yay!!

i finally, Finally, FINALLY passed that stupid driving test!!

:)

it took a really long time cos i kept dragging my lessons and all.. but it was a 1st time pass!!

so i'm waiting for my photo-card license to finally arrive in the mail..

somebody lend me a car? i can drive both manual and auto cars..

:(

God!!

how on earth am i going to raise so much money?!

there isn't even any scholarships which i can apply for.

even the highest limit bank loans can't cover my school fees.

i'm sure i can work part-time to cover my living expenses. i'm sure we have the ability to cover start-up costs. but what about the most important thing - school fees?!

it's around A$60,000 p.a.

Han!! how??

God! please.





please please please please please





dear all who sees this, please either tell me how i can raise the money or help me raise the money. please please please please please.

trauma

handled my 1st trauma case today. it was, well, traumatic.

20 mins. 20 people. and he's gone. we couldn't save him.

another motorcyclist, another rainy day. this young chap collided into a lorry.

we tried our best. we gave him all the drugs. shocked him alot. CPRed. heart massage. everything. but he just couldn't be brought back.

at the moment we decided to give up, a silence and and gloom so thick you could choke on descended on the room. gone were the jokes and laughter just moments before.

and before you get the wrong idea, we were NOT playing, we were joking and laughing to help relieve stress and tension. we were doing our jobs perfectly well.

then we cleaned him up as best as we could then sent him to ICU to certify and where his family could see and touch him for the last time.





when i saw his name, i was so glad it was not a name i recognised.

dear friends, please do not ride.

updates

so, life hasn't been too happening lately.. except that i'm going to be fully ENT trained so i've been pushed really hard to do all sorts of ENT stuff..

and, i'm going to do my 1st night shift next weekend!! haha.. *anticipating*

and i FINALLY decided to do something about my not-so-good hearing and tinnitus.. so i've got an ENT appointment booked on tue, to see Julian Lee.. well, at least he's the only one who doesn't know me, so not so awkward i suppose.. hope everything turns out ok..

driving test's on 26/12/08. wish me luck! but i'm darn scared and sure that i'm going to fail.. :(

i'm going for Singapore Trauma 2009!! and DSTC!!

i'm going for Singapore Trauma 2009!! and DSTC!! wahaha!! happy!!

for more details on DSTC (definitive surgical trauma care course).
http://www.ttsh.com.sg/new/specialtiescentres/ttsh-nni-dstc.php

bugs! it's damn bloody expensive can?

BUT!

i'm going for it, ABSOLUTELY FREE!!

pays to be an OT SN in a hospital which is the "regional trauma training hub".

and i'm also going for Singapore Trauma 2009!!

*super duper ooper happy*

they're both in april 2009. DSTC's 2-3 april and Singapore Trauma is on 4th april.

but i'm already damn hyped!

haha!





*audrey ADORES trauma*
*she wants to be a trauma surgeon!*

bedside ICU handbook

i've got an absolutely cool book about managing critically ill patients in ICU.

it's got drugs, algorithms, flowcharts etc etc etc. very very good!

han, eat your heart out!!

sorry sir

当昨天的伤口还在隐隐作痛时，当被伤害的阴影还挥之不散时，我真的没有勇气面对明天。

很荣幸您会邀我同您站在起跑点一起开跑，但我真的不敢面对众人的目光。

我的心魔让我没能好好的投入这个计划。它令我无比地畏惧明天所能带来的伤痛。

你知道吗？那件事对我的自信心与自尊心的打击实在太大了。它让我今天的伤口不仅还未复原，甚至还发了炎。

理由再美，再伟大，依然没能说服我这是个值得的投资。

我知到付出不能要求回报。但我要的不是回报，只是不受伤而已！

这个要求真有那么过分，那么不可行吗？

我不愿意辜负任何人。而我实在没把握做得好。

感觉

我终于确定了我对他的喜欢，只是一种习惯。

看见他和她在一起时，我内心竟什么感觉都没有。

没有嫉妒。没有痛楚。

没有悲伤难过，同时也没有开心喜悦。

两位都曾是我的好朋友，而心里静静的祝福却始终没能说出口。





前几周约见了一位好朋友。当她发现我外公去世不到一个月时，她的反应竟是我为何不显得很难过。





我是一个没感觉的人吗？

那么疼爱我的人走了，我没显出悲伤。

就算喜欢他只是种习惯，心了怎么可能一点感觉也没有？

我，好无情啊。

我的世界里，只有我。好自私啊。





难怪我会一直被排挤。

难怪我会没人喜欢，更别提爱。





我最好开始准备孤独终老吧。

moving on..

so, i've finally come to a decision.

it sounds stupid and all, but it's really what i want to do.

1st, i'm going to do a part-time nursing degree at SIM awarded by USyd.

then, i'm going to do MBBS at USyd.

this is my plan.

in the meantime, it'll be years worth of hard saving, tears, sweat etc.

I NEED ALOT ALOT ALOT OF MONEY!!!

everybody please stand by me and help me!

if you know of anyway i can earn money and all, let me know!!





Lord,
this is my earnest prayer. help me Lord. Lord, i will need all the support i can get, financially or otherwise.

help me to have to discipline and perseverance to see this through. help me Lord, to not to have worry incessantly about money.

Lord, i need you at this time more than any other to make this happen.

Father, give me the strength and determination i need.

Father, i commit these into your hands, help me to achieve it.

All these i pray in Jesus' most precious name. Amen.

13/09/08

He lost the fight today.

bye gong-gong.

i'll see you again when we meet in heaven.

i've been utterly forgotten

well, life has, as usual, not been going well.. alot of unpleasant things happened these 2 weeks.. some my fault, some really not mine.. so many things i want to talk about, but i can't find anyone who would understand..

haven't been online for 2 weeks already, so was blog-hopping.. and i realise, no matter how hard i've tried, i've been utterly forgotten by everyone. even those whom i hold most dear. i always drive people away from me. and the only word i can use to describe me now is probably lonely.

where's everybody? when everyone's out having fun, do anyone ever remember me at all? when will people start to think that maybe even i need some concern too?

everything i've ever put in effort at, i suck. sj, where i invested most of my time and effort. moving on so well without me. having fun and everything, yet no one remembers me. it pains me to know the count the number of people who even remembers my birthday, much less bother to buy me a present.

i'm just so unimportant to everyone.

alex, my, cher, erene, farah, jj, ck, steph, zili.. all the people whom i used to see so much of, spend so much time with.. they've all forgotten me. it's just as if i've never existed..

my is enlisting on fri. and i don't even know until today. am i really still a friend?

i don't even have a cca or anything else to go to or put in effort for besides work. my life revolves around work and home. nothing else. no activities. no interest group. no cell. nothing.

then why do i want to continue to exist?

tired. very tired.

i like my work.

but i don't like the environment.

the anaesthetists like me.

the surgeons like me.

but other nurses don't like me.

they think that i'm not respecting them by sharing with other new staff what i know.

they think that i'm flirting with surgeons cos we were chatting/crapping away.

they think that i'm a know-it-all just cos i know a little more stuff than the people who came in together with me.

my boss thinks that i know my work and is good at it. but sharing what i know, which is correct, is not acceptable.

i really don't know what i want anymore.

should i just give up and ask for out?

should i hang on and keep trying?

i thought i became happier after rotating to another theatre where i got alot more opportunities to scrub.

but i now realise, it's just a facade. i'm not really doing better after all.





so what if i'm good at my work?

so what if the anaesthetists think i've got potential?

so what if the surgeons think i'm good?

3 weeks on..

and i still don't know what i'm doing.

*depressed*

i don't know..

i don't feel myself progressing. i don't feel myself learning. i don't feel myself improving.

and i've made that stupid Stupid STUPID mistake which i never should have!!

it's not as if i didn't know. i did. and now i just can't forgive myself for forgetting.

i'm upset and sad all the time. i'm not happy. i think i like my job. but i don't seem to be enjoying myself. the littlest things can trigger my tears and i REALLY DO NOT LIKE IT!!

everyone says that i'm just expecting too much of myself and that i should just relax. that i'm not as bad as i think i am and to give myself a break since i'm just 2 weeks old.

everyone tells me to try a while more and evaluate again. but when is this going to end?!

and for that one bloody mistake which i'm absolutely sorry for, when i already can't forgive myself, half the world is still hot on my case despite it having happened days ago!!

and every other person is asking me about my preference in OTS. and the higher-ups are perpetually telling me that i can ask for a transfer to DSC ward should i really not like scrub. but think about it, if i really am that aversive to being in OTS, i would have asked Sister Lay Hoon to take me out and put me back in the ward long before now!! the only reason why i haven't done so is because i want to give myself a chance to learn new things in OTS. so why on earth would i want to be transferred to DSC ward?!

argh!! how on earth am i going to make myself be understood by those people?!










[help. come save me. anybody.]

i'm in trouble

i've impressed an anaesthetist so much that i think she's going to try and get me to sicu.










HOPE SHE FAILS!!

today

today was a really turbulent day.. not that a lot of things happened.. it's just that my emotions went on a wild roller-coaster ride.. in my effort to conceal my unhappiness, i gave a shock to all those who actually witnessed me breaking down..

like sister Ho said, "you're the last person i expect to cry."

as the day draws to an end, i'm glad that it's become more tranquil..

thanks to all those who remembered..

hurt, VERY hurt.

i don't get it.

just why do you have to keep hurting me the way that you do?!

does it make you happy? does it make you gratified?

just what is wrong?!

just when i'm finally starting to walk out from the shadows of the pain that you've caused me, when my wounds are just beginning to heal, you've to re-open the wound. deeper than ever before.

why?

what have i done to make you want to wound me so?

in my capacity, i've done as best as i could. my methods may not always have been orthodox, but have you ever paused to wonder my intentions?

how can you judge me based on what little that you know. and what you know may not be completely accurate?

i'm tired. very tired.

and i'm more than hurt. i'm so hurt that i've become numbed.





and you really do enjoy wounding me at critical points in my LIFE, don't you?











this has got to be the most hurtful birthday present of my existence.

updates

1 month in OTS. and i'm quite determined to leave..

like stephen said, my character don't really suit OTS.. i like autonomy in my choice of actions and not having to ask for permission to do everything thing which includes transferring patient, by the way..

but again like he said, since i'm interested in pursuing med-surge, then being in OTS for a while will be good 'cause then i will be able to see the whole process patients go through and help me to better plan/execute my pre-/post-operative care..

so, i'm going to take his advice and stay in OTS for a year then transfer out..





on the other hand, thanks yihan..
i know i quite nearly drove you mad the other night with all my grouses about OTS and stuff.. but thanks so much for listening and being my verbal punching bag.. and staying up late to be it!

seems quite funny really.. we rarely even talk when he was still in singapore.. but now that he's in adelaide, we talk on msn almost everyday!! lol..

jia you worz!!

and according to this future doctor/surgeon, my problems will be solved by me getting a boyfriend!! hmfx. yea right!!

but in the meantime, i have my pbf- jj!! lol!





yea, so Sister Ho asked us to stay back and talk to her about our posting.. 'cause most of us didn't choose to be in OTS.. we were posted here 'cause they're expanding and needed alot of new staff..
so we were sharing and she was saying something like i could have gone to DSC where it's still a ward even though the patients only stay a while and it's not as challenging as in the real ward.

i tell you, if she really does transfer me to DSC, i'd either quit ttsh or go commit suicide or something!! hello, DSC leh!! o my goodness, she must be quite mad..





o, and han was saying that i should go and take my nursing bachelor's locally then apply for the usydmp which take only 4 years for me to get mbbs. then i was telling him NO MONEY!! so he was like, just apply and get in first then think about the money later.. hmmz.. should i?





o well.. yea!! gonna meet up with some of my friends for movie tomorrow!! happy!!

and my heartless gang. say what will definitely try and meet up but till now.. hmfx.






and a short something about sj.. well, things are really out of hand now.. and i'm actually quite guilty about missing all the zone stuff which i have a responsibility towards.. thank God i really am working so i can 'legally' miss those events.. but the guilt still pervades..





i missed something about OTS.. you know the ICU survival course? where they have a 4-pages long reading list? guess what? OTS received our reading list today and it's 9 bloody pages long!! along with learning EVERYTHING from scratch, i think i'm just gonna drop dead on the streets soon..





argh!! i'm totally randomized.. too sleepy/tired i guess.. gonna go sleep now.. still got work tomorrow!

i'm gonna go rob a bank.

i want money. ALOT of money.

at least SGD$500,000 to be specific.

Lord, please.

Lord, i've never wanted anything this much in my life.
Father, please grant me my wish.
Father, tell me what i must do.
Father, this is all i've ever wanted to do. and i've only just realised so.
Father, i pray for this with all of me, continually.

2 weeks on

2 weeks on and i'm really worried for my future..

i mean, not that OTS is bad or what, it's just that the skill set is just so different from all other areas! if i decide to leave OTS, i'm not sure if i'll be able to make it.. come to think of it, i don't even know if i will be able to stay on..

and we have to share lockers. the lockers are already so small but we still need to share. i don't seem to have any space to put my stuff!

was sorting instruments yesterday and i'm really afraid that i won't be able to do it. there's just too much that i don't know and have to learn. it's kinda hard to cope. i mean, in a normal ward, at least i'm already familiar with most of the basic skills and routine. there isn't so much to worry about.

but in OTS, i know nuts. not people, not work flow, not skills, not environment, not nothing!! o God. what am i gonna do?!

真是的！

问过一个自称喜欢我的人到底喜欢我哪里，他什么都不肯说。

昨天问了一个自称敬佩我，在我身上学到很多东西的人到底敬佩我哪里，学到了什么东西。这个家伙不仅什么都不说，还要我慢慢发掘？！

天啊，如果我知道的话，就不需要问了！更不会有今天的落魄。

reflections of a 2 days old RN

shh.. don't tell anyone.. but i'm an imposter! i'm actually still a student..

OMG! OMG! OMG!

i've been posted to.. OT.

o God, this is SooO unexpected.

i'm still in shock.

OMG!!

omg!

i'm starting work tomorrow.

and i'm so NOT prepared!!





i don't want to start work.
i'm not ready.
mentally and emotionally, i'm spent.
i've been dealt too heavy a blow and i haven't recovered from it.
and i can't seem to garner the energy to do anything.





and as for actually starting work..
well, i'm also not prepared on that front.
i'm very scared. and paranoid.
i'm afraid that i can't fit in.
i'm afraid that i can't cope.
i'm afraid that i'll commit some error and (in)directly cause someone to die/suffer at my hands.
i'm so afraid that i don't want to go to work tomorrow.
i'm so paranoid that i want to quit nursing now.





i don't know.
i mean, i'm such a failure. how can i be trusted with the life and well-being of others?!

感言

挣扎了这么久，为的是这种结局吗？

我此生真的除了天定没人要，同样也注定是个失败吗？

我承认我错了。

或许，一开始就是错。

现在，我还想让错误继续下去吗？

大概，从我的出生就是错。

思绪零乱。不知所措。

累了。想休息。

但也不叫休息吧，既然我从来都没有贡献过。

那就让我这只虫长眠吧。

camp + random

comp day

long time

it's been a long time.. in which alot of things happened..

i finally passed PRCP. and got a job. just waiting to start work on 7 april.

been REAL BUSY with st john in the meantime..

so yea.. alot of ups and downs.. been whacked quite badly.. but also been shocked and stunned by many..

THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU WHO HELPED!! you know who you are. you're the ones whom i smsed or called..

won't post about the competition itself cos some is just too private while others are being repeated too many times already..

blogger got prob so can't post pics. next time then.

*shit*

all my dear friends, i'm just waddling through chest-high shit now.. if you still love me, call me yea?

o ya, i got whacked by my confused patient when we were trying to restrain him today.. -_-"

and i've got LOTS of random injuries!!

dr tseng thinks i'm jinxed.

dr ang sau shiun thinks i'm 'siao'.

dr su sheng yong thinks i should go learn cannulation.

dr kuan ling yee likes to ask me to do random things.

dr derek leong takes FOREVER to come up and settle my stuff.

but at least drs ng zhi xu and winnie ng are NICE.

and i miss my old HOs.. like timothy teo, wu ying jie, huang wen jie, kelvin tan, koh wei thye, angela tan etc..

o well, all my dear drs, I LOVE YOU!!

same goes for all the absolutely WONDERFUL RNs!! karen, navin, chloe, meme, yanling, arsenia...





i think, i should quit nursing.
and i think i'm gonna fail PRCP.