darn.

i've been choosy about food.

got LOA.

and i regurgitated all of my lunch. (which was great food that i like, by the way)

if you who reads this understands what this means, well, i need you.

The Will of God

The Will of God will never take you,
where the grace of God cannot keep you,
where the arms of God cannot support you,
where the riches of God cannot supply your needs,
where the power of God cannot endow you.

The Will of God will never take you,
where the spirit of God cannot work through you,
where the wisdom of God cannot teach you,
where the army of God cannot protect you,
where the hands of God cannot mold you,

The Will of God will never take you,
where the love of God cannot enfold you,
where the mercies of God cannot sustain you,
where the peace of God cannot calm your fears,
where the authority of God cannot overrule you.

The Will of God will never take you,
where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears,
where the Word of God cannot feed you,
where the miracles of God cannot be done for you,
where the omnipresence of God cannot find you.



Author Unknown

baptism

i have been baptised as Audrey Esther Tsan today. :)

it's been a really long and windy road.. from knowing and believing, to straying and back again, it's been a looong 7 years 6 months and 4 days.

Lord, there's so much to thank You for.

i was born Audrey, but i chose to be baptised as Audrey Esther.

firstly because Audrey is such a huge part of my identity.

Esther because the name means star. i want to be a star in the dark night sky, bringing light and hope to all in the world.

Esther also because Queen Esther in the book of Esther encompasses a lot of the qualities i myself would love to have, such as wisdom, courage and compassion.

nearly 21 years ago, i was born Audrey Tsan.

today, i'm thankful for the chance to be born again as Audrey Esther Tsan.

thank you Lord, for all that you've done for me. for staying with me. for loving even me.

low self-esteem attack

i've got so many things on my hands, i've really no idea at all if i can make it.

i'm so afraid of not doing everything well or worse, screwing everything up.

i keep agreeing to do everything and i think i'm going to burn out again soon..

but, i really do enjoy what i've been tasked to do and stuff..

in a huge dilemma right now..





met up with HT just now. long meeting. more duties/responsibilities/tasks.

i really cannot justify to myself why i'm still doing all these. i can't understand why i'd let myself be sucked back into that horrible place again..

just what am i trying to prove, and who to, i cannot tell.





so many things weighing on me. and i still have to keep rested and sane enough for my job.





Lord, help me.

stressed.

even before it all started.

how am i going to make it?!

魔女回来了

:)

lots of inspiration from yesterday's bmc message.

and my new bff.

things might not be so bad after all.





but i'm still worried.

给：家杰

从哪里跌倒，就必须从哪了站起来。

这次做出这种决定，我心里何尝不畏惧，不害怕。

昔日的并肩携手与互相扶持不再，有的只剩孤军作战。

这个任务将挑战我的极限。以往的一切只能当参考，却无真正用意。

过去一年的伤痛，我想一次弥补。

就当它是我的救赎，让我重生的机会。

我不想后悔没有好好把握这次机会。

但我恐惧，我即将失去的会令我更后悔。

我害怕众人对我的目光。

我害怕自己成事不足，败事有余。

在众多焦率，恐慌和不安中，最令我畏惧的是孤独与寂寞。

曾经我与孤独为伍，把寂寞当朋友。

可是，我找到了家。跟你们在一起努力奋斗的日子最令我怀念。

因为有过并肩作战，所以往后会害怕孤独和寂寞。

既然会害怕，该怎么再次把它们当朋友，再次与它们为伍？

这一次，成败与否，都是我一个人的。而若我再次失败的话，我真的不知道我会怎样。倘若让我发现我真的是一无是处，我该怎么办？





家杰，
当我的嘴角再也扬不起笑容时，当我的眼神再充满敌意时，你还愿意当我的朋友吗？
当我的孤僻病再犯时，你还愿意守着我吗？
当我的完美主义发作时，你还愿意容忍我吗？





当我再次变成孤岛时，你会像其他人一样离开我吗？

internal battle

received a call last night which is causing me to fight a huge battle with myself now..

all the memories of old came rushing back. now, just what is it with this season and all these memories?!

but the point is, i've been asked to, and has made, a decision which i've no idea whether it's appropriate.

i feel the obligations, the responsibility. i don't want to regret not going back, yet i've come to love the smile on my face and the twinkle in my eye.

i'm going back. to where my smile will soon vanish and my eyes will no longer be friendly.

i'm going back. to where i gave my best, my all. but where hurt me most.

i'm going back. to not regret. yet live with other regrets.





i can feel my loneliness in the days to come. i can feel my isolation and helplessness. i can feel my friends leaving me once more, and being an angry little person all over again. knowing that i am indeed happier without it. but i made the decision to go back once more.

don't ask me why. i've no idea either. but i do feel obliged. and responsible.





probably, what i want more than any other thing is for a chance to redeem myself and make things right again.

perhaps, the place which taught me to pursue perfectionism is the very place to teach me not to pursue perfectionism.

possibly, the only place where i can find my lost self-esteem, self-dignity and self-confidence is the very place where i lost it all.

maybe, it's merely my foolish pride.





tell me friends, once again, that you will stand by me and support me. tell me that you will not leave me nor forsake me. tell me that when my tears start falling again, you will be there to help me dry them. tell me that i won't be alone. tell me that i'm not fighting a battle by myself.

when i've lost my smile, tell me that you're still my friend. when i've lost the twinkle in my eye, tell me that you would still hang out with me.

when i become a porcupine once more, call me and ask about me. when i'm moody, know that i'm angry at myself and not reject me. when i'm all dejected, cheer me up.





when i'm all alone, please do not leave me.

joshie

heys! :)

you're probably never going to see this but i want to say this anyway.

thanks for appearing, thanks for being such a great friend..

i've more than a few good/great friends, and i've called more than a few people bros. but you're like the older brother i never had.

we're so alike in many ways, and we have so many coincidences in our lives. it's freaky! and uncanny. and i can't understand why we've never met until now.

you're so different from all the other people i've known and are in my life. i've never known anyone whose thoughts and opinions are so in line with mine. i haven't been able to discuss things on such an intellectual level with anyone else

thank you for being the one i can open up to. thank you for allowing me to share my burdens.

thank you for allowing me to share your stories.

thank you for daring to pursue your dreams, so that me pursuing my dreams doesn't seem so unreasonable after all.

thank you for all that you've said and done.

thank you for coming into my life.

thank you for caring.





thanks for everything brother.