Thursday, May 29, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
*depressed*
i don't know..
i don't feel myself progressing. i don't feel myself learning. i don't feel myself improving.
and i've made that stupid Stupid STUPID mistake which i never should have!!
it's not as if i didn't know. i did. and now i just can't forgive myself for forgetting.
i'm upset and sad all the time. i'm not happy. i think i like my job. but i don't seem to be enjoying myself. the littlest things can trigger my tears and i REALLY DO NOT LIKE IT!!
everyone says that i'm just expecting too much of myself and that i should just relax. that i'm not as bad as i think i am and to give myself a break since i'm just 2 weeks old.
everyone tells me to try a while more and evaluate again. but when is this going to end?!
and for that one bloody mistake which i'm absolutely sorry for, when i already can't forgive myself, half the world is still hot on my case despite it having happened days ago!!
and every other person is asking me about my preference in OTS. and the higher-ups are perpetually telling me that i can ask for a transfer to DSC ward should i really not like scrub. but think about it, if i really am that aversive to being in OTS, i would have asked Sister Lay Hoon to take me out and put me back in the ward long before now!! the only reason why i haven't done so is because i want to give myself a chance to learn new things in OTS. so why on earth would i want to be transferred to DSC ward?!
argh!! how on earth am i going to make myself be understood by those people?!
[help. come save me. anybody.]
i don't feel myself progressing. i don't feel myself learning. i don't feel myself improving.
and i've made that stupid Stupid STUPID mistake which i never should have!!
it's not as if i didn't know. i did. and now i just can't forgive myself for forgetting.
i'm upset and sad all the time. i'm not happy. i think i like my job. but i don't seem to be enjoying myself. the littlest things can trigger my tears and i REALLY DO NOT LIKE IT!!
everyone says that i'm just expecting too much of myself and that i should just relax. that i'm not as bad as i think i am and to give myself a break since i'm just 2 weeks old.
everyone tells me to try a while more and evaluate again. but when is this going to end?!
and for that one bloody mistake which i'm absolutely sorry for, when i already can't forgive myself, half the world is still hot on my case despite it having happened days ago!!
and every other person is asking me about my preference in OTS. and the higher-ups are perpetually telling me that i can ask for a transfer to DSC ward should i really not like scrub. but think about it, if i really am that aversive to being in OTS, i would have asked Sister Lay Hoon to take me out and put me back in the ward long before now!! the only reason why i haven't done so is because i want to give myself a chance to learn new things in OTS. so why on earth would i want to be transferred to DSC ward?!
argh!! how on earth am i going to make myself be understood by those people?!
[help. come save me. anybody.]
Saturday, May 24, 2008
i'm in trouble
i've impressed an anaesthetist so much that i think she's going to try and get me to sicu.
HOPE SHE FAILS!!
HOPE SHE FAILS!!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
today
today was a really turbulent day.. not that a lot of things happened.. it's just that my emotions went on a wild roller-coaster ride.. in my effort to conceal my unhappiness, i gave a shock to all those who actually witnessed me breaking down..
like sister Ho said, "you're the last person i expect to cry."
as the day draws to an end, i'm glad that it's become more tranquil..
thanks to all those who remembered..
like sister Ho said, "you're the last person i expect to cry."
as the day draws to an end, i'm glad that it's become more tranquil..
thanks to all those who remembered..
Monday, May 12, 2008
hurt, VERY hurt.
i don't get it.
just why do you have to keep hurting me the way that you do?!
does it make you happy? does it make you gratified?
just what is wrong?!
just when i'm finally starting to walk out from the shadows of the pain that you've caused me, when my wounds are just beginning to heal, you've to re-open the wound. deeper than ever before.
why?
what have i done to make you want to wound me so?
in my capacity, i've done as best as i could. my methods may not always have been orthodox, but have you ever paused to wonder my intentions?
how can you judge me based on what little that you know. and what you know may not be completely accurate?
i'm tired. very tired.
and i'm more than hurt. i'm so hurt that i've become numbed.
and you really do enjoy wounding me at critical points in my LIFE, don't you?
this has got to be the most hurtful birthday present of my existence.
just why do you have to keep hurting me the way that you do?!
does it make you happy? does it make you gratified?
just what is wrong?!
just when i'm finally starting to walk out from the shadows of the pain that you've caused me, when my wounds are just beginning to heal, you've to re-open the wound. deeper than ever before.
why?
what have i done to make you want to wound me so?
in my capacity, i've done as best as i could. my methods may not always have been orthodox, but have you ever paused to wonder my intentions?
how can you judge me based on what little that you know. and what you know may not be completely accurate?
i'm tired. very tired.
and i'm more than hurt. i'm so hurt that i've become numbed.
and you really do enjoy wounding me at critical points in my LIFE, don't you?
this has got to be the most hurtful birthday present of my existence.
Friday, May 02, 2008
updates
1 month in OTS. and i'm quite determined to leave..
like stephen said, my character don't really suit OTS.. i like autonomy in my choice of actions and not having to ask for permission to do everything thing which includes transferring patient, by the way..
but again like he said, since i'm interested in pursuing med-surge, then being in OTS for a while will be good 'cause then i will be able to see the whole process patients go through and help me to better plan/execute my pre-/post-operative care..
so, i'm going to take his advice and stay in OTS for a year then transfer out..
on the other hand, thanks yihan..
i know i quite nearly drove you mad the other night with all my grouses about OTS and stuff.. but thanks so much for listening and being my verbal punching bag.. and staying up late to be it!
seems quite funny really.. we rarely even talk when he was still in singapore.. but now that he's in adelaide, we talk on msn almost everyday!! lol..
jia you worz!!
and according to this future doctor/surgeon, my problems will be solved by me getting a boyfriend!! hmfx. yea right!!
but in the meantime, i have my pbf- jj!! lol!
yea, so Sister Ho asked us to stay back and talk to her about our posting.. 'cause most of us didn't choose to be in OTS.. we were posted here 'cause they're expanding and needed alot of new staff..
so we were sharing and she was saying something like i could have gone to DSC where it's still a ward even though the patients only stay a while and it's not as challenging as in the real ward.
i tell you, if she really does transfer me to DSC, i'd either quit ttsh or go commit suicide or something!! hello, DSC leh!! o my goodness, she must be quite mad..
o, and han was saying that i should go and take my nursing bachelor's locally then apply for the usydmp which take only 4 years for me to get mbbs. then i was telling him NO MONEY!! so he was like, just apply and get in first then think about the money later.. hmmz.. should i?
o well.. yea!! gonna meet up with some of my friends for movie tomorrow!! happy!!
and my heartless gang. say what will definitely try and meet up but till now.. hmfx.
and a short something about sj.. well, things are really out of hand now.. and i'm actually quite guilty about missing all the zone stuff which i have a responsibility towards.. thank God i really am working so i can 'legally' miss those events.. but the guilt still pervades..
i missed something about OTS.. you know the ICU survival course? where they have a 4-pages long reading list? guess what? OTS received our reading list today and it's 9 bloody pages long!! along with learning EVERYTHING from scratch, i think i'm just gonna drop dead on the streets soon..
argh!! i'm totally randomized.. too sleepy/tired i guess.. gonna go sleep now.. still got work tomorrow!
like stephen said, my character don't really suit OTS.. i like autonomy in my choice of actions and not having to ask for permission to do everything thing which includes transferring patient, by the way..
but again like he said, since i'm interested in pursuing med-surge, then being in OTS for a while will be good 'cause then i will be able to see the whole process patients go through and help me to better plan/execute my pre-/post-operative care..
so, i'm going to take his advice and stay in OTS for a year then transfer out..
on the other hand, thanks yihan..
i know i quite nearly drove you mad the other night with all my grouses about OTS and stuff.. but thanks so much for listening and being my verbal punching bag.. and staying up late to be it!
seems quite funny really.. we rarely even talk when he was still in singapore.. but now that he's in adelaide, we talk on msn almost everyday!! lol..
jia you worz!!
and according to this future doctor/surgeon, my problems will be solved by me getting a boyfriend!! hmfx. yea right!!
but in the meantime, i have my pbf- jj!! lol!
yea, so Sister Ho asked us to stay back and talk to her about our posting.. 'cause most of us didn't choose to be in OTS.. we were posted here 'cause they're expanding and needed alot of new staff..
so we were sharing and she was saying something like i could have gone to DSC where it's still a ward even though the patients only stay a while and it's not as challenging as in the real ward.
i tell you, if she really does transfer me to DSC, i'd either quit ttsh or go commit suicide or something!! hello, DSC leh!! o my goodness, she must be quite mad..
o, and han was saying that i should go and take my nursing bachelor's locally then apply for the usydmp which take only 4 years for me to get mbbs. then i was telling him NO MONEY!! so he was like, just apply and get in first then think about the money later.. hmmz.. should i?
o well.. yea!! gonna meet up with some of my friends for movie tomorrow!! happy!!
and my heartless gang. say what will definitely try and meet up but till now.. hmfx.
and a short something about sj.. well, things are really out of hand now.. and i'm actually quite guilty about missing all the zone stuff which i have a responsibility towards.. thank God i really am working so i can 'legally' miss those events.. but the guilt still pervades..
i missed something about OTS.. you know the ICU survival course? where they have a 4-pages long reading list? guess what? OTS received our reading list today and it's 9 bloody pages long!! along with learning EVERYTHING from scratch, i think i'm just gonna drop dead on the streets soon..
argh!! i'm totally randomized.. too sleepy/tired i guess.. gonna go sleep now.. still got work tomorrow!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
i'm gonna go rob a bank.
i want money. ALOT of money.
at least SGD$500,000 to be specific.
Lord, please.
Lord, i've never wanted anything this much in my life.
Father, please grant me my wish.
Father, tell me what i must do.
Father, this is all i've ever wanted to do. and i've only just realised so.
Father, i pray for this with all of me, continually.
at least SGD$500,000 to be specific.
Lord, please.
Lord, i've never wanted anything this much in my life.
Father, please grant me my wish.
Father, tell me what i must do.
Father, this is all i've ever wanted to do. and i've only just realised so.
Father, i pray for this with all of me, continually.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
2 weeks on
2 weeks on and i'm really worried for my future..
i mean, not that OTS is bad or what, it's just that the skill set is just so different from all other areas! if i decide to leave OTS, i'm not sure if i'll be able to make it.. come to think of it, i don't even know if i will be able to stay on..
and we have to share lockers. the lockers are already so small but we still need to share. i don't seem to have any space to put my stuff!
was sorting instruments yesterday and i'm really afraid that i won't be able to do it. there's just too much that i don't know and have to learn. it's kinda hard to cope. i mean, in a normal ward, at least i'm already familiar with most of the basic skills and routine. there isn't so much to worry about.
but in OTS, i know nuts. not people, not work flow, not skills, not environment, not nothing!! o God. what am i gonna do?!
i mean, not that OTS is bad or what, it's just that the skill set is just so different from all other areas! if i decide to leave OTS, i'm not sure if i'll be able to make it.. come to think of it, i don't even know if i will be able to stay on..
and we have to share lockers. the lockers are already so small but we still need to share. i don't seem to have any space to put my stuff!
was sorting instruments yesterday and i'm really afraid that i won't be able to do it. there's just too much that i don't know and have to learn. it's kinda hard to cope. i mean, in a normal ward, at least i'm already familiar with most of the basic skills and routine. there isn't so much to worry about.
but in OTS, i know nuts. not people, not work flow, not skills, not environment, not nothing!! o God. what am i gonna do?!
Sunday, April 13, 2008
真是的！
问过一个自称喜欢我的人到底喜欢我哪里，他什么都不肯说。
昨天问了一个自称敬佩我，在我身上学到很多东西的人到底敬佩我哪里，学到了什么东西。这个家伙不仅什么都不说，还要我慢慢发掘？！
天啊，如果我知道的话，就不需要问了！更不会有今天的落魄。
昨天问了一个自称敬佩我，在我身上学到很多东西的人到底敬佩我哪里，学到了什么东西。这个家伙不仅什么都不说，还要我慢慢发掘？！
天啊，如果我知道的话，就不需要问了！更不会有今天的落魄。
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
reflections of a 2 days old RN
shh.. don't tell anyone.. but i'm an imposter! i'm actually still a student..
Monday, April 07, 2008
Sunday, April 06, 2008
OMG!!
omg!
i'm starting work tomorrow.
and i'm so NOT prepared!!
i don't want to start work.
i'm not ready.
mentally and emotionally, i'm spent.
i've been dealt too heavy a blow and i haven't recovered from it.
and i can't seem to garner the energy to do anything.
and as for actually starting work..
well, i'm also not prepared on that front.
i'm very scared. and paranoid.
i'm afraid that i can't fit in.
i'm afraid that i can't cope.
i'm afraid that i'll commit some error and (in)directly cause someone to die/suffer at my hands.
i'm so afraid that i don't want to go to work tomorrow.
i'm so paranoid that i want to quit nursing now.
i don't know.
i mean, i'm such a failure. how can i be trusted with the life and well-being of others?!
i'm starting work tomorrow.
and i'm so NOT prepared!!
i don't want to start work.
i'm not ready.
mentally and emotionally, i'm spent.
i've been dealt too heavy a blow and i haven't recovered from it.
and i can't seem to garner the energy to do anything.
and as for actually starting work..
well, i'm also not prepared on that front.
i'm very scared. and paranoid.
i'm afraid that i can't fit in.
i'm afraid that i can't cope.
i'm afraid that i'll commit some error and (in)directly cause someone to die/suffer at my hands.
i'm so afraid that i don't want to go to work tomorrow.
i'm so paranoid that i want to quit nursing now.
i don't know.
i mean, i'm such a failure. how can i be trusted with the life and well-being of others?!
Monday, March 24, 2008
感言
挣扎了这么久，为的是这种结局吗？
我此生真的除了天定没人要，同样也注定是个失败吗？
我承认我错了。
或许，一开始就是错。
现在，我还想让错误继续下去吗？
大概，从我的出生就是错。
思绪零乱。不知所措。
累了。想休息。
但也不叫休息吧，既然我从来都没有贡献过。
那就让我这只虫长眠吧。
我此生真的除了天定没人要，同样也注定是个失败吗？
我承认我错了。
或许，一开始就是错。
现在，我还想让错误继续下去吗？
大概，从我的出生就是错。
思绪零乱。不知所措。
累了。想休息。
但也不叫休息吧，既然我从来都没有贡献过。
那就让我这只虫长眠吧。
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
long time
it's been a long time.. in which alot of things happened..
i finally passed PRCP. and got a job. just waiting to start work on 7 april.
been REAL BUSY with st john in the meantime..
so yea.. alot of ups and downs.. been whacked quite badly.. but also been shocked and stunned by many..
THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU WHO HELPED!! you know who you are. you're the ones whom i smsed or called..
won't post about the competition itself cos some is just too private while others are being repeated too many times already..
blogger got prob so can't post pics. next time then.
i finally passed PRCP. and got a job. just waiting to start work on 7 april.
been REAL BUSY with st john in the meantime..
so yea.. alot of ups and downs.. been whacked quite badly.. but also been shocked and stunned by many..
THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU WHO HELPED!! you know who you are. you're the ones whom i smsed or called..
won't post about the competition itself cos some is just too private while others are being repeated too many times already..
blogger got prob so can't post pics. next time then.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
*shit*
all my dear friends, i'm just waddling through chest-high shit now.. if you still love me, call me yea?
o ya, i got whacked by my confused patient when we were trying to restrain him today.. -_-"
and i've got LOTS of random injuries!!
dr tseng thinks i'm jinxed.
dr ang sau shiun thinks i'm 'siao'.
dr su sheng yong thinks i should go learn cannulation.
dr kuan ling yee likes to ask me to do random things.
dr derek leong takes FOREVER to come up and settle my stuff.
but at least drs ng zhi xu and winnie ng are NICE.
and i miss my old HOs.. like timothy teo, wu ying jie, huang wen jie, kelvin tan, koh wei thye, angela tan etc..
o well, all my dear drs, I LOVE YOU!!
same goes for all the absolutely WONDERFUL RNs!! karen, navin, chloe, meme, yanling, arsenia...
i think, i should quit nursing.
and i think i'm gonna fail PRCP.
o ya, i got whacked by my confused patient when we were trying to restrain him today.. -_-"
and i've got LOTS of random injuries!!
dr tseng thinks i'm jinxed.
dr ang sau shiun thinks i'm 'siao'.
dr su sheng yong thinks i should go learn cannulation.
dr kuan ling yee likes to ask me to do random things.
dr derek leong takes FOREVER to come up and settle my stuff.
but at least drs ng zhi xu and winnie ng are NICE.
and i miss my old HOs.. like timothy teo, wu ying jie, huang wen jie, kelvin tan, koh wei thye, angela tan etc..
o well, all my dear drs, I LOVE YOU!!
same goes for all the absolutely WONDERFUL RNs!! karen, navin, chloe, meme, yanling, arsenia...
i think, i should quit nursing.
and i think i'm gonna fail PRCP.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
-got bullied-
my patient bullied me and gave me a bruise the size of a 20-cent coin!!
may not be very obvious from the pic but it sure hurt!!
-gah!-
may not be very obvious from the pic but it sure hurt!!
-gah!-
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Sunday, December 16, 2007
quick updates
went on super shopping sprees.. spent about $500.. lolz.. bought lotsa stuff.. happy~~
went drinking with my friends last night.. no hangover but woke up looking like a cooked lobster.. and i was stratching like the offspring of a monkey!! but i enjoyed it la..
anyway, PRPC been real bad.. think i'm gonna flunk out..
and St. John is just shit as usual.. o well..
nothing to say..
went drinking with my friends last night.. no hangover but woke up looking like a cooked lobster.. and i was stratching like the offspring of a monkey!! but i enjoyed it la..
anyway, PRPC been real bad.. think i'm gonna flunk out..
and St. John is just shit as usual.. o well..
nothing to say..
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