hmmz.. alot of things happening recently..
mum's in japan, so I have to wake up at 0500hrs to wake my sister, make breakfast, then wait until 0600hrs to wake my dad. Then crash back in bed for another 1-2hr sleep..
Mom, WHEN YOU COMING HOME?!
Nursing Project deadline is next week but nothing much is done yet..!! I'm so bloody worried.. And the videos..!! Oh God, please?
Other projects are also piling up..
On a happier note, I just signed the Provisional Employment with TTSH yeaterday and I'm really happy about it..
Even though school just started after 2 weeks holiday, it feels as it the break never took place.. I was out doing a hundred and one things everyday and St. John just took up so much time!!
Talking about St. John, it's precisely St. John which prompted this post from me..
Steph ar, I think, this time, we really went overboard already.. Oh no.. What a mess..
Tomorrow St. John day already.. And it's really not up to my expected standard.. So.. CK, my dear beloved sidekick, you must help me to whack them today when you go down hor!!
Since I will be the only one going down tomorrow, you guys better wake up your sleeping idea!! JJ, jia you worz!!
And thursday got PD, since nobody can go down, Sufyan, DON'T SCREW UP YOU HEAR ME?!
And driving lesson also very problematic.. See how it goes la.. Haizz..
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Friday, June 08, 2007
SNASC Committee 06/07
Dear SNASC Committee 06/07,
Firstly, I'd just like to say that it was with peace and relief that I heard the news of me not being student advisor. I've been thoroughly sickened by the manipulation of this committee and I'm just glad that it has all finally come to an end.
Yes, I made mistakes. But until you tell them to me, I'm never going to realize what they are.
Don't kid yourselves. The committee did nothing together. There was no project that was carried out that more than 1 committee member was involved in. The thing this committee did best was talk, discuss, beat around the bush and basically do nothing much beyond. For all that has been achieved, they're just fragmented contributions of individuals. There has never been any team spirit.
And if you seriously believe that I called you friends instead of mere fellow committee members, I can safely assure you otherwise. For every single meeting that I've attended, nothing of what I've said was met with approval. At least, as much as i can recall.
What was said most to me was that I'm still young and lack the necessary experience. For every single thing that has been done, I've never been involved in the process.
Even towards the end, the post of student advisor was pinned on to me despite me stating in no uncertain words that I do not want to be student advisor. Even now, the decision to remove me has been made without my involvement.
I ask you then, where is the communication and discussion in that.
Sudirman was given a chance to explain himself after we pointed out his mistakes.
Maz was mostly absent. Shafiq even more so.
Andy contributed a lot. But Ben's biggest contribution was pointing fingers and claiming that everything is an ethical issue.There's ethics, and there's being ridiculous.
It's important to keep channels of communication open. But when you insist on e-mailing everyone, including the upcoming committee, regarding a meeting that concerned only the current committee, such is an example of rude and irrational spamming, not keeping everyone in the loop.
When I first joined the committee, I was excited to see changes made and eager to help in making things happen.
I leave this committee with utter disappointment with the attitudes of all involved. Myself included. Especially the times when I would rather engage in leisure activities than do SNASC stuff as I was absolutely revolted by what was happening. This was most apparent during the planning of the DnD when all of you were only good at criticizing what has taken place without even bothering to understand what has previously occurred to cause the happenings.
Don't package your words nicely. It only makes you seem hypocritical and horribly insincere.
Finally, I just want to say thank you. For allowing this whole fiasco to come to an end.
Firstly, I'd just like to say that it was with peace and relief that I heard the news of me not being student advisor. I've been thoroughly sickened by the manipulation of this committee and I'm just glad that it has all finally come to an end.
Yes, I made mistakes. But until you tell them to me, I'm never going to realize what they are.
Don't kid yourselves. The committee did nothing together. There was no project that was carried out that more than 1 committee member was involved in. The thing this committee did best was talk, discuss, beat around the bush and basically do nothing much beyond. For all that has been achieved, they're just fragmented contributions of individuals. There has never been any team spirit.
And if you seriously believe that I called you friends instead of mere fellow committee members, I can safely assure you otherwise. For every single meeting that I've attended, nothing of what I've said was met with approval. At least, as much as i can recall.
What was said most to me was that I'm still young and lack the necessary experience. For every single thing that has been done, I've never been involved in the process.
Even towards the end, the post of student advisor was pinned on to me despite me stating in no uncertain words that I do not want to be student advisor. Even now, the decision to remove me has been made without my involvement.
I ask you then, where is the communication and discussion in that.
Sudirman was given a chance to explain himself after we pointed out his mistakes.
Maz was mostly absent. Shafiq even more so.
Andy contributed a lot. But Ben's biggest contribution was pointing fingers and claiming that everything is an ethical issue.There's ethics, and there's being ridiculous.
It's important to keep channels of communication open. But when you insist on e-mailing everyone, including the upcoming committee, regarding a meeting that concerned only the current committee, such is an example of rude and irrational spamming, not keeping everyone in the loop.
When I first joined the committee, I was excited to see changes made and eager to help in making things happen.
I leave this committee with utter disappointment with the attitudes of all involved. Myself included. Especially the times when I would rather engage in leisure activities than do SNASC stuff as I was absolutely revolted by what was happening. This was most apparent during the planning of the DnD when all of you were only good at criticizing what has taken place without even bothering to understand what has previously occurred to cause the happenings.
Don't package your words nicely. It only makes you seem hypocritical and horribly insincere.
Finally, I just want to say thank you. For allowing this whole fiasco to come to an end.
Monday, May 21, 2007
guys + summary of updates
guys.. i'm really very disappointed in you guys.. what're you lot taking me for?! you keep doing this kind of things to me over and over again. what's wrong with you?! you know that i'm busy.
you know that i'm stressed up. but why do you still make a fool out of me the way you doing?!
i'm terribly disappointed in the three of you and the way you handle things.
o, just some updates...
St John: manageable.
june holiday program: done.
CPR workshop: concept up.
CPR workshop instructors' training session: tomorrow
BFA: *mutters an oath*
1st aid practical workshop: *mutters another oath*
KID july parenting workshop: mostly done.
TKR ICA: presentation next week.
CA larynx ICA: presentation tomorrow.
other presentations: under control.
FYP: in a mess.
SNASC: *speechless*
ECG workshop: *uh-oh*
but on a happier note,
DRIVING PRACTICAL STARTS TOMORROW!!
haha.
you know that i'm stressed up. but why do you still make a fool out of me the way you doing?!
i'm terribly disappointed in the three of you and the way you handle things.
o, just some updates...
St John: manageable.
june holiday program: done.
CPR workshop: concept up.
CPR workshop instructors' training session: tomorrow
BFA: *mutters an oath*
1st aid practical workshop: *mutters another oath*
KID july parenting workshop: mostly done.
TKR ICA: presentation next week.
CA larynx ICA: presentation tomorrow.
other presentations: under control.
FYP: in a mess.
SNASC: *speechless*
ECG workshop: *uh-oh*
but on a happier note,
DRIVING PRACTICAL STARTS TOMORROW!!
haha.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
DnD
haha... DnD was finally brought to a successful conclusion last night...!! but even though the event itself is over, there's still lots of post-event work to be done.. so i'll be kept busy with the DnD a while more... with the completion of DnD, i need to start work on some other projects... but i'm still not sure if i would still want to carry on the committee...
hope the aceh proposal will get approved...
anyway, senior committee meeting coming soon... we'll be discussing alot of things including if i would still be in the new committee line-up and if yes, what position..
went clinic last night after the DnD... drank and so i'm itching like a monkey now.. bleahs.. sorry guys, was just too stressed... i'm ok, really...
anyway, need go complete my e-learning day assignments...
hope the aceh proposal will get approved...
anyway, senior committee meeting coming soon... we'll be discussing alot of things including if i would still be in the new committee line-up and if yes, what position..
went clinic last night after the DnD... drank and so i'm itching like a monkey now.. bleahs.. sorry guys, was just too stressed... i'm ok, really...
anyway, need go complete my e-learning day assignments...
Friday, May 04, 2007
back... but not by popular demand
hmmz... been more than 6 months since my last post... what made me come back? well probably the need for some space where i can share some of the things happening in my life...
for those of you who don't know, i've been posted to another corps... but that's not to say that i'm abandoning you. please, i've never left, and i don't intend to leave. tiring it may be, but i'll carry on. for the promise that i made.
well, been really busy recently... SNASC is taking up alot of my time... tomorrow is the DnD so i've spent the past 4 weeks doing nothing much but constant DnD stuff... alot of nitty-gritty stuff... and i've no idea where all the time went...
but don't worry, i remember that i need to contact BMNH.. i haven't forgotten.. just give me some time to finish DnD, then i'll get down to it...
just submitted the proposal for the humanitarian trip today.. been corresponding with this guy from MR for the past week and i'm just so HYPED about it!! but, pending approval...
God, please? please please please please please?
anyway, need to get down to another proposal... sian. but need to hand up on monday... along with all my e-Learning day homework.. so super Sian.
for those of you who don't know, i've been posted to another corps... but that's not to say that i'm abandoning you. please, i've never left, and i don't intend to leave. tiring it may be, but i'll carry on. for the promise that i made.
well, been really busy recently... SNASC is taking up alot of my time... tomorrow is the DnD so i've spent the past 4 weeks doing nothing much but constant DnD stuff... alot of nitty-gritty stuff... and i've no idea where all the time went...
but don't worry, i remember that i need to contact BMNH.. i haven't forgotten.. just give me some time to finish DnD, then i'll get down to it...
just submitted the proposal for the humanitarian trip today.. been corresponding with this guy from MR for the past week and i'm just so HYPED about it!! but, pending approval...
God, please? please please please please please?
anyway, need to get down to another proposal... sian. but need to hand up on monday... along with all my e-Learning day homework.. so super Sian.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
我痛。
我痛。我痛痛痛。
痛到死去活来。痛到不知所措。
我已经努力了。可是，一切努力，换来的只是这无比的剧痛。
我该怎么办？想找一个骗自己的借口，让这个梦在延续一点，但事实让我伤透了心，找不到任何自欺欺人的理由。
我深入谷底，却没有人会来帮我，救我。
我无助，但没人来安慰我。
我独处，像一个受了伤的野兽。只想静静地躲在黑暗的角落疗伤。
心碎了，梦没了。
眼泪不受控制的往下流。
我失败了。我彻彻底底的失败了。我一败涂地。
我好绝望。
我现在的处境，都是由许许多多的无可奈何所造成的。
我一开始，就没有选择的余地。
走到这里，我早已精疲力尽了。
我失去了世界的重心，被打得站不起来。
我痛。我痛痛痛 。我痛痛痛痛痛。
[受了伤的野兽只想静静地躲在黑暗的角落疗伤。]
痛到死去活来。痛到不知所措。
我已经努力了。可是，一切努力，换来的只是这无比的剧痛。
我该怎么办？想找一个骗自己的借口，让这个梦在延续一点，但事实让我伤透了心，找不到任何自欺欺人的理由。
我深入谷底，却没有人会来帮我，救我。
我无助，但没人来安慰我。
我独处，像一个受了伤的野兽。只想静静地躲在黑暗的角落疗伤。
心碎了，梦没了。
眼泪不受控制的往下流。
我失败了。我彻彻底底的失败了。我一败涂地。
我好绝望。
我现在的处境，都是由许许多多的无可奈何所造成的。
我一开始，就没有选择的余地。
走到这里，我早已精疲力尽了。
我失去了世界的重心，被打得站不起来。
我痛。我痛痛痛 。我痛痛痛痛痛。
[受了伤的野兽只想静静地躲在黑暗的角落疗伤。]
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
long time no see...
haven't blogged in about a month!! alot of things happened... and, well, i'm really not that happy... so what's making me so upset/pissed/frustrated these few days..? well, st john as usual... more specifically, OTC.
yea, i failed my OTC theory paper... so i'll have to return my rank so... i feel like such a failure... i've already been trying my best, yet...
i'm damn pissed.
OTC came at a time where i had project presentations, exams, attachment, ICAs. i couldn't cope. i really can't.
and what's more. they're judging my ability as an officer based on a theory paper which bears few, if any, relevance to the actual running of a corps! and based on that, they're denying me and all the efforts i've ever put in for st john!! i hate this. i hate this system. i think i hate st john.
been talking to jj about this. he says, this may be the time for me to leave st john. is it, really? i don't know... should i?
spoke to mdm yati about it today. i thought i've gotten over it. i thought i'm ok now. i thought i've accepted it. but it turns out, i haven't. i was so sad, i could feel the tears in my eyes!
gosh, my blog makes me sound like someone with hyperactive tear glands..
but like i told mdm yati, going for OTC has never been about the zone/hq. it has never been and will never be. my motivation in st john is my cadets in BP. this, i'm clear. so, i guess, since st john would still welcome me back, i would probably still hang on... at least until the next ROD...
on a happier note. i got a new hp.. yea, finally got rid of the old one... i love my new phone.. yea..
i'm meeting up with my gang on sat...1 of them can't make it, but i guess, can't be helped...
right in the middle of exams now... so yea... gotta go study!!
oh, received my new mentoring assignment. bah!
yea, i failed my OTC theory paper... so i'll have to return my rank so... i feel like such a failure... i've already been trying my best, yet...
i'm damn pissed.
OTC came at a time where i had project presentations, exams, attachment, ICAs. i couldn't cope. i really can't.
and what's more. they're judging my ability as an officer based on a theory paper which bears few, if any, relevance to the actual running of a corps! and based on that, they're denying me and all the efforts i've ever put in for st john!! i hate this. i hate this system. i think i hate st john.
been talking to jj about this. he says, this may be the time for me to leave st john. is it, really? i don't know... should i?
spoke to mdm yati about it today. i thought i've gotten over it. i thought i'm ok now. i thought i've accepted it. but it turns out, i haven't. i was so sad, i could feel the tears in my eyes!
gosh, my blog makes me sound like someone with hyperactive tear glands..
but like i told mdm yati, going for OTC has never been about the zone/hq. it has never been and will never be. my motivation in st john is my cadets in BP. this, i'm clear. so, i guess, since st john would still welcome me back, i would probably still hang on... at least until the next ROD...
on a happier note. i got a new hp.. yea, finally got rid of the old one... i love my new phone.. yea..
i'm meeting up with my gang on sat...1 of them can't make it, but i guess, can't be helped...
right in the middle of exams now... so yea... gotta go study!!
oh, received my new mentoring assignment. bah!
Sunday, July 30, 2006
st. john
As I sit crying, I wish my tears can bring away my sadness.
To the sec 4s, I just want to say, thank you.
Thank you for giving me the chance to lead you.
Thank you for giving me the chance to guide you.
Thank you for allowing me to learn with you.
Thank you for letting me grow with you.
Just, thank you.
I can’t believe that my babies are leaving me already. It seems as if it was yesterday that I starred appearing back in corps. And when I read serxing’s blog just now, I feel guilty. In her blog, she commented that I try very hard to shelter you guys and bond with you guys. But I think, I’ve failed. Terribly. I haven’t really given of my best to you, I haven’t bonded with you guys.
I still have so much more to teach you, so much more to share. Yet, you’re leaving me now. What happened to all the time? What happened? What have I done for you? Will you even remember me? I feel guilty. I feel sorry. I’m, and grieving.
I’m crying and the tears won’t stop rolling. I can’t concentrate on preparing for my OTC stuff tomorrow, yet, I don’t really care. Cos, I’m losing my babies, the apples of my eye, and I can’t stop crying.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being such a lousy instructor then, and for being an even more terrible officer now. I’m sorry I’ve not really given of my best. I’m sorry I haven’t given you better. I’m sorry I haven’t fulfilled all my promises. I’m sorry I didn’t give you more.
Vitamin C lyrics
"Vitamin C Graduation (friends Forever) lyrics"
And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June
I didn't know much of love
But it came too soon
And there was me and you
And then we got real blue
Stay at home talking on the telephone with me
We'd get so excited, and we'd get so scared
Laughing at our selves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels
[1] - As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever
So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
When we look back now
Will our jokes still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels
[Repeat 1]
La, la, la, la:.....
Yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la:.....
We will still be friends forever
Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there?
Can we make it somehow?(somehow)
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
[Repeat 1 (3x)]
Dear Father,
Please bless all my babies in their future endeavors. Please take care of them and be with them. Please keep them safe from harm and evil.
Father help me. Help me be a better leader to the next batch of NCOs. Help me Father, to do what I meant to do, to show them your love, and your grace. Father, make me in your image, that I may lead righteously.
Father, please take away all these tears that won’t stop flowing, father, please make my heart whole again for it’s now broken.
Father, please be with me tonight.
All these I pray in Jesus’ most precious name, Amen.
[audrey is terribly miserable.]
To the sec 4s, I just want to say, thank you.
Thank you for giving me the chance to lead you.
Thank you for giving me the chance to guide you.
Thank you for allowing me to learn with you.
Thank you for letting me grow with you.
Just, thank you.
I can’t believe that my babies are leaving me already. It seems as if it was yesterday that I starred appearing back in corps. And when I read serxing’s blog just now, I feel guilty. In her blog, she commented that I try very hard to shelter you guys and bond with you guys. But I think, I’ve failed. Terribly. I haven’t really given of my best to you, I haven’t bonded with you guys.
I still have so much more to teach you, so much more to share. Yet, you’re leaving me now. What happened to all the time? What happened? What have I done for you? Will you even remember me? I feel guilty. I feel sorry. I’m, and grieving.
I’m crying and the tears won’t stop rolling. I can’t concentrate on preparing for my OTC stuff tomorrow, yet, I don’t really care. Cos, I’m losing my babies, the apples of my eye, and I can’t stop crying.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being such a lousy instructor then, and for being an even more terrible officer now. I’m sorry I’ve not really given of my best. I’m sorry I haven’t given you better. I’m sorry I haven’t fulfilled all my promises. I’m sorry I didn’t give you more.
Vitamin C lyrics
"Vitamin C Graduation (friends Forever) lyrics"
And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June
I didn't know much of love
But it came too soon
And there was me and you
And then we got real blue
Stay at home talking on the telephone with me
We'd get so excited, and we'd get so scared
Laughing at our selves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels
[1] - As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever
So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
When we look back now
Will our jokes still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels
[Repeat 1]
La, la, la, la:.....
Yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la:.....
We will still be friends forever
Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there?
Can we make it somehow?(somehow)
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
[Repeat 1 (3x)]
Dear Father,
Please bless all my babies in their future endeavors. Please take care of them and be with them. Please keep them safe from harm and evil.
Father help me. Help me be a better leader to the next batch of NCOs. Help me Father, to do what I meant to do, to show them your love, and your grace. Father, make me in your image, that I may lead righteously.
Father, please take away all these tears that won’t stop flowing, father, please make my heart whole again for it’s now broken.
Father, please be with me tonight.
All these I pray in Jesus’ most precious name, Amen.
[audrey is terribly miserable.]
Thursday, July 13, 2006
debate
adjudicated in debate today... and i realised that, i really do love debating... i don't want to quit!!
but i seriously feel unappreciated.
and where on earth am i going to find time for st john if i don't quit debate?!
but i seriously feel unappreciated.
and where on earth am i going to find time for st john if i don't quit debate?!
Sunday, July 09, 2006
世界末日
想笑来伪装掉下的眼泪
点点头承认自己会怕黑
我只求能借一点的时间来陪
你却连同情都不给
想哭来试探自己麻痹了没
全世界好像只有我疲惫
无所谓反正难过就敷衍走一回
但愿绝望和无奈远走高飞
天灰灰会不会
让我忘了你是谁
夜越黑梦违背
难追难回味
我的世界将被摧毁
也许事与愿违
累不累睡不睡
单影无人相依偎
夜越黑梦违背
有谁肯安慰
我的世界将被摧毁
也许颓废也是另一种美
[audrey is so tired that she's dying]
i'm so tired that a little bit of me dies with everything that i do... nothing seems to go right despite all the effort that i've been putting in!! i've got no idea what to do anymorenow... i'm really behind on my schoolwork and BCLS is coming up... just what do i get out of everything that i do that makes me keep doing what i'm doing?!
i'm tired.
i need a shoulder to lie on.
i just want to go to sleep and wake up a million years later.
but this mental enhaustion isn't something that sleep can cure. sleep can but numb it while i rest physically. yet in my sleep, i get no rest from this mental torment. i find it difficult just to get to sleep with a thousand thoughts that race through my head and demands attention. nightmares haunt me when i finally drop off into a state of comatose. yes, i don't slepp, i just enter into a coma for a few hours each night.
even sitting here with my eyelids drooping shut, i know, once my head hits the pillow, thoughts will start rushing to my cognitive consciousness and a hundred little details demand immediate attention. so, i choose to engage in this mindless activity known as blogging... in the futile hope that maybe, just maybe, that putting my thoughs and feelings to words will help ease this constant mental torture everytime i try to rest...
[audrey is so tired that she's dying]
i'm tired.
i need a shoulder to lie on.
i just want to go to sleep and wake up a million years later.
but this mental enhaustion isn't something that sleep can cure. sleep can but numb it while i rest physically. yet in my sleep, i get no rest from this mental torment. i find it difficult just to get to sleep with a thousand thoughts that race through my head and demands attention. nightmares haunt me when i finally drop off into a state of comatose. yes, i don't slepp, i just enter into a coma for a few hours each night.
even sitting here with my eyelids drooping shut, i know, once my head hits the pillow, thoughts will start rushing to my cognitive consciousness and a hundred little details demand immediate attention. so, i choose to engage in this mindless activity known as blogging... in the futile hope that maybe, just maybe, that putting my thoughs and feelings to words will help ease this constant mental torture everytime i try to rest...
[audrey is so tired that she's dying]
Friday, July 07, 2006
*thinking*
i've been thinking about OOC-ing... i mean, since i'm so NOT appreciated at zone level, and there's friction with the others about planning the competition team trainings and committee meetings against my schedule, maybe, st john is really not for me after all...? and since this is so, no point wasting anymore time in OTC.. might as well just OOC and i can take the time to go church, rest, catch up on homework, meet up with friends...
guys, when you read this post, please do leave a comment and tell me if i'm good enough. tell me if i'm qualified to train you. tell me if i'm good enough to be your officer. tell me what you want from me. even if you hate me, please, just tell me. so that i can at least decide what i want to do. so that i can grief and move on from st john if necessary.
i'm only trying my best.
i've seriously NO idea what i'm doing... why am i still in st john? why do i still persist in doing this even when all my close friends advise me against doing so? is it really only love for st john and passion for the work that i do? or is it more than that? i'm so confused...
what am i going to do if i suddenly cut st john from my life?
would i feel lost?
would it be empty?
or would i find more meaning for life?
would i very much prefer my life without st john?
st john has come to become such a large part of my life over the past 5 odd years.
it has given me so much, taught me so much and affected me, just as much...
i'm just trying to give back to st john what it has given me!!
i'm just trying to pay what my seniors gave me forward to my juniors!! is that so wrong?!
God, what should i do?
[thinking. considering. wondering. contemplating. pondering. deliberating. meditating. reflecting. musing. ruminating. mulling. cogitating. analyzing. rationalizing. evaluating. questioning.]
guys, when you read this post, please do leave a comment and tell me if i'm good enough. tell me if i'm qualified to train you. tell me if i'm good enough to be your officer. tell me what you want from me. even if you hate me, please, just tell me. so that i can at least decide what i want to do. so that i can grief and move on from st john if necessary.
i'm only trying my best.
i've seriously NO idea what i'm doing... why am i still in st john? why do i still persist in doing this even when all my close friends advise me against doing so? is it really only love for st john and passion for the work that i do? or is it more than that? i'm so confused...
what am i going to do if i suddenly cut st john from my life?
would i feel lost?
would it be empty?
or would i find more meaning for life?
would i very much prefer my life without st john?
st john has come to become such a large part of my life over the past 5 odd years.
it has given me so much, taught me so much and affected me, just as much...
i'm just trying to give back to st john what it has given me!!
i'm just trying to pay what my seniors gave me forward to my juniors!! is that so wrong?!
God, what should i do?
[thinking. considering. wondering. contemplating. pondering. deliberating. meditating. reflecting. musing. ruminating. mulling. cogitating. analyzing. rationalizing. evaluating. questioning.]
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
woots
gosh!! haven't blogged in about a million years..!!
*starts swiping DUST off my blog*
lolz... alot of things happened recently...
firstly, i'm now in OTC, carrying the rank of OCT and cadets call me Mdm... wahaha... sounds so grand... been working my new committee closely regarding their ROD proposal... am extremely overjoyed to have received only positive comments from TICs and other instructors... committee, THANK ME!!
wahaha... been quite happy thus far... even though i've been sick... but life seems so fulfilling...
deabte... contemplating quitting debate now... cos i feel unappreciated and kind of useless... besides, st john is taking up far too much time for me to be able to attend debate trainings properly... so ya...
SNA... today's going to be the second time i miss SNA meetings cos of st john... better buck off before they kick me off the committee!! o well...
so many things have happened recently...
*starts swiping DUST off my blog*
lolz... alot of things happened recently...
firstly, i'm now in OTC, carrying the rank of OCT and cadets call me Mdm... wahaha... sounds so grand... been working my new committee closely regarding their ROD proposal... am extremely overjoyed to have received only positive comments from TICs and other instructors... committee, THANK ME!!
wahaha... been quite happy thus far... even though i've been sick... but life seems so fulfilling...
deabte... contemplating quitting debate now... cos i feel unappreciated and kind of useless... besides, st john is taking up far too much time for me to be able to attend debate trainings properly... so ya...
SNA... today's going to be the second time i miss SNA meetings cos of st john... better buck off before they kick me off the committee!! o well...
so many things have happened recently...
Friday, May 26, 2006
*wondering*
as i take on more responsibilities, i'm seriously wondering what i really want to do... what's motivating me to take on more responsibilities/activities than i can cope? what do i get out of it all at the end of the day? i wonder...
trying to settle into my new post as the secretary of SNASC now... find their files in a gigantic mess?! changing things into the way i'm used to and like... ie. the UG way... lolz... never realised that my secretaries have to work so hard just to produce up to standard meeting minutes... will try not to be so hard on them now... but when i do scold them, i've got all the more authority 'cos i can do exactly the same thing and more!! watch out man.
the new SJAB committee has been announced. pardon me, but suddely, i just feel that the new committee is just going to keep giving me MORE problems... related to who is in what department, no less... o well, at least i know that there's a few i can definitely count on to get things done...
still waiting for news regarding OTC... will call up 1 of the TICs soon...
inter-school debate is finally over...!! SHS B, allied health team, won... woo hoo!! we won!! mr bernard generously agreed to burn a BIG hole in his pocket... he's standing treat... wahaha...!! he has got NO idea what he's getting himself into...
man, i miss erene... wondering how she's doing and everything... but really cant find the time to talk to her, or even e-mail her... nevermind, my holidays are coming... will develop the photos we took then send them to her along with a long loong looong letter...
gtg!! got class!!
trying to settle into my new post as the secretary of SNASC now... find their files in a gigantic mess?! changing things into the way i'm used to and like... ie. the UG way... lolz... never realised that my secretaries have to work so hard just to produce up to standard meeting minutes... will try not to be so hard on them now... but when i do scold them, i've got all the more authority 'cos i can do exactly the same thing and more!! watch out man.
the new SJAB committee has been announced. pardon me, but suddely, i just feel that the new committee is just going to keep giving me MORE problems... related to who is in what department, no less... o well, at least i know that there's a few i can definitely count on to get things done...
still waiting for news regarding OTC... will call up 1 of the TICs soon...
inter-school debate is finally over...!! SHS B, allied health team, won... woo hoo!! we won!! mr bernard generously agreed to burn a BIG hole in his pocket... he's standing treat... wahaha...!! he has got NO idea what he's getting himself into...
man, i miss erene... wondering how she's doing and everything... but really cant find the time to talk to her, or even e-mail her... nevermind, my holidays are coming... will develop the photos we took then send them to her along with a long loong looong letter...
gtg!! got class!!
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
一直很安静
空荡的街景想找个人放感情
做这种决定是寂寞与我为邻
我们的爱情像你路过的风景
一直在进行脚步却从来不会为我而停
给你的爱一直很安静
来交换你偶尔给的关心
明明是三个人的电影
我却始终不能有姓名
给你的爱一直很安静
来交换你偶尔给的关心
明明是三个人的电影
我却始终不能有姓名
给你的爱一直很安静
我从一开始就下定决心
以为自己要的是曾经
却发现爱一定要有回音
我们的爱情像你路过的风景
一直在进行脚步却从来不会为我而停
给你的爱一直很安静
来交换你偶尔给的关心
明明是三个人的电影
我却始终不能有姓名
给你的爱一直很安静
除了泪在我的脸上任性
原来缘份是用来说明
你突然不爱我这件事情
做这种决定是寂寞与我为邻
我们的爱情像你路过的风景
一直在进行脚步却从来不会为我而停
给你的爱一直很安静
来交换你偶尔给的关心
明明是三个人的电影
我却始终不能有姓名
给你的爱一直很安静
来交换你偶尔给的关心
明明是三个人的电影
我却始终不能有姓名
给你的爱一直很安静
我从一开始就下定决心
以为自己要的是曾经
却发现爱一定要有回音
我们的爱情像你路过的风景
一直在进行脚步却从来不会为我而停
给你的爱一直很安静
来交换你偶尔给的关心
明明是三个人的电影
我却始终不能有姓名
给你的爱一直很安静
除了泪在我的脸上任性
原来缘份是用来说明
你突然不爱我这件事情
Sunday, May 14, 2006
bad...
just came back from chalet today. and it's really bad. first, the chalet literally stink to the heavens. then, very few people actually came. plus, there were some un-invited guests. furthermore, there was not enough food and no drinks. it was a whole series of mis-adventures... poorly organised and terribly carried out. and weiliang really super pissed me out!! but that's another story.
but while i was lamenting the lousiness of it all, i realised that i've been too wrapped up in my own world. for though i can sense his sadness, and i could guess the source, but i couldn't and didn't do anything about it. so when we talked and the beach last night, his tears humbled me. i've been too uncaring and insensitive. what kind of person am i?! i promised to be there for you but i wasn't. i said i would be the lighthouse to lead you home and away from dangers, but where was i?
a thousand things to say but this is not the place to do it.
gosh. i feel lousy.
can't believe i actually abandoned my family and friends for this lousy experience. but then again, without lousy experiences, how would i know which ones are wonderful?
[the road may seem arduous now. but when it's all over and you finally look back, you'll see that the overwhelming obstacles now are but grains of sand in your shoes.]
but while i was lamenting the lousiness of it all, i realised that i've been too wrapped up in my own world. for though i can sense his sadness, and i could guess the source, but i couldn't and didn't do anything about it. so when we talked and the beach last night, his tears humbled me. i've been too uncaring and insensitive. what kind of person am i?! i promised to be there for you but i wasn't. i said i would be the lighthouse to lead you home and away from dangers, but where was i?
a thousand things to say but this is not the place to do it.
gosh. i feel lousy.
can't believe i actually abandoned my family and friends for this lousy experience. but then again, without lousy experiences, how would i know which ones are wonderful?
[the road may seem arduous now. but when it's all over and you finally look back, you'll see that the overwhelming obstacles now are but grains of sand in your shoes.]
Saturday, May 13, 2006
18
i'm finally 18!!
i realise, that it it now time to put behind all my wilfulness and selfishness. it is really time to grow and start taking responsibilities for all that i do. so for this year, i've set out a few resolutions for myself.
1) be more tolerant of stupid people.
2) forget him.
3) grow up.
18, a year of aspirations and dreams. 18 years of being taken care of, it's now time for me to take taking care of others.
yet i'm afraid that i will wake up one day to find that all the people who stand by me have gone. but the people i need to stand by just grows in increasing numbers.
[you can only see the brightest stars in the darkest nights.]
[you may not always see them, but the stars are always there. ]
[the stars will guide you home. ]
i want to be a star.
[i'll just close my eyes and pretend to be a star.]
i realise, that it it now time to put behind all my wilfulness and selfishness. it is really time to grow and start taking responsibilities for all that i do. so for this year, i've set out a few resolutions for myself.
1) be more tolerant of stupid people.
2) forget him.
3) grow up.
18, a year of aspirations and dreams. 18 years of being taken care of, it's now time for me to take taking care of others.
yet i'm afraid that i will wake up one day to find that all the people who stand by me have gone. but the people i need to stand by just grows in increasing numbers.
[you can only see the brightest stars in the darkest nights.]
[you may not always see them, but the stars are always there. ]
[the stars will guide you home. ]
i want to be a star.
[i'll just close my eyes and pretend to be a star.]
Friday, May 12, 2006
pizza hut again...
not that i mind pizza hut but i really don't like surprises like that. i've already condescended to have an extra member in our gang but she CANNOT upset all our plans just because she's vegetarian and chose to conceal it until we're all queuing at Seoul Garden. it's not fair. it's irresponsible. it's irritating. she's STUPID!! come on. please. besides. she has got absolutely NO sense of propriety!! i mean, not that i really mind her coming along... the more the merrier. but it's just too blatantly obvious that she belongs to a different league. imagine someone who needs most of your words literally explained and never gets any jokes even while the rest are laughing. she cracks jokes which nobody understands and laughs by herself in such a loud and boisterous manner that it's emberrassing. it's a disgrace being out with her. yea. tolerance. but, whatever. i'm pissed. i'm damned pissed.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
sick sia.
damn it. i'm sick?! got URTI... cough, sore throat, runny nose, fever... damn.
totally "voice-less"... how to go for deabte?! and there's 2 sessions tomorrow... SHS debate follwed by CADC... argh...!!!
anyway, went to BP to hand in the OTC stuff to Mdm. Yati today. found out that someone else is actually going but she may not be able to make it due to SYF in june... well... i guess it's good... we can help each other instead of 1 person shouldering the whole burden...
smsed Jie a bit about OTC... the only thing i can say is, thanks. i'm going to need a lot of support to see OTC through and i just want to say thanks to all my guys who said that they'll support me and stand by me.
Jie, you're not being selfish when you wish that i will go OTC... 'cos i'm the one who's selfish around here... i kept thinking about myself and the load that i carry... forgetting that i have a commitment and responsibility to you guys.
i've chosen the path to take and i'll walk the path i've chosen. God will stand by me and walk with me. Father i pray, please help me to walk the steadfast road and choose wisely. help me to make decisions for the good of everyone and may the choices i make by inspired by You for the good of Your kingdom. Father, bless me in all my endeavours.
School,
St. John (including OTC),
Debate,
SHS club,
Student Union,
SNA,
Mentoring,
Poly PEP,
Wesley Kids In Discovery,
Crisis Relief Wesley.
Father, i commit all these unto you. help me to see them through and through them, grow i You.
I pray all these in Jesus' most precious name. Amen.
[drugged by all the medicines i'm taking. going to S-L-E-E-P.]
totally "voice-less"... how to go for deabte?! and there's 2 sessions tomorrow... SHS debate follwed by CADC... argh...!!!
anyway, went to BP to hand in the OTC stuff to Mdm. Yati today. found out that someone else is actually going but she may not be able to make it due to SYF in june... well... i guess it's good... we can help each other instead of 1 person shouldering the whole burden...
smsed Jie a bit about OTC... the only thing i can say is, thanks. i'm going to need a lot of support to see OTC through and i just want to say thanks to all my guys who said that they'll support me and stand by me.
Jie, you're not being selfish when you wish that i will go OTC... 'cos i'm the one who's selfish around here... i kept thinking about myself and the load that i carry... forgetting that i have a commitment and responsibility to you guys.
i've chosen the path to take and i'll walk the path i've chosen. God will stand by me and walk with me. Father i pray, please help me to walk the steadfast road and choose wisely. help me to make decisions for the good of everyone and may the choices i make by inspired by You for the good of Your kingdom. Father, bless me in all my endeavours.
School,
St. John (including OTC),
Debate,
SHS club,
Student Union,
SNA,
Mentoring,
Poly PEP,
Wesley Kids In Discovery,
Crisis Relief Wesley.
Father, i commit all these unto you. help me to see them through and through them, grow i You.
I pray all these in Jesus' most precious name. Amen.
[drugged by all the medicines i'm taking. going to S-L-E-E-P.]
Monday, May 01, 2006
你那么爱她
直到爱消失你才懂去珍惜
身边每个美好风景只是它早离去
直到你想通他早已经不再对你
留恋最后的你开始了一段挣扎
你那么爱她为什么不把她留下
为什么不说心里话
你深爱她这是每个人都知道啊
你那么爱她为什么不把她留下
是不是你有深爱的两个她
所以你不想再让自己无法自拔
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