i've been utterly forgotten

well, life has, as usual, not been going well.. alot of unpleasant things happened these 2 weeks.. some my fault, some really not mine.. so many things i want to talk about, but i can't find anyone who would understand..

haven't been online for 2 weeks already, so was blog-hopping.. and i realise, no matter how hard i've tried, i've been utterly forgotten by everyone. even those whom i hold most dear. i always drive people away from me. and the only word i can use to describe me now is probably lonely.

where's everybody? when everyone's out having fun, do anyone ever remember me at all? when will people start to think that maybe even i need some concern too?

everything i've ever put in effort at, i suck. sj, where i invested most of my time and effort. moving on so well without me. having fun and everything, yet no one remembers me. it pains me to know the count the number of people who even remembers my birthday, much less bother to buy me a present.

i'm just so unimportant to everyone.

alex, my, cher, erene, farah, jj, ck, steph, zili.. all the people whom i used to see so much of, spend so much time with.. they've all forgotten me. it's just as if i've never existed..

my is enlisting on fri. and i don't even know until today. am i really still a friend?

i don't even have a cca or anything else to go to or put in effort for besides work. my life revolves around work and home. nothing else. no activities. no interest group. no cell. nothing.

then why do i want to continue to exist?

tired. very tired.

i like my work.

but i don't like the environment.

the anaesthetists like me.

the surgeons like me.

but other nurses don't like me.

they think that i'm not respecting them by sharing with other new staff what i know.

they think that i'm flirting with surgeons cos we were chatting/crapping away.

they think that i'm a know-it-all just cos i know a little more stuff than the people who came in together with me.

my boss thinks that i know my work and is good at it. but sharing what i know, which is correct, is not acceptable.

i really don't know what i want anymore.

should i just give up and ask for out?

should i hang on and keep trying?

i thought i became happier after rotating to another theatre where i got alot more opportunities to scrub.

but i now realise, it's just a facade. i'm not really doing better after all.





so what if i'm good at my work?

so what if the anaesthetists think i've got potential?

so what if the surgeons think i'm good?