just, fucked up

chairman anco course told me last night that tw had no nominations for anco course.

finally managed to get 1 of the tics today to realise that they don't know about it!

then called a quite promising cadet from bh who decided to give up on anco course. completely disappointed in him.





just, fuck.

this past week

was really turbulent.. as usual, mood swing like mad.

sat started out great, then got completely ruined by HT. caused me so much unease, fear, and hurt that i simply sunk into a depressive-destructive state.

i called ms lee who kindly took time out from her studies to sit with me awhile at the coffee shop.

then i sat at the playground and talked to gramps awhile on the phone.. and roamed about the neighbourhood in an unsuccessful bid shake off my bad mood..

put up a facade for CM which crumbled once it was over.. worried kilogramp a bit with my abnormality during service.

BS took my mind off things for a while but things rushed back with a vengeance after that.

so i spent the entire week working off my bad mood.

today was ok.. woke up early and met up with friends for ASC. o man! the freebies and general generosity just shrunk! plus, there were fewer participating vendors and uninteresting speakers/topics.

then met up with j and jon after that for strategic planning. and don't even get me started on how much 2 of my juniors irritated me. and finally left with deep seated lack of confidence in the state of things.

joined the other 2 musketeers for dinner and gossip before we finally headed home.

tummy's acting up.. not feeling well :(





*sigh* why can't things just work out smoothly for once?

不想当熟悉的陌生人

me wants boyfriend!!

2 years on

this day 2 years ago, i fell from the sky.

this day 2 years ago, i hurt so bad that i could only run away.

this day 2 years ago, i was so convinced of my utter failure and worthlessness.





2 years on, nothing much has changed. i'm still the utter failure that i was. i still hurt so much that i try and escape at the slightest. and i'm still lying in the crater i fell into.



2 years. such a short time, yet such a long time. it took so much out of me to even try to move on from there. it takes more out of me these days to even face the possibility of meeting someone from then.



i miss the days of old so much, yet i fear them just as much.





j, thanks for being here then, and for continuing to be here now.

1 year on

1 year has passed since you left us.. how have you been? i never thought i'd miss you as much as i do.. i mean, in your later years, i wasn't all that close to you.. i visited once maybe in a couple of months, often times longer.. it wasn't until the last few months that i visited more, saw you regularly.. yet looking back, it feels like just superficial hanging around, pretending to fulfill my piety duties..

returning on impulse to spend that last night with you, yet not saying goodbye when i left for fear of disturbing you. that broke my heart. it did then, it still does now.

crazily eating all the egg ball biscuits i could find to try and capture memories of you was my way of trying to deal with it then.

when i found the exact egg ball biscuit you used to buy for me a few days ago, my heart filled with joy at the thought that i could once again feel you by my side. yet the disappointment that followed when i realized that things won't ever be the same, ever, was crushing.

these 2 years have got to be the worst in my life so far, and to deal with the loss of you just made things so much more horrible.

i was in no mood to celebrate my first birthday without you. the festivals that followed your passing feels weird.





are you safe in paradise now? have you prepared a room for me?
i miss you ah gong.

i'm tired.

of everything.

the disappointment, the stress, the loneliness, it's all weighing me down.

i feel so terrible about myself and everything else.

the fight's gone out of me, there's nothing left in me.