从哪里跌倒，就必须从哪了站起来。
这次做出这种决定，我心里何尝不畏惧，不害怕。
昔日的并肩携手与互相扶持不再，有的只剩孤军作战。
这个任务将挑战我的极限。以往的一切只能当参考，却无真正用意。
过去一年的伤痛，我想一次弥补。
就当它是我的救赎，让我重生的机会。
我不想后悔没有好好把握这次机会。
但我恐惧，我即将失去的会令我更后悔。
我害怕众人对我的目光。
我害怕自己成事不足，败事有余。
在众多焦率，恐慌和不安中，最令我畏惧的是孤独与寂寞。
曾经我与孤独为伍，把寂寞当朋友。
可是，我找到了家。跟你们在一起努力奋斗的日子最令我怀念。
因为有过并肩作战，所以往后会害怕孤独和寂寞。
既然会害怕，该怎么再次把它们当朋友，再次与它们为伍？
这一次，成败与否，都是我一个人的。而若我再次失败的话，我真的不知道我会怎样。倘若让我发现我真的是一无是处，我该怎么办？
家杰，
当我的嘴角再也扬不起笑容时，当我的眼神再充满敌意时，你还愿意当我的朋友吗？
当我的孤僻病再犯时，你还愿意守着我吗？
当我的完美主义发作时，你还愿意容忍我吗？
当我再次变成孤岛时，你会像其他人一样离开我吗？
Thursday, March 05, 2009
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
internal battle
received a call last night which is causing me to fight a huge battle with myself now..
all the memories of old came rushing back. now, just what is it with this season and all these memories?!
but the point is, i've been asked to, and has made, a decision which i've no idea whether it's appropriate.
i feel the obligations, the responsibility. i don't want to regret not going back, yet i've come to love the smile on my face and the twinkle in my eye.
i'm going back. to where my smile will soon vanish and my eyes will no longer be friendly.
i'm going back. to where i gave my best, my all. but where hurt me most.
i'm going back. to not regret. yet live with other regrets.
i can feel my loneliness in the days to come. i can feel my isolation and helplessness. i can feel my friends leaving me once more, and being an angry little person all over again. knowing that i am indeed happier without it. but i made the decision to go back once more.
don't ask me why. i've no idea either. but i do feel obliged. and responsible.
probably, what i want more than any other thing is for a chance to redeem myself and make things right again.
perhaps, the place which taught me to pursue perfectionism is the very place to teach me not to pursue perfectionism.
possibly, the only place where i can find my lost self-esteem, self-dignity and self-confidence is the very place where i lost it all.
maybe, it's merely my foolish pride.
tell me friends, once again, that you will stand by me and support me. tell me that you will not leave me nor forsake me. tell me that when my tears start falling again, you will be there to help me dry them. tell me that i won't be alone. tell me that i'm not fighting a battle by myself.
when i've lost my smile, tell me that you're still my friend. when i've lost the twinkle in my eye, tell me that you would still hang out with me.
when i become a porcupine once more, call me and ask about me. when i'm moody, know that i'm angry at myself and not reject me. when i'm all dejected, cheer me up.
when i'm all alone, please do not leave me.
all the memories of old came rushing back. now, just what is it with this season and all these memories?!
but the point is, i've been asked to, and has made, a decision which i've no idea whether it's appropriate.
i feel the obligations, the responsibility. i don't want to regret not going back, yet i've come to love the smile on my face and the twinkle in my eye.
i'm going back. to where my smile will soon vanish and my eyes will no longer be friendly.
i'm going back. to where i gave my best, my all. but where hurt me most.
i'm going back. to not regret. yet live with other regrets.
i can feel my loneliness in the days to come. i can feel my isolation and helplessness. i can feel my friends leaving me once more, and being an angry little person all over again. knowing that i am indeed happier without it. but i made the decision to go back once more.
don't ask me why. i've no idea either. but i do feel obliged. and responsible.
probably, what i want more than any other thing is for a chance to redeem myself and make things right again.
perhaps, the place which taught me to pursue perfectionism is the very place to teach me not to pursue perfectionism.
possibly, the only place where i can find my lost self-esteem, self-dignity and self-confidence is the very place where i lost it all.
maybe, it's merely my foolish pride.
tell me friends, once again, that you will stand by me and support me. tell me that you will not leave me nor forsake me. tell me that when my tears start falling again, you will be there to help me dry them. tell me that i won't be alone. tell me that i'm not fighting a battle by myself.
when i've lost my smile, tell me that you're still my friend. when i've lost the twinkle in my eye, tell me that you would still hang out with me.
when i become a porcupine once more, call me and ask about me. when i'm moody, know that i'm angry at myself and not reject me. when i'm all dejected, cheer me up.
when i'm all alone, please do not leave me.
Monday, March 02, 2009
joshie
heys! :)
you're probably never going to see this but i want to say this anyway.
thanks for appearing, thanks for being such a great friend..
i've more than a few good/great friends, and i've called more than a few people bros. but you're like the older brother i never had.
we're so alike in many ways, and we have so many coincidences in our lives. it's freaky! and uncanny. and i can't understand why we've never met until now.
you're so different from all the other people i've known and are in my life. i've never known anyone whose thoughts and opinions are so in line with mine. i haven't been able to discuss things on such an intellectual level with anyone else
thank you for being the one i can open up to. thank you for allowing me to share my burdens.
thank you for allowing me to share your stories.
thank you for daring to pursue your dreams, so that me pursuing my dreams doesn't seem so unreasonable after all.
thank you for all that you've said and done.
thank you for coming into my life.
thank you for caring.
thanks for everything brother.
you're probably never going to see this but i want to say this anyway.
thanks for appearing, thanks for being such a great friend..
i've more than a few good/great friends, and i've called more than a few people bros. but you're like the older brother i never had.
we're so alike in many ways, and we have so many coincidences in our lives. it's freaky! and uncanny. and i can't understand why we've never met until now.
you're so different from all the other people i've known and are in my life. i've never known anyone whose thoughts and opinions are so in line with mine. i haven't been able to discuss things on such an intellectual level with anyone else
thank you for being the one i can open up to. thank you for allowing me to share my burdens.
thank you for allowing me to share your stories.
thank you for daring to pursue your dreams, so that me pursuing my dreams doesn't seem so unreasonable after all.
thank you for all that you've said and done.
thank you for coming into my life.
thank you for caring.
thanks for everything brother.
Monday, February 23, 2009
that scary black pit again
WARNING: EMO POST AHEAD.
2 days' rest after working 10 days. not very restful since i've been running everywhere.. had alot of fun and sharing with the bmc people. but i repeat, if i'm not volunteering, DO NOT ASK YOU IDIOT.
despite all the fun and laughter, the darkness is never far below the surface. it's waiting to catch me and devour me. i fill my hours with activities to try and escape from it's clutches. but i can sense it's presence all the time.
i feel so down and lethargic.
went to work today, completely not in the mood, acting all strange and funny.
reached home to collapse in bed.
i'm so tired.
filling my week with even more activities. knowing that it would only make me more exhausted.
when will this end?
i remember a similar time last year.
it was so scary. i was all alone, and i didn't dare tell anyone. i maintained a facade. but it was so hard. it took alot of effort for me to start putting that time behind me..
but somehow, with all the sharing going on these weeks, old wounds have been re-opened. and i realise, they've never healed in the first place. the hurt is ever strong. and it's still bleeding. i'm ready to go back into my shell, to protect myself, at the slightest hint of hurt. i no longer trust.
with all my wounds bleeding again, i'm really not in the mood to do anything.
i start missing people whom i thought i've stopped missing.
i start wanting to do things which i've stopped doing.
i miss the comradeship of old. i miss the closeness we used to share.
and i realise that what i thought i no longer cared about is still so important to me.
my thoughts, worries and insecurities keep swirling in my head. i can't concentrate on anything when concentration is what i need most.
and work hasn't been smooth, making things so much worse.
i'm falling back into that deep dark pit of despair and i've no idea how to get myself out.
i need a break. but i can't take leave.
there's things i want to do. but can't.
there's dreams i want to achieve. but it seems too far away, and unattainable.
i want to be alone. yet i'm too afraid to be alone.
i want someone to sing me to sleep again. but i fear the intimacy.
2 days' rest after working 10 days. not very restful since i've been running everywhere.. had alot of fun and sharing with the bmc people. but i repeat, if i'm not volunteering, DO NOT ASK YOU IDIOT.
despite all the fun and laughter, the darkness is never far below the surface. it's waiting to catch me and devour me. i fill my hours with activities to try and escape from it's clutches. but i can sense it's presence all the time.
i feel so down and lethargic.
went to work today, completely not in the mood, acting all strange and funny.
reached home to collapse in bed.
i'm so tired.
filling my week with even more activities. knowing that it would only make me more exhausted.
when will this end?
i remember a similar time last year.
it was so scary. i was all alone, and i didn't dare tell anyone. i maintained a facade. but it was so hard. it took alot of effort for me to start putting that time behind me..
but somehow, with all the sharing going on these weeks, old wounds have been re-opened. and i realise, they've never healed in the first place. the hurt is ever strong. and it's still bleeding. i'm ready to go back into my shell, to protect myself, at the slightest hint of hurt. i no longer trust.
with all my wounds bleeding again, i'm really not in the mood to do anything.
i start missing people whom i thought i've stopped missing.
i start wanting to do things which i've stopped doing.
i miss the comradeship of old. i miss the closeness we used to share.
and i realise that what i thought i no longer cared about is still so important to me.
my thoughts, worries and insecurities keep swirling in my head. i can't concentrate on anything when concentration is what i need most.
and work hasn't been smooth, making things so much worse.
i'm falling back into that deep dark pit of despair and i've no idea how to get myself out.
i need a break. but i can't take leave.
there's things i want to do. but can't.
there's dreams i want to achieve. but it seems too far away, and unattainable.
i want to be alone. yet i'm too afraid to be alone.
i want someone to sing me to sleep again. but i fear the intimacy.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
*hurt*
so, i was ranting to some people just now.
people always think that i'm fierce, or scolding someone, or am mad at someone when i'm not.. but that's another story..
so as i was saying yesterday, i've been feeling really low and stuff..
and more things happened today..
and people tell me that it's because i'm a perfectionist, that i should just let things go, that i shouldn't let what others' say get to me.
but i don't think so. i've no idea how to explain this properly. but bottom line, i'm not angry or pissed off or upset.
i'm hurt.
hurt that having known me for a while, people still don't know me. that they can still think that badly of me. that in spite of all my efforts and all, people still don't trust me.
a while back, a slightly older senior who actually isn't all that great at her work told me that she "don't trust (me)" to do the simplest things that baby staff does. that hurt - alot.
i've been so emotional lately, i don't know what's wrong with me.
i tear at the slightest thing, get pissed off at the most innocent remark/comment and get irritated/frustrated super easily.
i'm so not myself. and i don't like it.
and i really DO NOT like probing people. like hello, if i'm not volunteering anything, DON'T ASK!!
every time i open my heart, i get hurt. so badly.
i haven't been sleeping well for a couple of weeks now and it's really not helping my emotional state. i'm such a wreck these days.. i lie awake at night.physically exhausted but my mind refuses to find rest. when i do finally fall asleep, i need to get up again in 2-3 hours to start the day anew. doing long hours at ENT this week isn't helping either.
tuesday and friday renews my sense of worthlessness and uselessness. the other days fill me with apprehension and fear.
i know my stuff. yet i don't know anything at all.
to think i was once so happy to be ENT-trained.
it's just around this time last year. maybe another month or so. the hurt, the trauma, the heartache. i've no idea how i made it through the time when my world came falling down. i still feel the pain as if it was just yesterday. tears still fall when i think about it. more than indignant, angry etc, the keyword here is again, hurt.
i'm too scared to trust anymore.
i'm too wounded to open my heart anymore.
people tell me to pray. to let go. to move on and get over it.
i try. but i can't do this on my own.
yet i can't trust anyone to not break my heart again.
i want someone by my side.
yet,
i just want to be alone.
people always think that i'm fierce, or scolding someone, or am mad at someone when i'm not.. but that's another story..
so as i was saying yesterday, i've been feeling really low and stuff..
and more things happened today..
and people tell me that it's because i'm a perfectionist, that i should just let things go, that i shouldn't let what others' say get to me.
but i don't think so. i've no idea how to explain this properly. but bottom line, i'm not angry or pissed off or upset.
i'm hurt.
hurt that having known me for a while, people still don't know me. that they can still think that badly of me. that in spite of all my efforts and all, people still don't trust me.
a while back, a slightly older senior who actually isn't all that great at her work told me that she "don't trust (me)" to do the simplest things that baby staff does. that hurt - alot.
i've been so emotional lately, i don't know what's wrong with me.
i tear at the slightest thing, get pissed off at the most innocent remark/comment and get irritated/frustrated super easily.
i'm so not myself. and i don't like it.
and i really DO NOT like probing people. like hello, if i'm not volunteering anything, DON'T ASK!!
every time i open my heart, i get hurt. so badly.
i haven't been sleeping well for a couple of weeks now and it's really not helping my emotional state. i'm such a wreck these days.. i lie awake at night.physically exhausted but my mind refuses to find rest. when i do finally fall asleep, i need to get up again in 2-3 hours to start the day anew. doing long hours at ENT this week isn't helping either.
tuesday and friday renews my sense of worthlessness and uselessness. the other days fill me with apprehension and fear.
i know my stuff. yet i don't know anything at all.
to think i was once so happy to be ENT-trained.
it's just around this time last year. maybe another month or so. the hurt, the trauma, the heartache. i've no idea how i made it through the time when my world came falling down. i still feel the pain as if it was just yesterday. tears still fall when i think about it. more than indignant, angry etc, the keyword here is again, hurt.
i'm too scared to trust anymore.
i'm too wounded to open my heart anymore.
people tell me to pray. to let go. to move on and get over it.
i try. but i can't do this on my own.
yet i can't trust anyone to not break my heart again.
i want someone by my side.
yet,
i just want to be alone.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
*gaah*
been feeling really low. and worthless. and unhappy.
the feeling's really pulling me down and dragging me under..
i want some peace.
i want someone to stay with me.
yet,
i want to be alone.
i want a drink. a REALLY strong one.
the feeling's really pulling me down and dragging me under..
i want some peace.
i want someone to stay with me.
yet,
i want to be alone.
i want a drink. a REALLY strong one.
Friday, February 13, 2009
don't get it..
some stuff happened at work. and i really don't get the uproar. *hmfx*
on a happier note, jean and i went for a valentines' dinner date!! :)
haha.. i'm so glad to have her.. to think we used to really not like each other back in school.. but now, we're like best friends la.. haha.. His ways are indeed mysterious..
feel kind of down these days.. not quite sure why too.. haizz..
work was crappy, yes. i just completed night shift and after a week, i still can't adjust back..
and i've been running non-stop ortho since my night!! i might as well go be ortho girl already.. indeed, those ortho guys see me so much that they think i'm some new ortho recruit.. *sigh*
i'm at ENT next week.. long hours.. with mother goose. God. or people who read this, pray for me.
it'll be 10 whole days before my next off day.. 10 busy Busy BUSY days.. really tired..
but enough about work. BMC has been going GREAT!! :)
made lots of new friends.. 2 of them even live in the next block.. been having lots of fun and learning.. we're going to start our own cell! :) i love them lots :))
tired. going sleep stat.
on a happier note, jean and i went for a valentines' dinner date!! :)
haha.. i'm so glad to have her.. to think we used to really not like each other back in school.. but now, we're like best friends la.. haha.. His ways are indeed mysterious..
feel kind of down these days.. not quite sure why too.. haizz..
work was crappy, yes. i just completed night shift and after a week, i still can't adjust back..
and i've been running non-stop ortho since my night!! i might as well go be ortho girl already.. indeed, those ortho guys see me so much that they think i'm some new ortho recruit.. *sigh*
i'm at ENT next week.. long hours.. with mother goose. God. or people who read this, pray for me.
it'll be 10 whole days before my next off day.. 10 busy Busy BUSY days.. really tired..
but enough about work. BMC has been going GREAT!! :)
made lots of new friends.. 2 of them even live in the next block.. been having lots of fun and learning.. we're going to start our own cell! :) i love them lots :))
tired. going sleep stat.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
happy new year :)
it's the new year already..
CNY day 1 is as usual, WAR! *roar*
pissed the hell outta me. *ROAR*
o well, don't want to talk about it..
this year.. i don't know.. i've got plans which i really want to achieve. so Lord, i'm praying..
baptism and membership classes has already started.. my groups' quite nice.. hope we'll eventually form our own cell..
then my plans.. or rather, my resolutions.. hmmz.
Start my part-time degree next year february.
then from now till then, work hard, save more money.
as usual, whoever knows a way to earn more money, let me know so i can complete my dreams :)
seriously thinking about investing. so gor, let me know ya?
and i really want to meet up with my friends more often! alex, my, jj, zhimin, yeowch n cher etc!! call me! i'm not that busy one can?
and as for sj.. i don't know la.. take it a step at a time.
did i mention? i've already gotten my driving license!! like, the physical photocard driving license.. :)
o ya, of utmost importance. i want get a BOYFRIEND!! like, a proper-we're-dating kinda boyfriend. not the he's-a-boy-and-we're-friends kinda boy-friend!!
happy new year everyone :)
CNY day 1 is as usual, WAR! *roar*
pissed the hell outta me. *ROAR*
o well, don't want to talk about it..
this year.. i don't know.. i've got plans which i really want to achieve. so Lord, i'm praying..
baptism and membership classes has already started.. my groups' quite nice.. hope we'll eventually form our own cell..
then my plans.. or rather, my resolutions.. hmmz.
Start my part-time degree next year february.
then from now till then, work hard, save more money.
as usual, whoever knows a way to earn more money, let me know so i can complete my dreams :)
seriously thinking about investing. so gor, let me know ya?
and i really want to meet up with my friends more often! alex, my, jj, zhimin, yeowch n cher etc!! call me! i'm not that busy one can?
and as for sj.. i don't know la.. take it a step at a time.
did i mention? i've already gotten my driving license!! like, the physical photocard driving license.. :)
o ya, of utmost importance. i want get a BOYFRIEND!! like, a proper-we're-dating kinda boyfriend. not the he's-a-boy-and-we're-friends kinda boy-friend!!
happy new year everyone :)
Friday, December 26, 2008
yay!!
i finally, Finally, FINALLY passed that stupid driving test!!
:)
it took a really long time cos i kept dragging my lessons and all.. but it was a 1st time pass!!
so i'm waiting for my photo-card license to finally arrive in the mail..
somebody lend me a car? i can drive both manual and auto cars..
:)
it took a really long time cos i kept dragging my lessons and all.. but it was a 1st time pass!!
so i'm waiting for my photo-card license to finally arrive in the mail..
somebody lend me a car? i can drive both manual and auto cars..
Thursday, December 18, 2008
:(
God!!
how on earth am i going to raise so much money?!
there isn't even any scholarships which i can apply for.
even the highest limit bank loans can't cover my school fees.
i'm sure i can work part-time to cover my living expenses. i'm sure we have the ability to cover start-up costs. but what about the most important thing - school fees?!
it's around A$60,000 p.a.
Han!! how??
God! please.
please please please please please
dear all who sees this, please either tell me how i can raise the money or help me raise the money. please please please please please.
how on earth am i going to raise so much money?!
there isn't even any scholarships which i can apply for.
even the highest limit bank loans can't cover my school fees.
i'm sure i can work part-time to cover my living expenses. i'm sure we have the ability to cover start-up costs. but what about the most important thing - school fees?!
it's around A$60,000 p.a.
Han!! how??
God! please.
please please please please please
dear all who sees this, please either tell me how i can raise the money or help me raise the money. please please please please please.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
trauma
handled my 1st trauma case today. it was, well, traumatic.
20 mins. 20 people. and he's gone. we couldn't save him.
another motorcyclist, another rainy day. this young chap collided into a lorry.
we tried our best. we gave him all the drugs. shocked him alot. CPRed. heart massage. everything. but he just couldn't be brought back.
at the moment we decided to give up, a silence and and gloom so thick you could choke on descended on the room. gone were the jokes and laughter just moments before.
and before you get the wrong idea, we were NOT playing, we were joking and laughing to help relieve stress and tension. we were doing our jobs perfectly well.
then we cleaned him up as best as we could then sent him to ICU to certify and where his family could see and touch him for the last time.
when i saw his name, i was so glad it was not a name i recognised.
dear friends, please do not ride.
20 mins. 20 people. and he's gone. we couldn't save him.
another motorcyclist, another rainy day. this young chap collided into a lorry.
we tried our best. we gave him all the drugs. shocked him alot. CPRed. heart massage. everything. but he just couldn't be brought back.
at the moment we decided to give up, a silence and and gloom so thick you could choke on descended on the room. gone were the jokes and laughter just moments before.
and before you get the wrong idea, we were NOT playing, we were joking and laughing to help relieve stress and tension. we were doing our jobs perfectly well.
then we cleaned him up as best as we could then sent him to ICU to certify and where his family could see and touch him for the last time.
when i saw his name, i was so glad it was not a name i recognised.
dear friends, please do not ride.
Friday, November 28, 2008
updates
so, life hasn't been too happening lately.. except that i'm going to be fully ENT trained so i've been pushed really hard to do all sorts of ENT stuff..
and, i'm going to do my 1st night shift next weekend!! haha.. *anticipating*
and i FINALLY decided to do something about my not-so-good hearing and tinnitus.. so i've got an ENT appointment booked on tue, to see Julian Lee.. well, at least he's the only one who doesn't know me, so not so awkward i suppose.. hope everything turns out ok..
driving test's on 26/12/08. wish me luck! but i'm darn scared and sure that i'm going to fail.. :(
and, i'm going to do my 1st night shift next weekend!! haha.. *anticipating*
and i FINALLY decided to do something about my not-so-good hearing and tinnitus.. so i've got an ENT appointment booked on tue, to see Julian Lee.. well, at least he's the only one who doesn't know me, so not so awkward i suppose.. hope everything turns out ok..
driving test's on 26/12/08. wish me luck! but i'm darn scared and sure that i'm going to fail.. :(
Friday, November 14, 2008
i'm going for Singapore Trauma 2009!! and DSTC!!
i'm going for Singapore Trauma 2009!! and DSTC!! wahaha!! happy!!
for more details on DSTC (definitive surgical trauma care course).
http://www.ttsh.com.sg/new/specialtiescentres/ttsh-nni-dstc.php
bugs! it's damn bloody expensive can?
BUT!
i'm going for it, ABSOLUTELY FREE!!
pays to be an OT SN in a hospital which is the "regional trauma training hub".
and i'm also going for Singapore Trauma 2009!!
*super duper ooper happy*
they're both in april 2009. DSTC's 2-3 april and Singapore Trauma is on 4th april.
but i'm already damn hyped!
haha!
*audrey ADORES trauma*
*she wants to be a trauma surgeon!*
for more details on DSTC (definitive surgical trauma care course).
http://www.ttsh.com.sg/new/specialtiescentres/ttsh-nni-dstc.php
bugs! it's damn bloody expensive can?
BUT!
i'm going for it, ABSOLUTELY FREE!!
pays to be an OT SN in a hospital which is the "regional trauma training hub".
and i'm also going for Singapore Trauma 2009!!
*super duper ooper happy*
they're both in april 2009. DSTC's 2-3 april and Singapore Trauma is on 4th april.
but i'm already damn hyped!
haha!
*audrey ADORES trauma*
*she wants to be a trauma surgeon!*
bedside ICU handbook
i've got an absolutely cool book about managing critically ill patients in ICU.
it's got drugs, algorithms, flowcharts etc etc etc. very very good!
han, eat your heart out!!
it's got drugs, algorithms, flowcharts etc etc etc. very very good!
han, eat your heart out!!
Sunday, November 09, 2008
sorry sir
当昨天的伤口还在隐隐作痛时，当被伤害的阴影还挥之不散时，我真的没有勇气面对明天。
很荣幸您会邀我同您站在起跑点一起开跑，但我真的不敢面对众人的目光。
我的心魔让我没能好好的投入这个计划。它令我无比地畏惧明天所能带来的伤痛。
你知道吗？那件事对我的自信心与自尊心的打击实在太大了。它让我今天的伤口不仅还未复原，甚至还发了炎。
理由再美，再伟大，依然没能说服我这是个值得的投资。
我知到付出不能要求回报。但我要的不是回报，只是不受伤而已！
这个要求真有那么过分，那么不可行吗？
我不愿意辜负任何人。而我实在没把握做得好。
很荣幸您会邀我同您站在起跑点一起开跑，但我真的不敢面对众人的目光。
我的心魔让我没能好好的投入这个计划。它令我无比地畏惧明天所能带来的伤痛。
你知道吗？那件事对我的自信心与自尊心的打击实在太大了。它让我今天的伤口不仅还未复原，甚至还发了炎。
理由再美，再伟大，依然没能说服我这是个值得的投资。
我知到付出不能要求回报。但我要的不是回报，只是不受伤而已！
这个要求真有那么过分，那么不可行吗？
我不愿意辜负任何人。而我实在没把握做得好。
Sunday, November 02, 2008
感觉
我终于确定了我对他的喜欢，只是一种习惯。
看见他和她在一起时，我内心竟什么感觉都没有。
没有嫉妒。没有痛楚。
没有悲伤难过，同时也没有开心喜悦。
两位都曾是我的好朋友，而心里静静的祝福却始终没能说出口。
前几周约见了一位好朋友。当她发现我外公去世不到一个月时，她的反应竟是我为何不显得很难过。
我是一个没感觉的人吗？
那么疼爱我的人走了，我没显出悲伤。
就算喜欢他只是种习惯，心了怎么可能一点感觉也没有？
我，好无情啊。
我的世界里，只有我。好自私啊。
难怪我会一直被排挤。
难怪我会没人喜欢，更别提爱。
我最好开始准备孤独终老吧。
看见他和她在一起时，我内心竟什么感觉都没有。
没有嫉妒。没有痛楚。
没有悲伤难过，同时也没有开心喜悦。
两位都曾是我的好朋友，而心里静静的祝福却始终没能说出口。
前几周约见了一位好朋友。当她发现我外公去世不到一个月时，她的反应竟是我为何不显得很难过。
我是一个没感觉的人吗？
那么疼爱我的人走了，我没显出悲伤。
就算喜欢他只是种习惯，心了怎么可能一点感觉也没有？
我，好无情啊。
我的世界里，只有我。好自私啊。
难怪我会一直被排挤。
难怪我会没人喜欢，更别提爱。
我最好开始准备孤独终老吧。
Sunday, October 26, 2008
moving on..
so, i've finally come to a decision.
it sounds stupid and all, but it's really what i want to do.
1st, i'm going to do a part-time nursing degree at SIM awarded by USyd.
then, i'm going to do MBBS at USyd.
this is my plan.
in the meantime, it'll be years worth of hard saving, tears, sweat etc.
I NEED ALOT ALOT ALOT OF MONEY!!!
everybody please stand by me and help me!
if you know of anyway i can earn money and all, let me know!!
Lord,
this is my earnest prayer. help me Lord. Lord, i will need all the support i can get, financially or otherwise.
help me to have to discipline and perseverance to see this through. help me Lord, to not to have worry incessantly about money.
Lord, i need you at this time more than any other to make this happen.
Father, give me the strength and determination i need.
Father, i commit these into your hands, help me to achieve it.
All these i pray in Jesus' most precious name. Amen.
it sounds stupid and all, but it's really what i want to do.
1st, i'm going to do a part-time nursing degree at SIM awarded by USyd.
then, i'm going to do MBBS at USyd.
this is my plan.
in the meantime, it'll be years worth of hard saving, tears, sweat etc.
I NEED ALOT ALOT ALOT OF MONEY!!!
everybody please stand by me and help me!
if you know of anyway i can earn money and all, let me know!!
Lord,
this is my earnest prayer. help me Lord. Lord, i will need all the support i can get, financially or otherwise.
help me to have to discipline and perseverance to see this through. help me Lord, to not to have worry incessantly about money.
Lord, i need you at this time more than any other to make this happen.
Father, give me the strength and determination i need.
Father, i commit these into your hands, help me to achieve it.
All these i pray in Jesus' most precious name. Amen.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
i've been utterly forgotten
well, life has, as usual, not been going well.. alot of unpleasant things happened these 2 weeks.. some my fault, some really not mine.. so many things i want to talk about, but i can't find anyone who would understand..
haven't been online for 2 weeks already, so was blog-hopping.. and i realise, no matter how hard i've tried, i've been utterly forgotten by everyone. even those whom i hold most dear. i always drive people away from me. and the only word i can use to describe me now is probably lonely.
where's everybody? when everyone's out having fun, do anyone ever remember me at all? when will people start to think that maybe even i need some concern too?
everything i've ever put in effort at, i suck. sj, where i invested most of my time and effort. moving on so well without me. having fun and everything, yet no one remembers me. it pains me to know the count the number of people who even remembers my birthday, much less bother to buy me a present.
i'm just so unimportant to everyone.
alex, my, cher, erene, farah, jj, ck, steph, zili.. all the people whom i used to see so much of, spend so much time with.. they've all forgotten me. it's just as if i've never existed..
my is enlisting on fri. and i don't even know until today. am i really still a friend?
i don't even have a cca or anything else to go to or put in effort for besides work. my life revolves around work and home. nothing else. no activities. no interest group. no cell. nothing.
then why do i want to continue to exist?
haven't been online for 2 weeks already, so was blog-hopping.. and i realise, no matter how hard i've tried, i've been utterly forgotten by everyone. even those whom i hold most dear. i always drive people away from me. and the only word i can use to describe me now is probably lonely.
where's everybody? when everyone's out having fun, do anyone ever remember me at all? when will people start to think that maybe even i need some concern too?
everything i've ever put in effort at, i suck. sj, where i invested most of my time and effort. moving on so well without me. having fun and everything, yet no one remembers me. it pains me to know the count the number of people who even remembers my birthday, much less bother to buy me a present.
i'm just so unimportant to everyone.
alex, my, cher, erene, farah, jj, ck, steph, zili.. all the people whom i used to see so much of, spend so much time with.. they've all forgotten me. it's just as if i've never existed..
my is enlisting on fri. and i don't even know until today. am i really still a friend?
i don't even have a cca or anything else to go to or put in effort for besides work. my life revolves around work and home. nothing else. no activities. no interest group. no cell. nothing.
then why do i want to continue to exist?
Saturday, July 05, 2008
tired. very tired.
i like my work.
but i don't like the environment.
the anaesthetists like me.
the surgeons like me.
but other nurses don't like me.
they think that i'm not respecting them by sharing with other new staff what i know.
they think that i'm flirting with surgeons cos we were chatting/crapping away.
they think that i'm a know-it-all just cos i know a little more stuff than the people who came in together with me.
my boss thinks that i know my work and is good at it. but sharing what i know, which is correct, is not acceptable.
i really don't know what i want anymore.
should i just give up and ask for out?
should i hang on and keep trying?
i thought i became happier after rotating to another theatre where i got alot more opportunities to scrub.
but i now realise, it's just a facade. i'm not really doing better after all.
so what if i'm good at my work?
so what if the anaesthetists think i've got potential?
so what if the surgeons think i'm good?
but i don't like the environment.
the anaesthetists like me.
the surgeons like me.
but other nurses don't like me.
they think that i'm not respecting them by sharing with other new staff what i know.
they think that i'm flirting with surgeons cos we were chatting/crapping away.
they think that i'm a know-it-all just cos i know a little more stuff than the people who came in together with me.
my boss thinks that i know my work and is good at it. but sharing what i know, which is correct, is not acceptable.
i really don't know what i want anymore.
should i just give up and ask for out?
should i hang on and keep trying?
i thought i became happier after rotating to another theatre where i got alot more opportunities to scrub.
but i now realise, it's just a facade. i'm not really doing better after all.
so what if i'm good at my work?
so what if the anaesthetists think i've got potential?
so what if the surgeons think i'm good?
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