passion for the work that i do? or is it more than that? i'm so confused...
what am i going to do if i suddenly cut st john from my life?
would i feel lost?
would it be empty?
or would i find more meaning for life?
would i very much prefer my life without st john?
st john has come to become such a large part of my life over the past 5 odd years.
it has given me so much, taught me so much and affected me, just as much...
i'm just trying to give back to st john what it has given me!!
i'm just trying to pay what my seniors gave me forward to my juniors!! is that so wrong?!
God, what should i do?
[thinking. considering. wondering. contemplating. pondering. deliberating. meditating. reflecting. musing. ruminating. mulling. cogitating. analyzing. rationalizing. evaluating. questioning.]
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
woots
gosh!! haven't blogged in about a million years..!!
*starts swiping DUST off my blog*
lolz... alot of things happened recently...
firstly, i'm now in OTC, carrying the rank of OCT and cadets call me Mdm... wahaha... sounds so grand... been working my new committee closely regarding their ROD proposal... am extremely overjoyed to have received only positive comments from TICs and other instructors... committee, THANK ME!!
wahaha... been quite happy thus far... even though i've been sick... but life seems so fulfilling...
deabte... contemplating quitting debate now... cos i feel unappreciated and kind of useless... besides, st john is taking up far too much time for me to be able to attend debate trainings properly... so ya...
SNA... today's going to be the second time i miss SNA meetings cos of st john... better buck off before they kick me off the committee!! o well...
so many things have happened recently...
*starts swiping DUST off my blog*
lolz... alot of things happened recently...
firstly, i'm now in OTC, carrying the rank of OCT and cadets call me Mdm... wahaha... sounds so grand... been working my new committee closely regarding their ROD proposal... am extremely overjoyed to have received only positive comments from TICs and other instructors... committee, THANK ME!!
wahaha... been quite happy thus far... even though i've been sick... but life seems so fulfilling...
deabte... contemplating quitting debate now... cos i feel unappreciated and kind of useless... besides, st john is taking up far too much time for me to be able to attend debate trainings properly... so ya...
SNA... today's going to be the second time i miss SNA meetings cos of st john... better buck off before they kick me off the committee!! o well...
so many things have happened recently...
Friday, May 26, 2006
*wondering*
as i take on more responsibilities, i'm seriously wondering what i really want to do... what's motivating me to take on more responsibilities/activities than i can cope? what do i get out of it all at the end of the day? i wonder...
trying to settle into my new post as the secretary of SNASC now... find their files in a gigantic mess?! changing things into the way i'm used to and like... ie. the UG way... lolz... never realised that my secretaries have to work so hard just to produce up to standard meeting minutes... will try not to be so hard on them now... but when i do scold them, i've got all the more authority 'cos i can do exactly the same thing and more!! watch out man.
the new SJAB committee has been announced. pardon me, but suddely, i just feel that the new committee is just going to keep giving me MORE problems... related to who is in what department, no less... o well, at least i know that there's a few i can definitely count on to get things done...
still waiting for news regarding OTC... will call up 1 of the TICs soon...
inter-school debate is finally over...!! SHS B, allied health team, won... woo hoo!! we won!! mr bernard generously agreed to burn a BIG hole in his pocket... he's standing treat... wahaha...!! he has got NO idea what he's getting himself into...
man, i miss erene... wondering how she's doing and everything... but really cant find the time to talk to her, or even e-mail her... nevermind, my holidays are coming... will develop the photos we took then send them to her along with a long loong looong letter...
gtg!! got class!!
trying to settle into my new post as the secretary of SNASC now... find their files in a gigantic mess?! changing things into the way i'm used to and like... ie. the UG way... lolz... never realised that my secretaries have to work so hard just to produce up to standard meeting minutes... will try not to be so hard on them now... but when i do scold them, i've got all the more authority 'cos i can do exactly the same thing and more!! watch out man.
the new SJAB committee has been announced. pardon me, but suddely, i just feel that the new committee is just going to keep giving me MORE problems... related to who is in what department, no less... o well, at least i know that there's a few i can definitely count on to get things done...
still waiting for news regarding OTC... will call up 1 of the TICs soon...
inter-school debate is finally over...!! SHS B, allied health team, won... woo hoo!! we won!! mr bernard generously agreed to burn a BIG hole in his pocket... he's standing treat... wahaha...!! he has got NO idea what he's getting himself into...
man, i miss erene... wondering how she's doing and everything... but really cant find the time to talk to her, or even e-mail her... nevermind, my holidays are coming... will develop the photos we took then send them to her along with a long loong looong letter...
gtg!! got class!!
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
一直很安静
空荡的街景想找个人放感情
做这种决定是寂寞与我为邻
我们的爱情像你路过的风景
一直在进行脚步却从来不会为我而停
给你的爱一直很安静
来交换你偶尔给的关心
明明是三个人的电影
我却始终不能有姓名
给你的爱一直很安静
来交换你偶尔给的关心
明明是三个人的电影
我却始终不能有姓名
给你的爱一直很安静
我从一开始就下定决心
以为自己要的是曾经
却发现爱一定要有回音
我们的爱情像你路过的风景
一直在进行脚步却从来不会为我而停
给你的爱一直很安静
来交换你偶尔给的关心
明明是三个人的电影
我却始终不能有姓名
给你的爱一直很安静
除了泪在我的脸上任性
原来缘份是用来说明
你突然不爱我这件事情
做这种决定是寂寞与我为邻
我们的爱情像你路过的风景
一直在进行脚步却从来不会为我而停
给你的爱一直很安静
来交换你偶尔给的关心
明明是三个人的电影
我却始终不能有姓名
给你的爱一直很安静
来交换你偶尔给的关心
明明是三个人的电影
我却始终不能有姓名
给你的爱一直很安静
我从一开始就下定决心
以为自己要的是曾经
却发现爱一定要有回音
我们的爱情像你路过的风景
一直在进行脚步却从来不会为我而停
给你的爱一直很安静
来交换你偶尔给的关心
明明是三个人的电影
我却始终不能有姓名
给你的爱一直很安静
除了泪在我的脸上任性
原来缘份是用来说明
你突然不爱我这件事情
Sunday, May 14, 2006
bad...
just came back from chalet today. and it's really bad. first, the chalet literally stink to the heavens. then, very few people actually came. plus, there were some un-invited guests. furthermore, there was not enough food and no drinks. it was a whole series of mis-adventures... poorly organised and terribly carried out. and weiliang really super pissed me out!! but that's another story.
but while i was lamenting the lousiness of it all, i realised that i've been too wrapped up in my own world. for though i can sense his sadness, and i could guess the source, but i couldn't and didn't do anything about it. so when we talked and the beach last night, his tears humbled me. i've been too uncaring and insensitive. what kind of person am i?! i promised to be there for you but i wasn't. i said i would be the lighthouse to lead you home and away from dangers, but where was i?
a thousand things to say but this is not the place to do it.
gosh. i feel lousy.
can't believe i actually abandoned my family and friends for this lousy experience. but then again, without lousy experiences, how would i know which ones are wonderful?
[the road may seem arduous now. but when it's all over and you finally look back, you'll see that the overwhelming obstacles now are but grains of sand in your shoes.]
but while i was lamenting the lousiness of it all, i realised that i've been too wrapped up in my own world. for though i can sense his sadness, and i could guess the source, but i couldn't and didn't do anything about it. so when we talked and the beach last night, his tears humbled me. i've been too uncaring and insensitive. what kind of person am i?! i promised to be there for you but i wasn't. i said i would be the lighthouse to lead you home and away from dangers, but where was i?
a thousand things to say but this is not the place to do it.
gosh. i feel lousy.
can't believe i actually abandoned my family and friends for this lousy experience. but then again, without lousy experiences, how would i know which ones are wonderful?
[the road may seem arduous now. but when it's all over and you finally look back, you'll see that the overwhelming obstacles now are but grains of sand in your shoes.]
Saturday, May 13, 2006
18
i'm finally 18!!
i realise, that it it now time to put behind all my wilfulness and selfishness. it is really time to grow and start taking responsibilities for all that i do. so for this year, i've set out a few resolutions for myself.
1) be more tolerant of stupid people.
2) forget him.
3) grow up.
18, a year of aspirations and dreams. 18 years of being taken care of, it's now time for me to take taking care of others.
yet i'm afraid that i will wake up one day to find that all the people who stand by me have gone. but the people i need to stand by just grows in increasing numbers.
[you can only see the brightest stars in the darkest nights.]
[you may not always see them, but the stars are always there. ]
[the stars will guide you home. ]
i want to be a star.
[i'll just close my eyes and pretend to be a star.]
i realise, that it it now time to put behind all my wilfulness and selfishness. it is really time to grow and start taking responsibilities for all that i do. so for this year, i've set out a few resolutions for myself.
1) be more tolerant of stupid people.
2) forget him.
3) grow up.
18, a year of aspirations and dreams. 18 years of being taken care of, it's now time for me to take taking care of others.
yet i'm afraid that i will wake up one day to find that all the people who stand by me have gone. but the people i need to stand by just grows in increasing numbers.
[you can only see the brightest stars in the darkest nights.]
[you may not always see them, but the stars are always there. ]
[the stars will guide you home. ]
i want to be a star.
[i'll just close my eyes and pretend to be a star.]
Friday, May 12, 2006
pizza hut again...
not that i mind pizza hut but i really don't like surprises like that. i've already condescended to have an extra member in our gang but she CANNOT upset all our plans just because she's vegetarian and chose to conceal it until we're all queuing at Seoul Garden. it's not fair. it's irresponsible. it's irritating. she's STUPID!! come on. please. besides. she has got absolutely NO sense of propriety!! i mean, not that i really mind her coming along... the more the merrier. but it's just too blatantly obvious that she belongs to a different league. imagine someone who needs most of your words literally explained and never gets any jokes even while the rest are laughing. she cracks jokes which nobody understands and laughs by herself in such a loud and boisterous manner that it's emberrassing. it's a disgrace being out with her. yea. tolerance. but, whatever. i'm pissed. i'm damned pissed.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
sick sia.
damn it. i'm sick?! got URTI... cough, sore throat, runny nose, fever... damn.
totally "voice-less"... how to go for deabte?! and there's 2 sessions tomorrow... SHS debate follwed by CADC... argh...!!!
anyway, went to BP to hand in the OTC stuff to Mdm. Yati today. found out that someone else is actually going but she may not be able to make it due to SYF in june... well... i guess it's good... we can help each other instead of 1 person shouldering the whole burden...
smsed Jie a bit about OTC... the only thing i can say is, thanks. i'm going to need a lot of support to see OTC through and i just want to say thanks to all my guys who said that they'll support me and stand by me.
Jie, you're not being selfish when you wish that i will go OTC... 'cos i'm the one who's selfish around here... i kept thinking about myself and the load that i carry... forgetting that i have a commitment and responsibility to you guys.
i've chosen the path to take and i'll walk the path i've chosen. God will stand by me and walk with me. Father i pray, please help me to walk the steadfast road and choose wisely. help me to make decisions for the good of everyone and may the choices i make by inspired by You for the good of Your kingdom. Father, bless me in all my endeavours.
School,
St. John (including OTC),
Debate,
SHS club,
Student Union,
SNA,
Mentoring,
Poly PEP,
Wesley Kids In Discovery,
Crisis Relief Wesley.
Father, i commit all these unto you. help me to see them through and through them, grow i You.
I pray all these in Jesus' most precious name. Amen.
[drugged by all the medicines i'm taking. going to S-L-E-E-P.]
totally "voice-less"... how to go for deabte?! and there's 2 sessions tomorrow... SHS debate follwed by CADC... argh...!!!
anyway, went to BP to hand in the OTC stuff to Mdm. Yati today. found out that someone else is actually going but she may not be able to make it due to SYF in june... well... i guess it's good... we can help each other instead of 1 person shouldering the whole burden...
smsed Jie a bit about OTC... the only thing i can say is, thanks. i'm going to need a lot of support to see OTC through and i just want to say thanks to all my guys who said that they'll support me and stand by me.
Jie, you're not being selfish when you wish that i will go OTC... 'cos i'm the one who's selfish around here... i kept thinking about myself and the load that i carry... forgetting that i have a commitment and responsibility to you guys.
i've chosen the path to take and i'll walk the path i've chosen. God will stand by me and walk with me. Father i pray, please help me to walk the steadfast road and choose wisely. help me to make decisions for the good of everyone and may the choices i make by inspired by You for the good of Your kingdom. Father, bless me in all my endeavours.
School,
St. John (including OTC),
Debate,
SHS club,
Student Union,
SNA,
Mentoring,
Poly PEP,
Wesley Kids In Discovery,
Crisis Relief Wesley.
Father, i commit all these unto you. help me to see them through and through them, grow i You.
I pray all these in Jesus' most precious name. Amen.
[drugged by all the medicines i'm taking. going to S-L-E-E-P.]
Monday, May 01, 2006
你那么爱她
直到爱消失你才懂去珍惜
身边每个美好风景只是它早离去
直到你想通他早已经不再对你
留恋最后的你开始了一段挣扎
你那么爱她为什么不把她留下
为什么不说心里话
你深爱她这是每个人都知道啊
你那么爱她为什么不把她留下
是不是你有深爱的两个她
所以你不想再让自己无法自拔
Sunday, April 30, 2006
原来
街灯绊住我眼前
下一步
拉长的影子
嘲弄的回顾
电话亭仍留着你的话
一句话掉一滴泪
今晚的我会是如何入睡
原来最疼痛的表情竟是没有情绪
原来最残忍的画面可以甜言蜜语
我不懂得如何更爱你
影子讽刺地跟着我难分难离
原来最孤单的是我还是那么想你
原来最悲哀的是我不能面对自己
你收的干净
我也会不留一点痕迹
说故事也要像是真的
可是别触动那些回忆
今夜你说了最后一句一句
话掉一滴泪
看来今晚的我很难入睡
原来最疼痛的表情竟是没有情绪
原来最残忍的画面可以甜言蜜语
我不懂得如何更爱你
影子讽刺地跟着我难分难离
原来最孤单的是我还是那么想你
原来最悲哀的是我不能面对自己
你收的干净
我也会不留一点痕迹
下一步
拉长的影子
嘲弄的回顾
电话亭仍留着你的话
一句话掉一滴泪
今晚的我会是如何入睡
原来最疼痛的表情竟是没有情绪
原来最残忍的画面可以甜言蜜语
我不懂得如何更爱你
影子讽刺地跟着我难分难离
原来最孤单的是我还是那么想你
原来最悲哀的是我不能面对自己
你收的干净
我也会不留一点痕迹
说故事也要像是真的
可是别触动那些回忆
今夜你说了最后一句一句
话掉一滴泪
看来今晚的我很难入睡
原来最疼痛的表情竟是没有情绪
原来最残忍的画面可以甜言蜜语
我不懂得如何更爱你
影子讽刺地跟着我难分难离
原来最孤单的是我还是那么想你
原来最悲哀的是我不能面对自己
你收的干净
我也会不留一点痕迹
会有那么一天
一九四三世界大战
阿嬷年轻的时候
爷爷爱他那么多
他们感情很深
但是爷爷身负重任
就在离乡的那夜
给了阿嬷一个吻
轻声说到
我要离去别再哭泣
不要伤心请你相信我
要等待我的爱
陪你永不离开
因为会有那么一
天我们牵著手在草原
听鸟儿歌唱的声音
听我说声我爱你
夕阳西下鸟儿回家
阿嬷躺在病床上
呼吸有一点散漫
眼神却很温柔
看著爷爷湿透的眼
握著他粗糙的手
阿嬷的泪水开始流
轻声说道
我要离去别再哭泣
不要伤心请你相信我
要等待我的爱
陪你永不离开
因为会有那么一
天我们牵著手在草原
听鸟儿歌唱的声音
听我说声我爱你
阿嬷年轻的时候
爷爷爱他那么多
他们感情很深
但是爷爷身负重任
就在离乡的那夜
给了阿嬷一个吻
轻声说到
我要离去别再哭泣
不要伤心请你相信我
要等待我的爱
陪你永不离开
因为会有那么一
天我们牵著手在草原
听鸟儿歌唱的声音
听我说声我爱你
夕阳西下鸟儿回家
阿嬷躺在病床上
呼吸有一点散漫
眼神却很温柔
看著爷爷湿透的眼
握著他粗糙的手
阿嬷的泪水开始流
轻声说道
我要离去别再哭泣
不要伤心请你相信我
要等待我的爱
陪你永不离开
因为会有那么一
天我们牵著手在草原
听鸟儿歌唱的声音
听我说声我爱你
只对你说
站在寂寞的舞台上
灯光下拖着自己的影子
音乐重复我们共同的忧伤
不是每一次的演唱
就可以淡忘明天没有你
in my heart we'll never be apart
残留手上的香味提醒我
在数位相机里留下的承诺
每一封简讯传出的思念
都对你说
Sarang Heiyo means i love you
代表着我离不开你
每分每秒每一个声音
只有你撒娇会让我微笑
Sarang Heiyo 只对你说
i will love you and forevermore
我答应 baby you will see
每一个我都属于你
oh baby i will love you because
我都属于你
go away.
to all those people on my case for something or other, please, JUST GET OFF MY BACK!!!
cut me some slack can?
tomorrow is a public holiday. don't know what i want to do. should study... but really not motivated...
To-Do-List (in order of urgency)
school: study and catch up on what i've lost. especially bio and clinic lab.
school: find out what to do with the 3 people who's supposed to join us and inform/call them.
CADC: call freshies.
St. John: decide what i want to do.
inter-school debate: decide what i want to do and tell halim/terrence about it.
mentoring: call/sms my mentees.
St. John: ROD cards for all sec 4s.
SNA: decide whether i want to take up their invitation to join the Students' Charter Committee.
the rest of my CCAs are currently still inactive. thank God.
sigh... so many things to do, yet so little time...
Time Management: Fail.
Prioritising: Fail.
wait. supposed to meet Jie to mug tomorrow. but he didn't reply me / answer my call. damn it. nevermind, i shall just rot an home another day then.
[just let me sleep the days away...]
[standing at the crossroads of life, i've really no idea what to do.]
cut me some slack can?
tomorrow is a public holiday. don't know what i want to do. should study... but really not motivated...
To-Do-List (in order of urgency)
school: study and catch up on what i've lost. especially bio and clinic lab.
school: find out what to do with the 3 people who's supposed to join us and inform/call them.
CADC: call freshies.
St. John: decide what i want to do.
inter-school debate: decide what i want to do and tell halim/terrence about it.
mentoring: call/sms my mentees.
St. John: ROD cards for all sec 4s.
SNA: decide whether i want to take up their invitation to join the Students' Charter Committee.
the rest of my CCAs are currently still inactive. thank God.
sigh... so many things to do, yet so little time...
Time Management: Fail.
Prioritising: Fail.
wait. supposed to meet Jie to mug tomorrow. but he didn't reply me / answer my call. damn it. nevermind, i shall just rot an home another day then.
[just let me sleep the days away...]
[standing at the crossroads of life, i've really no idea what to do.]
*lost*
as a million thoughts run through my mind, i don't know how to pen my feelings. i seem to have lost all my linguistic abilities and am now drowning in a pool of emotions. it seems as if i'm meeting obstructions whichever way i turn. whatever path i choose to take seems frighteningly arduous. i have got no idea what kind of decisions to make. they are all regarding different aspects of my life yet are at the same time, interlinked. one decision affects all others and i've no idea which decision to make first or what choice i should make.
as tears run down my cheecks and wet my pillow, i just want to shut everything out. i just want to find somebody to lean on and fall asleep for a long long time until everything blows over.
who will be my shoulder to lie on?
when things get too much for me to bear, who will be there?
when i need a hug, who will be there?
when i need support, who can i turn to?
when i'm sunk in confusion, who will give me a hand?
when i'm lost in darkness, who will hold my hand and lead me out?
please everyone, cut me some slack. let me concentrate on what most students do: study, go out, have fun etc. fall in love, make unrealistic plans about the future. smile, laugh, and play the days away...
[standing at the crossroads of life, i've really no idea what to do.]
as tears run down my cheecks and wet my pillow, i just want to shut everything out. i just want to find somebody to lean on and fall asleep for a long long time until everything blows over.
who will be my shoulder to lie on?
when things get too much for me to bear, who will be there?
when i need a hug, who will be there?
when i need support, who can i turn to?
when i'm sunk in confusion, who will give me a hand?
when i'm lost in darkness, who will hold my hand and lead me out?
please everyone, cut me some slack. let me concentrate on what most students do: study, go out, have fun etc. fall in love, make unrealistic plans about the future. smile, laugh, and play the days away...
[standing at the crossroads of life, i've really no idea what to do.]
Thursday, April 27, 2006
i'm so T-O-U-C-H-E-D!!
I'M SO TOUCHED!!
'cos i found out that my babies went behind my back to plan a birthday surprise for me... so they apparently went through the files in st. john room to find out when my birthday was and started planning... i found out today 'cos they're all not old enough to book the room and sign out the key, so they called me.. but in the end, they asked one of their mummy for help...
thanks guys. really never expected you guys to do that for me...
LOVE YOU ALL!! *muacks*
haha
anyway, please do concentrate on your exams now, k?
in the meantime, if you guys need anything, you know just how to get me...
'cos i found out that my babies went behind my back to plan a birthday surprise for me... so they apparently went through the files in st. john room to find out when my birthday was and started planning... i found out today 'cos they're all not old enough to book the room and sign out the key, so they called me.. but in the end, they asked one of their mummy for help...
thanks guys. really never expected you guys to do that for me...
LOVE YOU ALL!! *muacks*
haha
anyway, please do concentrate on your exams now, k?
in the meantime, if you guys need anything, you know just how to get me...
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
crossraods
Today. Mrs Toh and Mdm Yati called me about OTC. 5 sundays of theory followed by 3d2n camp on sat, sun & mon. besides being really worried that i may be on attachment on the monday that i'm supposed to have camp. then, i'm also expected to commit to national activities such as FAC(nationals) and NDP etc. theory wil be on sundays, so fine. but i'm not sure if i want to commit so much time to cluster/zone/national activities.
i mean, 1 of my biggest motivation in agreeing to go for OTC in the first place is because i want to commit to corps, not anywhere else. i requested that the TICs call me if no one else want to go for OTC, but they called me first. damned.
i love St. John, yes i do. but do i really want to commit that much time?
i mean, besides school, i've got debate, SHS club, SU, church etc. so...? i don't know really. besides, if my nre committee is unsupportive, then it's quite pointless, isn't it? despite so much advice from seniors that i should, but is that what i really want to do?
will my juniors support me? will i be able to fulfill my commitment? am i up to it?
[Standing at the crossrads of life,I've really no idea what to do.]
i mean, 1 of my biggest motivation in agreeing to go for OTC in the first place is because i want to commit to corps, not anywhere else. i requested that the TICs call me if no one else want to go for OTC, but they called me first. damned.
i love St. John, yes i do. but do i really want to commit that much time?
i mean, besides school, i've got debate, SHS club, SU, church etc. so...? i don't know really. besides, if my nre committee is unsupportive, then it's quite pointless, isn't it? despite so much advice from seniors that i should, but is that what i really want to do?
will my juniors support me? will i be able to fulfill my commitment? am i up to it?
[Standing at the crossrads of life,I've really no idea what to do.]
Monday, April 03, 2006
i'm sorry
ok, what happened on 3/29/2006 was a misunderstanding. i apologise.
please forgive me my selfishness and thoughtlessnesss.
please forgive me my selfishness and thoughtlessnesss.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
used
what happened was, one of my cadets called me at about 0000hrs to ask a favour of me. he asked me to help him buy colored paper and then send it to school for him.
HELLO??!!
i'm your senior, your instructor, your friend. NOT your slave or maid.
i'm always willing to help you guys out of a tight spot but this is too much. AND YOU KNOW VERY WELL THAT I"M INJURED!!
i've no idea what to say.
but i'm still sorry i couldn't help you.
HELLO??!!
i'm your senior, your instructor, your friend. NOT your slave or maid.
i'm always willing to help you guys out of a tight spot but this is too much. AND YOU KNOW VERY WELL THAT I"M INJURED!!
i've no idea what to say.
but i'm still sorry i couldn't help you.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
the guy i like
was talking to some friends just now about the girls they like and the guy i like. am feeling really rejected now. i mean, i'm not asking for a lot, i just want a guy who's smarter than me. is that so very difficult?
there is actually a guy i like. but he, unfortunately, probably doesn't even remember my existence.
am i destined to be liked by guys i don't like and not be liked by the guys i like?
there is actually a guy i like. but he, unfortunately, probably doesn't even remember my existence.
am i destined to be liked by guys i don't like and not be liked by the guys i like?
Friday, March 24, 2006
training today
ahaha. i never blog about debate because there's really nothing to blog about. but st. john? HA. that's a different story.
guess what? i sprained my ankle today. was doing TOC with the gus then i kind of stepped in to the drain?! well, something like that.
[sprained my ankle. AGAIN][left foot is numb][die]
guess what? i sprained my ankle today. was doing TOC with the gus then i kind of stepped in to the drain?! well, something like that.
[sprained my ankle. AGAIN][left foot is numb][die]
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
all my hardwork?!
all my hardwork and the only thing i got in return was somebody saying that i do al that i do because i'm free?!
GOD, NO!
i do what i do for passion, for love.
was very subdued over dinner. guys were trying to cheer me up and make me talk. but sorry guys, i couldn't bring myself to.
i need some time to get over this.
GOD, NO!
i do what i do for passion, for love.
was very subdued over dinner. guys were trying to cheer me up and make me talk. but sorry guys, i couldn't bring myself to.
i need some time to get over this.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
new blog. new beginnings
wanted the backdrop to be in black, actually. but couldn't find a nice one, soo... this blog is going to sound really sad. cos' this is where i will put to words all my tears, fears and grief. i'm setting up a new blog cos the old one gave me some wonderful memories and i don't want to change that.
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