that scary black pit again

WARNING: EMO POST AHEAD.

2 days' rest after working 10 days. not very restful since i've been running everywhere.. had alot of fun and sharing with the bmc people. but i repeat, if i'm not volunteering, DO NOT ASK YOU IDIOT.

despite all the fun and laughter, the darkness is never far below the surface. it's waiting to catch me and devour me. i fill my hours with activities to try and escape from it's clutches. but i can sense it's presence all the time.

i feel so down and lethargic.

went to work today, completely not in the mood, acting all strange and funny.

reached home to collapse in bed.

i'm so tired.

filling my week with even more activities. knowing that it would only make me more exhausted.

when will this end?

i remember a similar time last year.

it was so scary. i was all alone, and i didn't dare tell anyone. i maintained a facade. but it was so hard. it took alot of effort for me to start putting that time behind me..

but somehow, with all the sharing going on these weeks, old wounds have been re-opened. and i realise, they've never healed in the first place. the hurt is ever strong. and it's still bleeding. i'm ready to go back into my shell, to protect myself, at the slightest hint of hurt. i no longer trust.

with all my wounds bleeding again, i'm really not in the mood to do anything.

i start missing people whom i thought i've stopped missing.

i start wanting to do things which i've stopped doing.

i miss the comradeship of old. i miss the closeness we used to share.

and i realise that what i thought i no longer cared about is still so important to me.

my thoughts, worries and insecurities keep swirling in my head. i can't concentrate on anything when concentration is what i need most.

and work hasn't been smooth, making things so much worse.





i'm falling back into that deep dark pit of despair and i've no idea how to get myself out.





i need a break. but i can't take leave.

there's things i want to do. but can't.

there's dreams i want to achieve. but it seems too far away, and unattainable.

i want to be alone. yet i'm too afraid to be alone.

i want someone to sing me to sleep again. but i fear the intimacy.