just, fucked up

chairman anco course told me last night that tw had no nominations for anco course.

finally managed to get 1 of the tics today to realise that they don't know about it!

then called a quite promising cadet from bh who decided to give up on anco course. completely disappointed in him.





just, fuck.

this past week

was really turbulent.. as usual, mood swing like mad.

sat started out great, then got completely ruined by HT. caused me so much unease, fear, and hurt that i simply sunk into a depressive-destructive state.

i called ms lee who kindly took time out from her studies to sit with me awhile at the coffee shop.

then i sat at the playground and talked to gramps awhile on the phone.. and roamed about the neighbourhood in an unsuccessful bid shake off my bad mood..

put up a facade for CM which crumbled once it was over.. worried kilogramp a bit with my abnormality during service.

BS took my mind off things for a while but things rushed back with a vengeance after that.

so i spent the entire week working off my bad mood.

today was ok.. woke up early and met up with friends for ASC. o man! the freebies and general generosity just shrunk! plus, there were fewer participating vendors and uninteresting speakers/topics.

then met up with j and jon after that for strategic planning. and don't even get me started on how much 2 of my juniors irritated me. and finally left with deep seated lack of confidence in the state of things.

joined the other 2 musketeers for dinner and gossip before we finally headed home.

tummy's acting up.. not feeling well :(





*sigh* why can't things just work out smoothly for once?

不想当熟悉的陌生人

me wants boyfriend!!

2 years on

this day 2 years ago, i fell from the sky.

this day 2 years ago, i hurt so bad that i could only run away.

this day 2 years ago, i was so convinced of my utter failure and worthlessness.





2 years on, nothing much has changed. i'm still the utter failure that i was. i still hurt so much that i try and escape at the slightest. and i'm still lying in the crater i fell into.



2 years. such a short time, yet such a long time. it took so much out of me to even try to move on from there. it takes more out of me these days to even face the possibility of meeting someone from then.



i miss the days of old so much, yet i fear them just as much.





j, thanks for being here then, and for continuing to be here now.

1 year on

1 year has passed since you left us.. how have you been? i never thought i'd miss you as much as i do.. i mean, in your later years, i wasn't all that close to you.. i visited once maybe in a couple of months, often times longer.. it wasn't until the last few months that i visited more, saw you regularly.. yet looking back, it feels like just superficial hanging around, pretending to fulfill my piety duties..

returning on impulse to spend that last night with you, yet not saying goodbye when i left for fear of disturbing you. that broke my heart. it did then, it still does now.

crazily eating all the egg ball biscuits i could find to try and capture memories of you was my way of trying to deal with it then.

when i found the exact egg ball biscuit you used to buy for me a few days ago, my heart filled with joy at the thought that i could once again feel you by my side. yet the disappointment that followed when i realized that things won't ever be the same, ever, was crushing.

these 2 years have got to be the worst in my life so far, and to deal with the loss of you just made things so much more horrible.

i was in no mood to celebrate my first birthday without you. the festivals that followed your passing feels weird.





are you safe in paradise now? have you prepared a room for me?
i miss you ah gong.

i'm tired.

of everything.

the disappointment, the stress, the loneliness, it's all weighing me down.

i feel so terrible about myself and everything else.

the fight's gone out of me, there's nothing left in me.

and i realise, despite everything that i do, i'm still forgotten by everyone in the blink of an eye.

post-meeting considerations

well, so many things..

am i good enough?

should i continue?

should i just give up?

H1N1 screening

yea, as some of you already know, i've been deployed out to do H1N1 screening..

it's been a couple of weeks already and the work is real taxing..

lots of patients, lots of work. lots of staff, but few workers.

tired.

i miss OT.

lousy me

i offended someone whom i regard as a rather good friend without knowing how or why. he's been simmering for weks now and i never bothered to find out why, assuming that he's just in 1 of his moods and that it'll just blow over.

things are piling up and i can't seem to complete anything.

getting stressed up so losing my temper more easily.

work's not exactly going fine either.

alot of things/prospects/possibilities to consider yet no idea how to make a decision.

no idea what to do.

i'm tired as usual.

my control over my finances has simply flown out the window these couple of months.

i'm such a lousy person.





no wonder no one likes me. no wonder i've got no friends.

life as a major

this year, i resolve to walk more closely with God, hence in this significant year, i chose to celebrate it by

1) starting a bible in 1 year reading plan and
2) using the book Jesus 365

on top of my normal ODJ.





Dear Lord,
this year, help me to commit everything to you. in all that i say and do, may You be glorified. may i learn to serve and seek Your Will and Word above all.

Lord,
you know all the things on my mind and in my heart that i hold dear, MBBS, st. john, work.. these are among the things which i'm perpetually wrestling with You for control over. Lord, help me to yield everything to you.

Lord,
i want to love You more each day. i want to daily walk in Your light.

Lord,
as i wear my cross upon my ankle, remind me daily to let You lead my path, let Your light guide my way, and to daily walk in You, with You, closer to You.

As these i pray in Jesus' most precious name, Amen.

:)

this year, i need no longer wonder if i'll be remembered or forgotten.

great surprise from my cell today :)

ok, the video was quite a give-away, but the rest was completely unexpected!!

love you guys lots!!





thanks for the effort.

thanks for being here.

thanks for remembering.

Swine Flu

What is swine flu?
Swine Influenza (swine flu) is a respiratory disease of pigs caused by type A influenza viruses that causes regular outbreaks in pigs. People do not normally get swine flu, but human infections can and do happen. Swine flu viruses have been reported to spread from person-to-person, but in the past, this transmission was limited and not sustained beyond three people.

Are there human infections with swine flu in the U.S.?
In late March and early April 2009, cases of human infection with swine influenza A (H1N1) viruses were first reported in Southern California and near San Antonio, Texas. Other U.S. states have reported cases of swine flu infection in humans and cases have been reported internationally as well. An updated case count of confirmed swine flu infections in the United States is kept at http://www.cdc.gov/swineflu/investigation.htm CDC and local and state health agencies are working together to investigate this situation.

Is this swine flu virus contagious?
CDC has determined that this swine influenza A (H1N1) virus is contagious and is spreading from human to human. However, at this time, it is not known how easily the virus spreads between people.

What are the signs and symptoms of swine flu in people?
The symptoms of swine flu in people are similar to the symptoms of regular human flu and include fever, cough, sore throat, body aches, headache, chills and fatigue. Some people have reported diarrhea and vomiting associated with swine flu. In the past, severe illness (pneumonia and respiratory failure) and deaths have been reported with swine flu infection in people. Like seasonal flu, swine flu may cause a worsening of underlying chronic medical conditions.

How does swine flu spread?
Spread of this swine influenza A (H1N1) virus is thought to be happening in the same way that seasonal flu spreads. Flu viruses are spread mainly from person to person through coughing or sneezing of people with influenza. Sometimes people may become infected by touching something with flu viruses on it and then touching their mouth or nose.

How can someone with the flu infect someone else?
Infected people may be able to infect others beginning 1 day before symptoms develop and up to 7 or more days after becoming sick. That means that you may be able to pass on the flu to someone else before you know you are sick, as well as while you are sick.

What should I do to keep from getting the flu?
First and most important: wash your hands. Try to stay in good general health. Get plenty of sleep, be physically active, manage your stress, drink plenty of fluids, and eat nutritious food. Try not touch surfaces that may be contaminated with the flu virus. Avoid close contact with people who are sick.

Are there medicines to treat swine flu?
Yes. CDC recommends the use of oseltamivir or zanamivir for the treatment and/or prevention of infection with these swine influenza viruses. Antiviral drugs are prescription medicines (pills, liquid or an inhaler) that fight against the flu by keeping flu viruses from reproducing in your body. If you get sick, antiviral drugs can make your illness milder and make you feel better faster. They may also prevent serious flu complications. For treatment, antiviral drugs work best if started soon after getting sick (within 2 days of symptoms).

How long can an infected person spread swine flu to others?
People with swine influenza virus infection should be considered potentially contagious as long as they are symptomatic and possible for up to 7 days following illness onset. Children, especially younger children, might potentially be contagious for longer periods.

What surfaces are most likely to be sources of contamination?
Germs can be spread when a person touches something that is contaminated with germs and then touches his or her eyes, nose, or mouth. Droplets from a cough or sneeze of an infected person move through the air. Germs can be spread when a person touches respiratory droplets from another person on a surface like a desk and then touches their own eyes, mouth or nose before washing their hands.

How long can viruses live outside the body?
We know that some viruses and bacteria can live 2 hours or longer on surfaces like cafeteria tables, doorknobs, and desks. Frequent handwashing will help you reduce the chance of getting contamination from these common surfaces.

What can I do to protect myself from getting sick?

There is no vaccine available right now to protect against swine flu. There are everyday actions that can help prevent the spread of germs that cause respiratory illnesses like influenza. Take these everyday steps to protect your health:

• Cover your nose and mouth with a tissue when you cough or sneeze. Throw the tissue in the trash after you use it.
  
• Wash your hands often with soap and water, especially after you cough or sneeze. Alcohol-based hand cleaners are also effective.
  
• Avoid touching your eyes, nose or mouth. Germs spread this way.
  
• Try to avoid close contact with sick people.
  
• If you get sick with influenza, CDC recommends that you stay home from work or school and limit contact with others to keep from infecting them.

What is the best way to keep from spreading the virus through coughing or sneezing?

If you are sick, limit your contact with other people as much as possible. Do not go to work or school if ill. Cover your mouth and nose with a tissue when coughing or sneezing. It may prevent those around you from getting sick. Put your used tissue in the waste basket. Cover your cough or sneeze if you do not have a tissue. Then, clean your hands, and do so every time you cough or sneeze.

What is the best technique for washing my hands to avoid getting the flu?

Washing your hands often will help protect you from germs. Wash with soap and water. or clean with alcohol-based hand cleaner. we recommend that when you wash your hands -- with soap and warm water -- that you wash for 15 to 20 seconds. When soap and water are not available, alcohol-based disposable hand wipes or gel sanitizers may be used. You can find them in most supermarkets and drugstores. If using gel, rub your hands until the gel is dry. The gel doesn't need water to work; the alcohol in it kills the germs on your hands.

What should I do if I get sick?

If you live in areas where swine influenza cases have been identified and become ill with influenza-like symptoms, including fever, body aches, runny nose, sore throat, nausea, or vomiting or diarrhea, you may want to contact their health care provider, particularly if you are worried about your symptoms. Your health care provider will determine whether influenza testing or treatment is needed.

If you are sick, you should stay home and avoid contact with other people as much as possible to keep from spreading your illness to others.

If you become ill and experience any of the following warning signs, seek emergency medical care.

In children emergency warning signs that need urgent medical attention include:

• Fast breathing or trouble breathing
  
• Bluish skin color
  
• Not drinking enough fluids
  
• Not waking up or not interacting
  
• Being so irritable that the child does not want to be held
  
• Flu-like symptoms improve but then return with fever and worse cough
  
• Fever with a rash
  

In adults, emergency warning signs that need urgent medical attention include:

• Difficulty breathing or shortness of breath
  
• Pain or pressure in the chest or abdomen
  
• Sudden dizziness
  
• Confusion
  
• Severe or persistent vomiting

How serious is swine flu infection?

Like seasonal flu, swine flu in humans can vary in severity from mild to severe. Between 2005 until January 2009, 12 human cases of swine flu were detected in the U.S. with no deaths occurring. However, swine flu infection can be serious. In September 1988, a previously healthy 32-year-old pregnant woman in Wisconsin was hospitalized for pneumonia after being infected with swine flu and died 8 days later. A swine flu outbreak in Fort Dix, New Jersey occurred in 1976 that caused more than 200 cases with serious illness in several people and one death.

Can I get swine influenza from eating or preparing pork?

No. Swine influenza viruses are not spread by food. You cannot get swine influenza from eating pork or pork products. Eating properly handled and cooked pork products is safe.

insecure

i hate my insecurities!!

doubts are creeping into all areas of my life. in everything that i say/not say, do/not do, i'm doubtful.

i keep questioning everyone's motives, myself mostly.

i can't trust at all!

i'm really tired.





Lord, please take away my all my insecurities and infirmities.

bad mood

don't know why, but has been really moody and irritable lately.

can't sleep well, which only aggravates the whole situation.

i may always seem to be smiling or laughing, but, i'm just really tired.

i'm stressing myself up over rather small things.

pushing myself really hard to not make mistakes.

trying so hard, yet not achieving anything.

my coffee intake has significantly increased. it's my mood stabilizer.

it seems as if nothing is going my way.





thanks jj, for listening, accompanying and helping.

but, where's all my other friends? have i been forgotten once more?

decisions, decisions..

OR

???

*after shock*

finally managed to make it down to my new corps yesterday.

suffering the after shock now.

it's very different from what i'm used to. in fact, that's a gross understatement.

it's very small, less than 30 people.

very ill-disciplined. vice-chair talked back to me in front of the whole corps.

very low standards in just about everything.

atrocious attendance.

TIC who knows nuts about running a corps and is only too happy to hand everything over to me.

current NCOs stepping down on fri, ie. tomorrow. BUT, new committee is not up yet!

i'm typing up their nominal roll with incomplete information right now, by the way.

like, HELLO!! why is a corps OIC PERSONALLY typing up her corps' nominal roll?! and an incomplete 1 at that!!

either their standards are really waaaaaay low or i've been too pampered and spoilt.





on the other hand, i really do see a few with the spark in them.

those who genuinely wants to do their best and tries very hard.

they're not good, but they put in a lot of effort.

those who have the potential to go further, do better, just waiting for someone to come along and maximise their potential.

it's just a few, maybe 20%.





but for this few, this 20%, i will give it my best, my all.

i will do everything i can.

for this 20%, i will once more give my 200%.

God

Happy moments, Praise God.

Painful moments, Seek God.

Quiet moments, Worship God.

Difficult moments, Trust God.

and

Every moment, Thank God.

There should be a cap on resources used when managing trauma

encountered this debate today, which i found wholly INADEQUATE.

proposition argued that there should be a cap since resources are limited and that there are other patients to consider.

opposition argued that we should only stop when the patient dies.

both sides are fundamentally agreeing that there should be a cap, the difference is when to stop.

BUT. who decides when to stop? how?

how far should we go before we agree that enough is enough?

how much should we do before it's deemed "tried our best"?

how do we decide when it's a waste of resources?

who should be the decision maker?

what do we base it all on?