*hurt*

so, i was ranting to some people just now.

people always think that i'm fierce, or scolding someone, or am mad at someone when i'm not.. but that's another story..

so as i was saying yesterday, i've been feeling really low and stuff..

and more things happened today..

and people tell me that it's because i'm a perfectionist, that i should just let things go, that i shouldn't let what others' say get to me.

but i don't think so. i've no idea how to explain this properly. but bottom line, i'm not angry or pissed off or upset.

i'm hurt.

hurt that having known me for a while, people still don't know me. that they can still think that badly of me. that in spite of all my efforts and all, people still don't trust me.

a while back, a slightly older senior who actually isn't all that great at her work told me that she "don't trust (me)" to do the simplest things that baby staff does. that hurt - alot.

i've been so emotional lately, i don't know what's wrong with me.

i tear at the slightest thing, get pissed off at the most innocent remark/comment and get irritated/frustrated super easily.

i'm so not myself. and i don't like it.

and i really DO NOT like probing people. like hello, if i'm not volunteering anything, DON'T ASK!!

every time i open my heart, i get hurt. so badly.

i haven't been sleeping well for a couple of weeks now and it's really not helping my emotional state. i'm such a wreck these days.. i lie awake at night.physically exhausted but my mind refuses to find rest. when i do finally fall asleep, i need to get up again in 2-3 hours to start the day anew. doing long hours at ENT this week isn't helping either.

tuesday and friday renews my sense of worthlessness and uselessness. the other days fill me with apprehension and fear.

i know my stuff. yet i don't know anything at all.

to think i was once so happy to be ENT-trained.





it's just around this time last year. maybe another month or so. the hurt, the trauma, the heartache. i've no idea how i made it through the time when my world came falling down. i still feel the pain as if it was just yesterday. tears still fall when i think about it. more than indignant, angry etc, the keyword here is again, hurt.

i'm too scared to trust anymore.

i'm too wounded to open my heart anymore.





people tell me to pray. to let go. to move on and get over it.

i try. but i can't do this on my own.

yet i can't trust anyone to not break my heart again.





i want someone by my side.
yet,
i just want to be alone.