st. john

As I sit crying, I wish my tears can bring away my sadness.

To the sec 4s, I just want to say, thank you.

Thank you for giving me the chance to lead you.
Thank you for giving me the chance to guide you.
Thank you for allowing me to learn with you.
Thank you for letting me grow with you.

Just, thank you.

I can’t believe that my babies are leaving me already. It seems as if it was yesterday that I starred appearing back in corps. And when I read serxing’s blog just now, I feel guilty. In her blog, she commented that I try very hard to shelter you guys and bond with you guys. But I think, I’ve failed. Terribly. I haven’t really given of my best to you, I haven’t bonded with you guys.

I still have so much more to teach you, so much more to share. Yet, you’re leaving me now. What happened to all the time? What happened? What have I done for you? Will you even remember me? I feel guilty. I feel sorry. I’m, and grieving.

I’m crying and the tears won’t stop rolling. I can’t concentrate on preparing for my OTC stuff tomorrow, yet, I don’t really care. Cos, I’m losing my babies, the apples of my eye, and I can’t stop crying.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being such a lousy instructor then, and for being an even more terrible officer now. I’m sorry I’ve not really given of my best. I’m sorry I haven’t given you better. I’m sorry I haven’t fulfilled all my promises. I’m sorry I didn’t give you more.

Vitamin C lyrics
"Vitamin C Graduation (friends Forever) lyrics"
And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June
I didn't know much of love
But it came too soon
And there was me and you
And then we got real blue
Stay at home talking on the telephone with me
We'd get so excited, and we'd get so scared
Laughing at our selves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels

[1] - As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever

So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
When we look back now
Will our jokes still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels

[Repeat 1]

La, la, la, la:.....
Yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la:.....

We will still be friends forever
Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there?
Can we make it somehow?(somehow)
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

[Repeat 1 (3x)]



Dear Father,
Please bless all my babies in their future endeavors. Please take care of them and be with them. Please keep them safe from harm and evil.

Father help me. Help me be a better leader to the next batch of NCOs. Help me Father, to do what I meant to do, to show them your love, and your grace. Father, make me in your image, that I may lead righteously.

Father, please take away all these tears that won’t stop flowing, father, please make my heart whole again for it’s now broken.

Father, please be with me tonight.

All these I pray in Jesus’ most precious name, Amen.





[audrey is terribly miserable.]

debate

adjudicated in debate today... and i realised that, i really do love debating... i don't want to quit!!

but i seriously feel unappreciated.

and where on earth am i going to find time for st john if i don't quit debate?!

世界末日

想笑来伪装掉下的眼泪

点点头承认自己会怕黑

我只求能借一点的时间来陪

你却连同情都不给

想哭来试探自己麻痹了没

全世界好像只有我疲惫

无所谓反正难过就敷衍走一回

但愿绝望和无奈远走高飞

天灰灰会不会

让我忘了你是谁

夜越黑梦违背

难追难回味

我的世界将被摧毁

也许事与愿违

累不累睡不睡

单影无人相依偎

夜越黑梦违背

有谁肯安慰

我的世界将被摧毁

也许颓废也是另一种美

[audrey is so tired that she's dying]

i'm so tired that a little bit of me dies with everything that i do... nothing seems to go right despite all the effort that i've been putting in!! i've got no idea what to do anymorenow... i'm really behind on my schoolwork and BCLS is coming up... just what do i get out of everything that i do that makes me keep doing what i'm doing?!

i'm tired.
i need a shoulder to lie on.
i just want to go to sleep and wake up a million years later.

but this mental enhaustion isn't something that sleep can cure. sleep can but numb it while i rest physically. yet in my sleep, i get no rest from this mental torment. i find it difficult just to get to sleep with a thousand thoughts that race through my head and demands attention. nightmares haunt me when i finally drop off into a state of comatose. yes, i don't slepp, i just enter into a coma for a few hours each night.

even sitting here with my eyelids drooping shut, i know, once my head hits the pillow, thoughts will start rushing to my cognitive consciousness and a hundred little details demand immediate attention. so, i choose to engage in this mindless activity known as blogging... in the futile hope that maybe, just maybe, that putting my thoughs and feelings to words will help ease this constant mental torture everytime i try to rest...





[audrey is so tired that she's dying]

*thinking*

i've been thinking about OOC-ing... i mean, since i'm so NOT appreciated at zone level, and there's friction with the others about planning the competition team trainings and committee meetings against my schedule, maybe, st john is really not for me after all...? and since this is so, no point wasting anymore time in OTC.. might as well just OOC and i can take the time to go church, rest, catch up on homework, meet up with friends...

guys, when you read this post, please do leave a comment and tell me if i'm good enough. tell me if i'm qualified to train you. tell me if i'm good enough to be your officer. tell me what you want from me. even if you hate me, please, just tell me. so that i can at least decide what i want to do. so that i can grief and move on from st john if necessary.

i'm only trying my best.

i've seriously NO idea what i'm doing... why am i still in st john? why do i still persist in doing this even when all my close friends advise me against doing so? is it really only love for st john and passion for the work that i do? or is it more than that? i'm so confused...

what am i going to do if i suddenly cut st john from my life?
would i feel lost?
would it be empty?
or would i find more meaning for life?
would i very much prefer my life without st john?

st john has come to become such a large part of my life over the past 5 odd years.
it has given me so much, taught me so much and affected me, just as much...
i'm just trying to give back to st john what it has given me!!
i'm just trying to pay what my seniors gave me forward to my juniors!! is that so wrong?!

God, what should i do?




[thinking. considering. wondering. contemplating. pondering. deliberating. meditating. reflecting. musing. ruminating. mulling. cogitating. analyzing. rationalizing. evaluating. questioning.]

woots

gosh!! haven't blogged in about a million years..!!

*starts swiping DUST off my blog*

lolz... alot of things happened recently...

firstly, i'm now in OTC, carrying the rank of OCT and cadets call me Mdm... wahaha... sounds so grand... been working my new committee closely regarding their ROD proposal... am extremely overjoyed to have received only positive comments from TICs and other instructors... committee, THANK ME!!

wahaha... been quite happy thus far... even though i've been sick... but life seems so fulfilling...

deabte... contemplating quitting debate now... cos i feel unappreciated and kind of useless... besides, st john is taking up far too much time for me to be able to attend debate trainings properly... so ya...

SNA... today's going to be the second time i miss SNA meetings cos of st john... better buck off before they kick me off the committee!! o well...

so many things have happened recently...