*thinking*

i've been thinking about OOC-ing... i mean, since i'm so NOT appreciated at zone level, and there's friction with the others about planning the competition team trainings and committee meetings against my schedule, maybe, st john is really not for me after all...? and since this is so, no point wasting anymore time in OTC.. might as well just OOC and i can take the time to go church, rest, catch up on homework, meet up with friends...

guys, when you read this post, please do leave a comment and tell me if i'm good enough. tell me if i'm qualified to train you. tell me if i'm good enough to be your officer. tell me what you want from me. even if you hate me, please, just tell me. so that i can at least decide what i want to do. so that i can grief and move on from st john if necessary.

i'm only trying my best.

i've seriously NO idea what i'm doing... why am i still in st john? why do i still persist in doing this even when all my close friends advise me against doing so? is it really only love for st john and passion for the work that i do? or is it more than that? i'm so confused...

what am i going to do if i suddenly cut st john from my life?
would i feel lost?
would it be empty?
or would i find more meaning for life?
would i very much prefer my life without st john?

st john has come to become such a large part of my life over the past 5 odd years.
it has given me so much, taught me so much and affected me, just as much...
i'm just trying to give back to st john what it has given me!!
i'm just trying to pay what my seniors gave me forward to my juniors!! is that so wrong?!

God, what should i do?




[thinking. considering. wondering. contemplating. pondering. deliberating. meditating. reflecting. musing. ruminating. mulling. cogitating. analyzing. rationalizing. evaluating. questioning.]