that scary black pit again

WARNING: EMO POST AHEAD.

2 days' rest after working 10 days. not very restful since i've been running everywhere.. had alot of fun and sharing with the bmc people. but i repeat, if i'm not volunteering, DO NOT ASK YOU IDIOT.

despite all the fun and laughter, the darkness is never far below the surface. it's waiting to catch me and devour me. i fill my hours with activities to try and escape from it's clutches. but i can sense it's presence all the time.

i feel so down and lethargic.

went to work today, completely not in the mood, acting all strange and funny.

reached home to collapse in bed.

i'm so tired.

filling my week with even more activities. knowing that it would only make me more exhausted.

when will this end?

i remember a similar time last year.

it was so scary. i was all alone, and i didn't dare tell anyone. i maintained a facade. but it was so hard. it took alot of effort for me to start putting that time behind me..

but somehow, with all the sharing going on these weeks, old wounds have been re-opened. and i realise, they've never healed in the first place. the hurt is ever strong. and it's still bleeding. i'm ready to go back into my shell, to protect myself, at the slightest hint of hurt. i no longer trust.

with all my wounds bleeding again, i'm really not in the mood to do anything.

i start missing people whom i thought i've stopped missing.

i start wanting to do things which i've stopped doing.

i miss the comradeship of old. i miss the closeness we used to share.

and i realise that what i thought i no longer cared about is still so important to me.

my thoughts, worries and insecurities keep swirling in my head. i can't concentrate on anything when concentration is what i need most.

and work hasn't been smooth, making things so much worse.





i'm falling back into that deep dark pit of despair and i've no idea how to get myself out.





i need a break. but i can't take leave.

there's things i want to do. but can't.

there's dreams i want to achieve. but it seems too far away, and unattainable.

i want to be alone. yet i'm too afraid to be alone.

i want someone to sing me to sleep again. but i fear the intimacy.

*hurt*

so, i was ranting to some people just now.

people always think that i'm fierce, or scolding someone, or am mad at someone when i'm not.. but that's another story..

so as i was saying yesterday, i've been feeling really low and stuff..

and more things happened today..

and people tell me that it's because i'm a perfectionist, that i should just let things go, that i shouldn't let what others' say get to me.

but i don't think so. i've no idea how to explain this properly. but bottom line, i'm not angry or pissed off or upset.

i'm hurt.

hurt that having known me for a while, people still don't know me. that they can still think that badly of me. that in spite of all my efforts and all, people still don't trust me.

a while back, a slightly older senior who actually isn't all that great at her work told me that she "don't trust (me)" to do the simplest things that baby staff does. that hurt - alot.

i've been so emotional lately, i don't know what's wrong with me.

i tear at the slightest thing, get pissed off at the most innocent remark/comment and get irritated/frustrated super easily.

i'm so not myself. and i don't like it.

and i really DO NOT like probing people. like hello, if i'm not volunteering anything, DON'T ASK!!

every time i open my heart, i get hurt. so badly.

i haven't been sleeping well for a couple of weeks now and it's really not helping my emotional state. i'm such a wreck these days.. i lie awake at night.physically exhausted but my mind refuses to find rest. when i do finally fall asleep, i need to get up again in 2-3 hours to start the day anew. doing long hours at ENT this week isn't helping either.

tuesday and friday renews my sense of worthlessness and uselessness. the other days fill me with apprehension and fear.

i know my stuff. yet i don't know anything at all.

to think i was once so happy to be ENT-trained.





it's just around this time last year. maybe another month or so. the hurt, the trauma, the heartache. i've no idea how i made it through the time when my world came falling down. i still feel the pain as if it was just yesterday. tears still fall when i think about it. more than indignant, angry etc, the keyword here is again, hurt.

i'm too scared to trust anymore.

i'm too wounded to open my heart anymore.





people tell me to pray. to let go. to move on and get over it.

i try. but i can't do this on my own.

yet i can't trust anyone to not break my heart again.





i want someone by my side.
yet,
i just want to be alone.

*gaah*

been feeling really low. and worthless. and unhappy.

the feeling's really pulling me down and dragging me under..

i want some peace.

i want someone to stay with me.

yet,

i want to be alone.





i want a drink. a REALLY strong one.

don't get it..

some stuff happened at work. and i really don't get the uproar. *hmfx*

on a happier note, jean and i went for a valentines' dinner date!! :)

haha.. i'm so glad to have her.. to think we used to really not like each other back in school.. but now, we're like best friends la.. haha.. His ways are indeed mysterious..

feel kind of down these days.. not quite sure why too.. haizz..

work was crappy, yes. i just completed night shift and after a week, i still can't adjust back..

and i've been running non-stop ortho since my night!! i might as well go be ortho girl already.. indeed, those ortho guys see me so much that they think i'm some new ortho recruit.. *sigh*

i'm at ENT next week.. long hours.. with mother goose. God. or people who read this, pray for me.

it'll be 10 whole days before my next off day.. 10 busy Busy BUSY days.. really tired..

but enough about work. BMC has been going GREAT!! :)

made lots of new friends.. 2 of them even live in the next block.. been having lots of fun and learning.. we're going to start our own cell! :) i love them lots :))

tired. going sleep stat.