internal battle

received a call last night which is causing me to fight a huge battle with myself now..

all the memories of old came rushing back. now, just what is it with this season and all these memories?!

but the point is, i've been asked to, and has made, a decision which i've no idea whether it's appropriate.

i feel the obligations, the responsibility. i don't want to regret not going back, yet i've come to love the smile on my face and the twinkle in my eye.

i'm going back. to where my smile will soon vanish and my eyes will no longer be friendly.

i'm going back. to where i gave my best, my all. but where hurt me most.

i'm going back. to not regret. yet live with other regrets.





i can feel my loneliness in the days to come. i can feel my isolation and helplessness. i can feel my friends leaving me once more, and being an angry little person all over again. knowing that i am indeed happier without it. but i made the decision to go back once more.

don't ask me why. i've no idea either. but i do feel obliged. and responsible.





probably, what i want more than any other thing is for a chance to redeem myself and make things right again.

perhaps, the place which taught me to pursue perfectionism is the very place to teach me not to pursue perfectionism.

possibly, the only place where i can find my lost self-esteem, self-dignity and self-confidence is the very place where i lost it all.

maybe, it's merely my foolish pride.





tell me friends, once again, that you will stand by me and support me. tell me that you will not leave me nor forsake me. tell me that when my tears start falling again, you will be there to help me dry them. tell me that i won't be alone. tell me that i'm not fighting a battle by myself.

when i've lost my smile, tell me that you're still my friend. when i've lost the twinkle in my eye, tell me that you would still hang out with me.

when i become a porcupine once more, call me and ask about me. when i'm moody, know that i'm angry at myself and not reject me. when i'm all dejected, cheer me up.





when i'm all alone, please do not leave me.