3 weeks on..

and i still don't know what i'm doing.

*depressed*

i don't know..

i don't feel myself progressing. i don't feel myself learning. i don't feel myself improving.

and i've made that stupid Stupid STUPID mistake which i never should have!!

it's not as if i didn't know. i did. and now i just can't forgive myself for forgetting.

i'm upset and sad all the time. i'm not happy. i think i like my job. but i don't seem to be enjoying myself. the littlest things can trigger my tears and i REALLY DO NOT LIKE IT!!

everyone says that i'm just expecting too much of myself and that i should just relax. that i'm not as bad as i think i am and to give myself a break since i'm just 2 weeks old.

everyone tells me to try a while more and evaluate again. but when is this going to end?!

and for that one bloody mistake which i'm absolutely sorry for, when i already can't forgive myself, half the world is still hot on my case despite it having happened days ago!!

and every other person is asking me about my preference in OTS. and the higher-ups are perpetually telling me that i can ask for a transfer to DSC ward should i really not like scrub. but think about it, if i really am that aversive to being in OTS, i would have asked Sister Lay Hoon to take me out and put me back in the ward long before now!! the only reason why i haven't done so is because i want to give myself a chance to learn new things in OTS. so why on earth would i want to be transferred to DSC ward?!

argh!! how on earth am i going to make myself be understood by those people?!










[help. come save me. anybody.]

i'm in trouble

i've impressed an anaesthetist so much that i think she's going to try and get me to sicu.










HOPE SHE FAILS!!

today

today was a really turbulent day.. not that a lot of things happened.. it's just that my emotions went on a wild roller-coaster ride.. in my effort to conceal my unhappiness, i gave a shock to all those who actually witnessed me breaking down..

like sister Ho said, "you're the last person i expect to cry."

as the day draws to an end, i'm glad that it's become more tranquil..

thanks to all those who remembered..

hurt, VERY hurt.

i don't get it.

just why do you have to keep hurting me the way that you do?!

does it make you happy? does it make you gratified?

just what is wrong?!

just when i'm finally starting to walk out from the shadows of the pain that you've caused me, when my wounds are just beginning to heal, you've to re-open the wound. deeper than ever before.

why?

what have i done to make you want to wound me so?

in my capacity, i've done as best as i could. my methods may not always have been orthodox, but have you ever paused to wonder my intentions?

how can you judge me based on what little that you know. and what you know may not be completely accurate?

i'm tired. very tired.

and i'm more than hurt. i'm so hurt that i've become numbed.





and you really do enjoy wounding me at critical points in my LIFE, don't you?











this has got to be the most hurtful birthday present of my existence.

updates

1 month in OTS. and i'm quite determined to leave..

like stephen said, my character don't really suit OTS.. i like autonomy in my choice of actions and not having to ask for permission to do everything thing which includes transferring patient, by the way..

but again like he said, since i'm interested in pursuing med-surge, then being in OTS for a while will be good 'cause then i will be able to see the whole process patients go through and help me to better plan/execute my pre-/post-operative care..

so, i'm going to take his advice and stay in OTS for a year then transfer out..





on the other hand, thanks yihan..
i know i quite nearly drove you mad the other night with all my grouses about OTS and stuff.. but thanks so much for listening and being my verbal punching bag.. and staying up late to be it!

seems quite funny really.. we rarely even talk when he was still in singapore.. but now that he's in adelaide, we talk on msn almost everyday!! lol..

jia you worz!!

and according to this future doctor/surgeon, my problems will be solved by me getting a boyfriend!! hmfx. yea right!!

but in the meantime, i have my pbf- jj!! lol!





yea, so Sister Ho asked us to stay back and talk to her about our posting.. 'cause most of us didn't choose to be in OTS.. we were posted here 'cause they're expanding and needed alot of new staff..
so we were sharing and she was saying something like i could have gone to DSC where it's still a ward even though the patients only stay a while and it's not as challenging as in the real ward.

i tell you, if she really does transfer me to DSC, i'd either quit ttsh or go commit suicide or something!! hello, DSC leh!! o my goodness, she must be quite mad..





o, and han was saying that i should go and take my nursing bachelor's locally then apply for the usydmp which take only 4 years for me to get mbbs. then i was telling him NO MONEY!! so he was like, just apply and get in first then think about the money later.. hmmz.. should i?





o well.. yea!! gonna meet up with some of my friends for movie tomorrow!! happy!!

and my heartless gang. say what will definitely try and meet up but till now.. hmfx.






and a short something about sj.. well, things are really out of hand now.. and i'm actually quite guilty about missing all the zone stuff which i have a responsibility towards.. thank God i really am working so i can 'legally' miss those events.. but the guilt still pervades..





i missed something about OTS.. you know the ICU survival course? where they have a 4-pages long reading list? guess what? OTS received our reading list today and it's 9 bloody pages long!! along with learning EVERYTHING from scratch, i think i'm just gonna drop dead on the streets soon..





argh!! i'm totally randomized.. too sleepy/tired i guess.. gonna go sleep now.. still got work tomorrow!