Starless Nights

just, fucked up

2009-10-21T20:15:00.003+08:00

chairman anco course told me last night that tw had no nominations for anco course.

finally managed to get 1 of the tics today to realise that they don't know about it!

then called a quite promising cadet from bh who decided to give up on anco course. completely disappointed in him.

just, fuck.

this past week

2009-10-18T00:21:00.005+08:00

was really turbulent.. as usual, mood swing like mad.

sat started out great, then got completely ruined by HT. caused me so much unease, fear, and hurt that i simply sunk into a depressive-destructive state.

i called ms lee who kindly took time out from her studies to sit with me awhile at the coffee shop.

then i sat at the playground and talked to gramps awhile on the phone.. and roamed about the neighbourhood in an unsuccessful bid shake off my bad mood..

put up a facade for CM which crumbled once it was over.. worried kilogramp a bit with my abnormality during service.

BS took my mind off things for a while but things rushed back with a vengeance after that.

so i spent the entire week working off my bad mood.

today was ok.. woke up early and met up with friends for ASC. o man! the freebies and general generosity just shrunk! plus, there were fewer participating vendors and uninteresting speakers/topics.

then met up with j and jon after that for strategic planning. and don't even get me started on how much 2 of my juniors irritated me. and finally left with deep seated lack of confidence in the state of things.

joined the other 2 musketeers for dinner and gossip before we finally headed home.

tummy's acting up.. not feeling well :(

*sigh* why can't things just work out smoothly for once?

不想当熟悉的陌生人

2009-09-26T15:04:00.000+08:00

2009-09-25T23:38:00.001+08:00

me wants boyfriend!!

2 years on

2009-09-22T22:26:00.002+08:00

this day 2 years ago, i fell from the sky.

this day 2 years ago, i hurt so bad that i could only run away.

this day 2 years ago, i was so convinced of my utter failure and worthlessness.

2 years on, nothing much has changed. i'm still the utter failure that i was. i still hurt so much that i try and escape at the slightest. and i'm still lying in the crater i fell into.

2 years. such a short time, yet such a long time. it took so much out of me to even try to move on from there. it takes more out of me these days to even face the possibility of meeting someone from then.

i miss the days of old so much, yet i fear them just as much.

j, thanks for being here then, and for continuing to be here now.

1 year on

2009-09-13T20:49:00.001+08:00

1 year has passed since you left us.. how have you been? i never thought i'd miss you as much as i do.. i mean, in your later years, i wasn't all that close to you.. i visited once maybe in a couple of months, often times longer.. it wasn't until the last few months that i visited more, saw you regularly.. yet looking back, it feels like just superficial hanging around, pretending to fulfill my piety duties..

returning on impulse to spend that last night with you, yet not saying goodbye when i left for fear of disturbing you. that broke my heart. it did then, it still does now.

crazily eating all the egg ball biscuits i could find to try and capture memories of you was my way of trying to deal with it then.

when i found the exact egg ball biscuit you used to buy for me a few days ago, my heart filled with joy at the thought that i could once again feel you by my side. yet the disappointment that followed when i realized that things won't ever be the same, ever, was crushing.

these 2 years have got to be the worst in my life so far, and to deal with the loss of you just made things so much more horrible.

i was in no mood to celebrate my first birthday without you. the festivals that followed your passing feels weird.

are you safe in paradise now? have you prepared a room for me?
i miss you ah gong.

2009-08-19T23:37:00.000+08:00

i'm tired.

of everything.

the disappointment, the stress, the loneliness, it's all weighing me down.

i feel so terrible about myself and everything else.

the fight's gone out of me, there's nothing left in me.

2009-08-11T23:23:00.000+08:00

and i realise, despite everything that i do, i'm still forgotten by everyone in the blink of an eye.

post-meeting considerations

2009-07-08T01:56:00.001+08:00

well, so many things..

am i good enough?

should i continue?

should i just give up?

H1N1 screening

2009-07-05T04:49:00.001+08:00

yea, as some of you already know, i've been deployed out to do H1N1 screening..

it's been a couple of weeks already and the work is real taxing..

lots of patients, lots of work. lots of staff, but few workers.

tired.

i miss OT.

lousy me

2009-06-07T00:18:00.003+08:00

i offended someone whom i regard as a rather good friend without knowing how or why. he's been simmering for weks now and i never bothered to find out why, assuming that he's just in 1 of his moods and that it'll just blow over.

things are piling up and i can't seem to complete anything.

getting stressed up so losing my temper more easily.

work's not exactly going fine either.

alot of things/prospects/possibilities to consider yet no idea how to make a decision.

no idea what to do.

i'm tired as usual.

my control over my finances has simply flown out the window these couple of months.

i'm such a lousy person.

no wonder no one likes me. no wonder i've got no friends.

life as a major

2009-05-13T23:32:00.000+08:00

this year, i resolve to walk more closely with God, hence in this significant year, i chose to celebrate it by

1) starting a bible in 1 year reading plan and
2) using the book Jesus 365

on top of my normal ODJ.

Dear Lord,
this year, help me to commit everything to you. in all that i say and do, may You be glorified. may i learn to serve and seek Your Will and Word above all.

Lord,
you know all the things on my mind and in my heart that i hold dear, MBBS, st. john, work.. these are among the things which i'm perpetually wrestling with You for control over. Lord, help me to yield everything to you.

Lord,
i want to love You more each day. i want to daily walk in Your light.

Lord,
as i wear my cross upon my ankle, remind me daily to let You lead my path, let Your light guide my way, and to daily walk in You, with You, closer to You.

As these i pray in Jesus' most precious name, Amen.

:)

2009-05-02T22:39:00.002+08:00

this year, i need no longer wonder if i'll be remembered or forgotten.

great surprise from my cell today :)

ok, the video was quite a give-away, but the rest was completely unexpected!!

love you guys lots!!

thanks for the effort.

thanks for being here.

thanks for remembering.

Swine Flu

2009-04-30T00:30:00.002+08:00

What is swine flu?
Swine Influenza (swine flu) is a respiratory disease of pigs caused by type A influenza viruses that causes regular outbreaks in pigs. People do not normally get swine flu, but human infections can and do happen. Swine flu viruses have been reported to spread from person-to-person, but in the past, this transmission was limited and not sustained beyond three people.

Are there human infections with swine flu in the U.S.?
In late March and early April 2009, cases of human infection with swine influenza A (H1N1) viruses were first reported in Southern California and near San Antonio, Texas. Other U.S. states have reported cases of swine flu infection in humans and cases have been reported internationally as well. An updated case count of confirmed swine flu infections in the United States is kept at http://www.cdc.gov/swineflu/investigation.htm CDC and local and state health agencies are working together to investigate this situation.

Is this swine flu virus contagious?
CDC has determined that this swine influenza A (H1N1) virus is contagious and is spreading from human to human. However, at this time, it is not known how easily the virus spreads between people.

What are the signs and symptoms of swine flu in people?
The symptoms of swine flu in people are similar to the symptoms of regular human flu and include fever, cough, sore throat, body aches, headache, chills and fatigue. Some people have reported diarrhea and vomiting associated with swine flu. In the past, severe illness (pneumonia and respiratory failure) and deaths have been reported with swine flu infection in people. Like seasonal flu, swine flu may cause a worsening of underlying chronic medical conditions.

How does swine flu spread?
Spread of this swine influenza A (H1N1) virus is thought to be happening in the same way that seasonal flu spreads. Flu viruses are spread mainly from person to person through coughing or sneezing of people with influenza. Sometimes people may become infected by touching something with flu viruses on it and then touching their mouth or nose.

How can someone with the flu infect someone else?
Infected people may be able to infect others beginning 1 day before symptoms develop and up to 7 or more days after becoming sick. That means that you may be able to pass on the flu to someone else before you know you are sick, as well as while you are sick.

What should I do to keep from getting the flu?
First and most important: wash your hands. Try to stay in good general health. Get plenty of sleep, be physically active, manage your stress, drink plenty of fluids, and eat nutritious food. Try not touch surfaces that may be contaminated with the flu virus. Avoid close contact with people who are sick.

Are there medicines to treat swine flu?
Yes. CDC recommends the use of oseltamivir or zanamivir for the treatment and/or prevention of infection with these swine influenza viruses. Antiviral drugs are prescription medicines (pills, liquid or an inhaler) that fight against the flu by keeping flu viruses from reproducing in your body. If you get sick, antiviral drugs can make your illness milder and make you feel better faster. They may also prevent serious flu complications. For treatment, antiviral drugs work best if started soon after getting sick (within 2 days of symptoms).

How long can an infected person spread swine flu to others?
People with swine influenza virus infection should be considered potentially contagious as long as they are symptomatic and possible for up to 7 days following illness onset. Children, especially younger children, might potentially be contagious for longer periods.

What surfaces are most likely to be sources of contamination?
Germs can be spread when a person touches something that is contaminated with germs and then touches his or her eyes, nose, or mouth. Droplets from a cough or sneeze of an infected person move through the air. Germs can be spread when a person touches respiratory droplets from another person on a surface like a desk and then touches their own eyes, mouth or nose before washing their hands.

How long can viruses live outside the body?
We know that some viruses and bacteria can live 2 hours or longer on surfaces like cafeteria tables, doorknobs, and desks. Frequent handwashing will help you reduce the chance of getting contamination from these common surfaces.

What can I do to protect myself from getting sick?

There is no vaccine available right now to protect against swine flu. There are everyday actions that can help prevent the spread of germs that cause respiratory illnesses like influenza. Take these everyday steps to protect your health:

Cover your nose and mouth with a tissue when you cough or sneeze. Throw the tissue in the trash after you use it.
Wash your hands often with soap and water, especially after you cough or sneeze. Alcohol-based hand cleaners are also effective.
Avoid touching your eyes, nose or mouth. Germs spread this way.
Try to avoid close contact with sick people.
If you get sick with influenza, CDC recommends that you stay home from work or school and limit contact with others to keep from infecting them.

What is the best way to keep from spreading the virus through coughing or sneezing?

If you are sick, limit your contact with other people as much as possible. Do not go to work or school if ill. Cover your mouth and nose with a tissue when coughing or sneezing. It may prevent those around you from getting sick. Put your used tissue in the waste basket. Cover your cough or sneeze if you do not have a tissue. Then, clean your hands, and do so every time you cough or sneeze.

What is the best technique for washing my hands to avoid getting the flu?

Washing your hands often will help protect you from germs. Wash with soap and water. or clean with alcohol-based hand cleaner. we recommend that when you wash your hands -- with soap and warm water -- that you wash for 15 to 20 seconds. When soap and water are not available, alcohol-based disposable hand wipes or gel sanitizers may be used. You can find them in most supermarkets and drugstores. If using gel, rub your hands until the gel is dry. The gel doesn't need water to work; the alcohol in it kills the germs on your hands.

What should I do if I get sick?

If you live in areas where swine influenza cases have been identified and become ill with influenza-like symptoms, including fever, body aches, runny nose, sore throat, nausea, or vomiting or diarrhea, you may want to contact their health care provider, particularly if you are worried about your symptoms. Your health care provider will determine whether influenza testing or treatment is needed.

If you are sick, you should stay home and avoid contact with other people as much as possible to keep from spreading your illness to others.

If you become ill and experience any of the following warning signs, seek emergency medical care.

In children emergency warning signs that need urgent medical attention include:

Fast breathing or trouble breathing
Bluish skin color
Not drinking enough fluids
Not waking up or not interacting
Being so irritable that the child does not want to be held
Flu-like symptoms improve but then return with fever and worse cough
Fever with a rash

In adults, emergency warning signs that need urgent medical attention include:

Difficulty breathing or shortness of breath
Pain or pressure in the chest or abdomen
Sudden dizziness
Confusion
Severe or persistent vomiting

How serious is swine flu infection?

Like seasonal flu, swine flu in humans can vary in severity from mild to severe. Between 2005 until January 2009, 12 human cases of swine flu were detected in the U.S. with no deaths occurring. However, swine flu infection can be serious. In September 1988, a previously healthy 32-year-old pregnant woman in Wisconsin was hospitalized for pneumonia after being infected with swine flu and died 8 days later. A swine flu outbreak in Fort Dix, New Jersey occurred in 1976 that caused more than 200 cases with serious illness in several people and one death.

Can I get swine influenza from eating or preparing pork?

No. Swine influenza viruses are not spread by food. You cannot get swine influenza from eating pork or pork products. Eating properly handled and cooked pork products is safe.

insecure

2009-04-28T00:57:00.003+08:00

i hate my insecurities!!

doubts are creeping into all areas of my life. in everything that i say/not say, do/not do, i'm doubtful.

i keep questioning everyone's motives, myself mostly.

i can't trust at all!

i'm really tired.

Lord, please take away my all my insecurities and infirmities.

bad mood

2009-04-27T00:04:00.003+08:00

don't know why, but has been really moody and irritable lately.

can't sleep well, which only aggravates the whole situation.

i may always seem to be smiling or laughing, but, i'm just really tired.

i'm stressing myself up over rather small things.

pushing myself really hard to not make mistakes.

trying so hard, yet not achieving anything.

my coffee intake has significantly increased. it's my mood stabilizer.

it seems as if nothing is going my way.

thanks jj, for listening, accompanying and helping.

but, where's all my other friends? have i been forgotten once more?

decisions, decisions..

2009-04-21T23:40:00.003+08:00

OR

???

after shock

2009-04-16T23:53:00.003+08:00

finally managed to make it down to my new corps yesterday.

suffering the after shock now.

it's very different from what i'm used to. in fact, that's a gross understatement.

it's very small, less than 30 people.

very ill-disciplined. vice-chair talked back to me in front of the whole corps.

very low standards in just about everything.

atrocious attendance.

TIC who knows nuts about running a corps and is only too happy to hand everything over to me.

current NCOs stepping down on fri, ie. tomorrow. BUT, new committee is not up yet!

i'm typing up their nominal roll with incomplete information right now, by the way.

like, HELLO!! why is a corps OIC PERSONALLY typing up her corps' nominal roll?! and an incomplete 1 at that!!

either their standards are really waaaaaay low or i've been too pampered and spoilt.

on the other hand, i really do see a few with the spark in them.

those who genuinely wants to do their best and tries very hard.

they're not good, but they put in a lot of effort.

those who have the potential to go further, do better, just waiting for someone to come along and maximise their potential.

it's just a few, maybe 20%.

but for this few, this 20%, i will give it my best, my all.

i will do everything i can.

for this 20%, i will once more give my 200%.

God

2009-04-13T01:09:00.004+08:00

Happy moments, Praise God.

Painful moments, Seek God.

Quiet moments, Worship God.

Difficult moments, Trust God.

and

Every moment, Thank God.

There should be a cap on resources used when managing trauma

2009-04-04T22:38:00.002+08:00

encountered this debate today, which i found wholly INADEQUATE.

proposition argued that there should be a cap since resources are limited and that there are other patients to consider.

opposition argued that we should only stop when the patient dies.

both sides are fundamentally agreeing that there should be a cap, the difference is when to stop.

BUT. who decides when to stop? how?

how far should we go before we agree that enough is enough?

how much should we do before it's deemed "tried our best"?

how do we decide when it's a waste of resources?

who should be the decision maker?

what do we base it all on?

:)

2009-04-01T18:09:00.002+08:00

great time of fellowship with hsiao ling today..

i really miss those days where i'm being challenged to think, to explore, to search for answers..

as much as i enjoy learning as i teach, i do still need the mental stimulation..

thank you Lord, for putting all these people in my life, to guide me, to sound me out, to care about me..

darn.

2009-03-29T21:41:00.005+08:00

i've been choosy about food.

got LOA.

and i regurgitated all of my lunch. (which was great food that i like, by the way)

if you who reads this understands what this means, well, i need you.

The Will of God

2009-03-29T01:02:00.002+08:00

The Will of God will never take you,
where the grace of God cannot keep you,
where the arms of God cannot support you,
where the riches of God cannot supply your needs,
where the power of God cannot endow you.

The Will of God will never take you,
where the spirit of God cannot work through you,
where the wisdom of God cannot teach you,
where the army of God cannot protect you,
where the hands of God cannot mold you,

The Will of God will never take you,
where the love of God cannot enfold you,
where the mercies of God cannot sustain you,
where the peace of God cannot calm your fears,
where the authority of God cannot overrule you.

The Will of God will never take you,
where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears,
where the Word of God cannot feed you,
where the miracles of God cannot be done for you,
where the omnipresence of God cannot find you.

Author Unknown

baptism

2009-03-26T23:08:00.002+08:00

i have been baptised as Audrey Esther Tsan today. :)

it's been a really long and windy road.. from knowing and believing, to straying and back again, it's been a looong 7 years 6 months and 4 days.

Lord, there's so much to thank You for.

i was born Audrey, but i chose to be baptised as Audrey Esther.

firstly because Audrey is such a huge part of my identity.

Esther because the name means star. i want to be a star in the dark night sky, bringing light and hope to all in the world.

Esther also because Queen Esther in the book of Esther encompasses a lot of the qualities i myself would love to have, such as wisdom, courage and compassion.

nearly 21 years ago, i was born Audrey Tsan.

today, i'm thankful for the chance to be born again as Audrey Esther Tsan.

thank you Lord, for all that you've done for me. for staying with me. for loving even me.

low self-esteem attack

2009-03-26T00:24:00.002+08:00

i've got so many things on my hands, i've really no idea at all if i can make it.

i'm so afraid of not doing everything well or worse, screwing everything up.

i keep agreeing to do everything and i think i'm going to burn out again soon..

but, i really do enjoy what i've been tasked to do and stuff..

in a huge dilemma right now..

met up with HT just now. long meeting. more duties/responsibilities/tasks.

i really cannot justify to myself why i'm still doing all these. i can't understand why i'd let myself be sucked back into that horrible place again..

just what am i trying to prove, and who to, i cannot tell.

so many things weighing on me. and i still have to keep rested and sane enough for my job.

Lord, help me.

stressed.

2009-03-19T00:00:00.001+08:00

even before it all started.

how am i going to make it?!

魔女回来了

2009-03-15T21:57:00.000+08:00

:)

2009-03-08T01:51:00.000+08:00

lots of inspiration from yesterday's bmc message.

and my new bff.

things might not be so bad after all.

but i'm still worried.

给：家杰

2009-03-05T00:14:00.003+08:00

从哪里跌倒，就必须从哪了站起来。

这次做出这种决定，我心里何尝不畏惧，不害怕。

昔日的并肩携手与互相扶持不再，有的只剩孤军作战。

这个任务将挑战我的极限。以往的一切只能当参考，却无真正用意。

过去一年的伤痛，我想一次弥补。

就当它是我的救赎，让我重生的机会。

我不想后悔没有好好把握这次机会。

但我恐惧，我即将失去的会令我更后悔。

我害怕众人对我的目光。

我害怕自己成事不足，败事有余。

在众多焦率，恐慌和不安中，最令我畏惧的是孤独与寂寞。

曾经我与孤独为伍，把寂寞当朋友。

可是，我找到了家。跟你们在一起努力奋斗的日子最令我怀念。

因为有过并肩作战，所以往后会害怕孤独和寂寞。

既然会害怕，该怎么再次把它们当朋友，再次与它们为伍？

这一次，成败与否，都是我一个人的。而若我再次失败的话，我真的不知道我会怎样。倘若让我发现我真的是一无是处，我该怎么办？

家杰，
当我的嘴角再也扬不起笑容时，当我的眼神再充满敌意时，你还愿意当我的朋友吗？
当我的孤僻病再犯时，你还愿意守着我吗？
当我的完美主义发作时，你还愿意容忍我吗？

当我再次变成孤岛时，你会像其他人一样离开我吗？

internal battle

2009-03-04T17:15:00.007+08:00

received a call last night which is causing me to fight a huge battle with myself now..

all the memories of old came rushing back. now, just what is it with this season and all these memories?!

but the point is, i've been asked to, and has made, a decision which i've no idea whether it's appropriate.

i feel the obligations, the responsibility. i don't want to regret not going back, yet i've come to love the smile on my face and the twinkle in my eye.

i'm going back. to where my smile will soon vanish and my eyes will no longer be friendly.

i'm going back. to where i gave my best, my all. but where hurt me most.

i'm going back. to not regret. yet live with other regrets.

i can feel my loneliness in the days to come. i can feel my isolation and helplessness. i can feel my friends leaving me once more, and being an angry little person all over again. knowing that i am indeed happier without it. but i made the decision to go back once more.

don't ask me why. i've no idea either. but i do feel obliged. and responsible.

probably, what i want more than any other thing is for a chance to redeem myself and make things right again.

perhaps, the place which taught me to pursue perfectionism is the very place to teach me not to pursue perfectionism.

possibly, the only place where i can find my lost self-esteem, self-dignity and self-confidence is the very place where i lost it all.

maybe, it's merely my foolish pride.

tell me friends, once again, that you will stand by me and support me. tell me that you will not leave me nor forsake me. tell me that when my tears start falling again, you will be there to help me dry them. tell me that i won't be alone. tell me that i'm not fighting a battle by myself.

when i've lost my smile, tell me that you're still my friend. when i've lost the twinkle in my eye, tell me that you would still hang out with me.

when i become a porcupine once more, call me and ask about me. when i'm moody, know that i'm angry at myself and not reject me. when i'm all dejected, cheer me up.

when i'm all alone, please do not leave me.

joshie

2009-03-02T00:02:00.003+08:00

heys! :)

you're probably never going to see this but i want to say this anyway.

thanks for appearing, thanks for being such a great friend..

i've more than a few good/great friends, and i've called more than a few people bros. but you're like the older brother i never had.

we're so alike in many ways, and we have so many coincidences in our lives. it's freaky! and uncanny. and i can't understand why we've never met until now.

you're so different from all the other people i've known and are in my life. i've never known anyone whose thoughts and opinions are so in line with mine. i haven't been able to discuss things on such an intellectual level with anyone else

thank you for being the one i can open up to. thank you for allowing me to share my burdens.

thank you for allowing me to share your stories.

thank you for daring to pursue your dreams, so that me pursuing my dreams doesn't seem so unreasonable after all.

thank you for all that you've said and done.

thank you for coming into my life.

thank you for caring.

thanks for everything brother.

that scary black pit again

2009-02-23T22:29:00.003+08:00

WARNING: EMO POST AHEAD.

2 days' rest after working 10 days. not very restful since i've been running everywhere.. had alot of fun and sharing with the bmc people. but i repeat, if i'm not volunteering, DO NOT ASK YOU IDIOT.

despite all the fun and laughter, the darkness is never far below the surface. it's waiting to catch me and devour me. i fill my hours with activities to try and escape from it's clutches. but i can sense it's presence all the time.

i feel so down and lethargic.

went to work today, completely not in the mood, acting all strange and funny.

reached home to collapse in bed.

i'm so tired.

filling my week with even more activities. knowing that it would only make me more exhausted.

when will this end?

i remember a similar time last year.

it was so scary. i was all alone, and i didn't dare tell anyone. i maintained a facade. but it was so hard. it took alot of effort for me to start putting that time behind me..

but somehow, with all the sharing going on these weeks, old wounds have been re-opened. and i realise, they've never healed in the first place. the hurt is ever strong. and it's still bleeding. i'm ready to go back into my shell, to protect myself, at the slightest hint of hurt. i no longer trust.

with all my wounds bleeding again, i'm really not in the mood to do anything.

i start missing people whom i thought i've stopped missing.

i start wanting to do things which i've stopped doing.

i miss the comradeship of old. i miss the closeness we used to share.

and i realise that what i thought i no longer cared about is still so important to me.

my thoughts, worries and insecurities keep swirling in my head. i can't concentrate on anything when concentration is what i need most.

and work hasn't been smooth, making things so much worse.

i'm falling back into that deep dark pit of despair and i've no idea how to get myself out.

i need a break. but i can't take leave.

there's things i want to do. but can't.

there's dreams i want to achieve. but it seems too far away, and unattainable.

i want to be alone. yet i'm too afraid to be alone.

i want someone to sing me to sleep again. but i fear the intimacy.

hurt

2009-02-19T00:30:00.004+08:00

so, i was ranting to some people just now.

people always think that i'm fierce, or scolding someone, or am mad at someone when i'm not.. but that's another story..

so as i was saying yesterday, i've been feeling really low and stuff..

and more things happened today..

and people tell me that it's because i'm a perfectionist, that i should just let things go, that i shouldn't let what others' say get to me.

but i don't think so. i've no idea how to explain this properly. but bottom line, i'm not angry or pissed off or upset.

i'm hurt.

hurt that having known me for a while, people still don't know me. that they can still think that badly of me. that in spite of all my efforts and all, people still don't trust me.

a while back, a slightly older senior who actually isn't all that great at her work told me that she "don't trust (me)" to do the simplest things that baby staff does. that hurt - alot.

i've been so emotional lately, i don't know what's wrong with me.

i tear at the slightest thing, get pissed off at the most innocent remark/comment and get irritated/frustrated super easily.

i'm so not myself. and i don't like it.

and i really DO NOT like probing people. like hello, if i'm not volunteering anything, DON'T ASK!!

every time i open my heart, i get hurt. so badly.

i haven't been sleeping well for a couple of weeks now and it's really not helping my emotional state. i'm such a wreck these days.. i lie awake at night.physically exhausted but my mind refuses to find rest. when i do finally fall asleep, i need to get up again in 2-3 hours to start the day anew. doing long hours at ENT this week isn't helping either.

tuesday and friday renews my sense of worthlessness and uselessness. the other days fill me with apprehension and fear.

i know my stuff. yet i don't know anything at all.

to think i was once so happy to be ENT-trained.

it's just around this time last year. maybe another month or so. the hurt, the trauma, the heartache. i've no idea how i made it through the time when my world came falling down. i still feel the pain as if it was just yesterday. tears still fall when i think about it. more than indignant, angry etc, the keyword here is again, hurt.

i'm too scared to trust anymore.

i'm too wounded to open my heart anymore.

people tell me to pray. to let go. to move on and get over it.

i try. but i can't do this on my own.

yet i can't trust anyone to not break my heart again.

i want someone by my side.
yet,
i just want to be alone.

gaah

2009-02-17T22:33:00.002+08:00

been feeling really low. and worthless. and unhappy.

the feeling's really pulling me down and dragging me under..

i want some peace.

i want someone to stay with me.

yet,

i want to be alone.

i want a drink. a REALLY strong one.

don't get it..

2009-02-13T22:08:00.002+08:00

some stuff happened at work. and i really don't get the uproar. *hmfx*

on a happier note, jean and i went for a valentines' dinner date!! :)

haha.. i'm so glad to have her.. to think we used to really not like each other back in school.. but now, we're like best friends la.. haha.. His ways are indeed mysterious..

feel kind of down these days.. not quite sure why too.. haizz..

work was crappy, yes. i just completed night shift and after a week, i still can't adjust back..

and i've been running non-stop ortho since my night!! i might as well go be ortho girl already.. indeed, those ortho guys see me so much that they think i'm some new ortho recruit.. *sigh*

i'm at ENT next week.. long hours.. with mother goose. God. or people who read this, pray for me.

it'll be 10 whole days before my next off day.. 10 busy Busy BUSY days.. really tired..

but enough about work. BMC has been going GREAT!! :)

made lots of new friends.. 2 of them even live in the next block.. been having lots of fun and learning.. we're going to start our own cell! :) i love them lots :))

tired. going sleep stat.

happy new year :)

2009-01-27T21:46:00.004+08:00

it's the new year already..

CNY day 1 is as usual, WAR! *roar*

pissed the hell outta me. *ROAR*

o well, don't want to talk about it..

this year.. i don't know.. i've got plans which i really want to achieve. so Lord, i'm praying..

baptism and membership classes has already started.. my groups' quite nice.. hope we'll eventually form our own cell..

then my plans.. or rather, my resolutions.. hmmz.

Start my part-time degree next year february.

then from now till then, work hard, save more money.

as usual, whoever knows a way to earn more money, let me know so i can complete my dreams :)

seriously thinking about investing. so gor, let me know ya?

and i really want to meet up with my friends more often! alex, my, jj, zhimin, yeowch n cher etc!! call me! i'm not that busy one can?

and as for sj.. i don't know la.. take it a step at a time.

did i mention? i've already gotten my driving license!! like, the physical photocard driving license.. :)

o ya, of utmost importance. i want get a BOYFRIEND!! like, a proper-we're-dating kinda boyfriend. not the he's-a-boy-and-we're-friends kinda boy-friend!!

happy new year everyone :)

yay!!

2008-12-26T22:39:00.001+08:00

i finally, Finally, FINALLY passed that stupid driving test!!

:)

it took a really long time cos i kept dragging my lessons and all.. but it was a 1st time pass!!

so i'm waiting for my photo-card license to finally arrive in the mail..

somebody lend me a car? i can drive both manual and auto cars..

:(

2008-12-18T22:24:00.002+08:00

God!!

how on earth am i going to raise so much money?!

there isn't even any scholarships which i can apply for.

even the highest limit bank loans can't cover my school fees.

i'm sure i can work part-time to cover my living expenses. i'm sure we have the ability to cover start-up costs. but what about the most important thing - school fees?!

it's around A$60,000 p.a.

Han!! how??

God! please.

please please please please please

dear all who sees this, please either tell me how i can raise the money or help me raise the money. please please please please please.

trauma

2008-12-14T23:37:00.002+08:00

handled my 1st trauma case today. it was, well, traumatic.

20 mins. 20 people. and he's gone. we couldn't save him.

another motorcyclist, another rainy day. this young chap collided into a lorry.

we tried our best. we gave him all the drugs. shocked him alot. CPRed. heart massage. everything. but he just couldn't be brought back.

at the moment we decided to give up, a silence and and gloom so thick you could choke on descended on the room. gone were the jokes and laughter just moments before.

and before you get the wrong idea, we were NOT playing, we were joking and laughing to help relieve stress and tension. we were doing our jobs perfectly well.

then we cleaned him up as best as we could then sent him to ICU to certify and where his family could see and touch him for the last time.

when i saw his name, i was so glad it was not a name i recognised.

dear friends, please do not ride.

updates

2008-11-28T21:30:00.002+08:00

so, life hasn't been too happening lately.. except that i'm going to be fully ENT trained so i've been pushed really hard to do all sorts of ENT stuff..

and, i'm going to do my 1st night shift next weekend!! haha.. *anticipating*

and i FINALLY decided to do something about my not-so-good hearing and tinnitus.. so i've got an ENT appointment booked on tue, to see Julian Lee.. well, at least he's the only one who doesn't know me, so not so awkward i suppose.. hope everything turns out ok..

driving test's on 26/12/08. wish me luck! but i'm darn scared and sure that i'm going to fail.. :(

i'm going for Singapore Trauma 2009!! and DSTC!!

2008-11-14T20:26:00.004+08:00

i'm going for Singapore Trauma 2009!! and DSTC!! wahaha!! happy!!

for more details on DSTC (definitive surgical trauma care course).
http://www.ttsh.com.sg/new/specialtiescentres/ttsh-nni-dstc.php

bugs! it's damn bloody expensive can?

BUT!

i'm going for it, ABSOLUTELY FREE!!

pays to be an OT SN in a hospital which is the "regional trauma training hub".

and i'm also going for Singapore Trauma 2009!!

*super duper ooper happy*

they're both in april 2009. DSTC's 2-3 april and Singapore Trauma is on 4th april.

but i'm already damn hyped!

haha!

*audrey ADORES trauma*
*she wants to be a trauma surgeon!*

bedside ICU handbook

2008-11-14T19:20:00.003+08:00

i've got an absolutely cool book about managing critically ill patients in ICU.

it's got drugs, algorithms, flowcharts etc etc etc. very very good!

han, eat your heart out!!

sorry sir

2008-11-09T04:08:00.001+08:00

当昨天的伤口还在隐隐作痛时，当被伤害的阴影还挥之不散时，我真的没有勇气面对明天。

很荣幸您会邀我同您站在起跑点一起开跑，但我真的不敢面对众人的目光。

我的心魔让我没能好好的投入这个计划。它令我无比地畏惧明天所能带来的伤痛。

你知道吗？那件事对我的自信心与自尊心的打击实在太大了。它让我今天的伤口不仅还未复原，甚至还发了炎。

理由再美，再伟大，依然没能说服我这是个值得的投资。

我知到付出不能要求回报。但我要的不是回报，只是不受伤而已！

这个要求真有那么过分，那么不可行吗？

我不愿意辜负任何人。而我实在没把握做得好。

感觉

2008-11-02T15:19:00.002+08:00

我终于确定了我对他的喜欢，只是一种习惯。

看见他和她在一起时，我内心竟什么感觉都没有。

没有嫉妒。没有痛楚。

没有悲伤难过，同时也没有开心喜悦。

两位都曾是我的好朋友，而心里静静的祝福却始终没能说出口。

前几周约见了一位好朋友。当她发现我外公去世不到一个月时，她的反应竟是我为何不显得很难过。

我是一个没感觉的人吗？

那么疼爱我的人走了，我没显出悲伤。

就算喜欢他只是种习惯，心了怎么可能一点感觉也没有？

我，好无情啊。

我的世界里，只有我。好自私啊。

难怪我会一直被排挤。

难怪我会没人喜欢，更别提爱。

我最好开始准备孤独终老吧。

moving on..

2008-10-26T21:27:00.004+08:00

so, i've finally come to a decision.

it sounds stupid and all, but it's really what i want to do.

1st, i'm going to do a part-time nursing degree at SIM awarded by USyd.

then, i'm going to do MBBS at USyd.

this is my plan.

in the meantime, it'll be years worth of hard saving, tears, sweat etc.

I NEED ALOT ALOT ALOT OF MONEY!!!

everybody please stand by me and help me!

if you know of anyway i can earn money and all, let me know!!

Lord,
this is my earnest prayer. help me Lord. Lord, i will need all the support i can get, financially or otherwise.

help me to have to discipline and perseverance to see this through. help me Lord, to not to have worry incessantly about money.

Lord, i need you at this time more than any other to make this happen.

Father, give me the strength and determination i need.

Father, i commit these into your hands, help me to achieve it.

All these i pray in Jesus' most precious name. Amen.

13/09/08

2008-09-13T21:24:00.000+08:00

He lost the fight today.

bye gong-gong.

i'll see you again when we meet in heaven.

i've been utterly forgotten

2008-07-21T20:33:00.007+08:00

well, life has, as usual, not been going well.. alot of unpleasant things happened these 2 weeks.. some my fault, some really not mine.. so many things i want to talk about, but i can't find anyone who would understand..

haven't been online for 2 weeks already, so was blog-hopping.. and i realise, no matter how hard i've tried, i've been utterly forgotten by everyone. even those whom i hold most dear. i always drive people away from me. and the only word i can use to describe me now is probably lonely.

where's everybody? when everyone's out having fun, do anyone ever remember me at all? when will people start to think that maybe even i need some concern too?

everything i've ever put in effort at, i suck. sj, where i invested most of my time and effort. moving on so well without me. having fun and everything, yet no one remembers me. it pains me to know the count the number of people who even remembers my birthday, much less bother to buy me a present.

i'm just so unimportant to everyone.

alex, my, cher, erene, farah, jj, ck, steph, zili.. all the people whom i used to see so much of, spend so much time with.. they've all forgotten me. it's just as if i've never existed..

my is enlisting on fri. and i don't even know until today. am i really still a friend?

i don't even have a cca or anything else to go to or put in effort for besides work. my life revolves around work and home. nothing else. no activities. no interest group. no cell. nothing.

then why do i want to continue to exist?

tired. very tired.

2008-07-05T20:07:00.003+08:00

i like my work.

but i don't like the environment.

the anaesthetists like me.

the surgeons like me.

but other nurses don't like me.

they think that i'm not respecting them by sharing with other new staff what i know.

they think that i'm flirting with surgeons cos we were chatting/crapping away.

they think that i'm a know-it-all just cos i know a little more stuff than the people who came in together with me.

my boss thinks that i know my work and is good at it. but sharing what i know, which is correct, is not acceptable.

i really don't know what i want anymore.

should i just give up and ask for out?

should i hang on and keep trying?

i thought i became happier after rotating to another theatre where i got alot more opportunities to scrub.

but i now realise, it's just a facade. i'm not really doing better after all.

so what if i'm good at my work?

so what if the anaesthetists think i've got potential?

so what if the surgeons think i'm good?

3 weeks on..

2008-05-29T22:16:00.001+08:00

and i still don't know what i'm doing.

depressed

2008-05-26T21:34:00.002+08:00

i don't know..

i don't feel myself progressing. i don't feel myself learning. i don't feel myself improving.

and i've made that stupid Stupid STUPID mistake which i never should have!!

it's not as if i didn't know. i did. and now i just can't forgive myself for forgetting.

i'm upset and sad all the time. i'm not happy. i think i like my job. but i don't seem to be enjoying myself. the littlest things can trigger my tears and i REALLY DO NOT LIKE IT!!

everyone says that i'm just expecting too much of myself and that i should just relax. that i'm not as bad as i think i am and to give myself a break since i'm just 2 weeks old.

everyone tells me to try a while more and evaluate again. but when is this going to end?!

and for that one bloody mistake which i'm absolutely sorry for, when i already can't forgive myself, half the world is still hot on my case despite it having happened days ago!!

and every other person is asking me about my preference in OTS. and the higher-ups are perpetually telling me that i can ask for a transfer to DSC ward should i really not like scrub. but think about it, if i really am that aversive to being in OTS, i would have asked Sister Lay Hoon to take me out and put me back in the ward long before now!! the only reason why i haven't done so is because i want to give myself a chance to learn new things in OTS. so why on earth would i want to be transferred to DSC ward?!

argh!! how on earth am i going to make myself be understood by those people?!

[help. come save me. anybody.]

i'm in trouble

2008-05-24T22:35:00.002+08:00

i've impressed an anaesthetist so much that i think she's going to try and get me to sicu.

HOPE SHE FAILS!!

today

2008-05-13T22:45:00.002+08:00

today was a really turbulent day.. not that a lot of things happened.. it's just that my emotions went on a wild roller-coaster ride.. in my effort to conceal my unhappiness, i gave a shock to all those who actually witnessed me breaking down..

like sister Ho said, "you're the last person i expect to cry."

as the day draws to an end, i'm glad that it's become more tranquil..

thanks to all those who remembered..

hurt, VERY hurt.

2008-05-12T22:14:00.003+08:00

i don't get it.

just why do you have to keep hurting me the way that you do?!

does it make you happy? does it make you gratified?

just what is wrong?!

just when i'm finally starting to walk out from the shadows of the pain that you've caused me, when my wounds are just beginning to heal, you've to re-open the wound. deeper than ever before.

why?

what have i done to make you want to wound me so?

in my capacity, i've done as best as i could. my methods may not always have been orthodox, but have you ever paused to wonder my intentions?

how can you judge me based on what little that you know. and what you know may not be completely accurate?

i'm tired. very tired.

and i'm more than hurt. i'm so hurt that i've become numbed.

and you really do enjoy wounding me at critical points in my LIFE, don't you?

this has got to be the most hurtful birthday present of my existence.

updates

2008-05-02T23:14:00.005+08:00

1 month in OTS. and i'm quite determined to leave..

like stephen said, my character don't really suit OTS.. i like autonomy in my choice of actions and not having to ask for permission to do everything thing which includes transferring patient, by the way..

but again like he said, since i'm interested in pursuing med-surge, then being in OTS for a while will be good 'cause then i will be able to see the whole process patients go through and help me to better plan/execute my pre-/post-operative care..

so, i'm going to take his advice and stay in OTS for a year then transfer out..

on the other hand, thanks yihan..
i know i quite nearly drove you mad the other night with all my grouses about OTS and stuff.. but thanks so much for listening and being my verbal punching bag.. and staying up late to be it!

seems quite funny really.. we rarely even talk when he was still in singapore.. but now that he's in adelaide, we talk on msn almost everyday!! lol..

jia you worz!!

and according to this future doctor/surgeon, my problems will be solved by me getting a boyfriend!! hmfx. yea right!!

but in the meantime, i have my pbf- jj!! lol!

yea, so Sister Ho asked us to stay back and talk to her about our posting.. 'cause most of us didn't choose to be in OTS.. we were posted here 'cause they're expanding and needed alot of new staff..
so we were sharing and she was saying something like i could have gone to DSC where it's still a ward even though the patients only stay a while and it's not as challenging as in the real ward.

i tell you, if she really does transfer me to DSC, i'd either quit ttsh or go commit suicide or something!! hello, DSC leh!! o my goodness, she must be quite mad..

o, and han was saying that i should go and take my nursing bachelor's locally then apply for the usydmp which take only 4 years for me to get mbbs. then i was telling him NO MONEY!! so he was like, just apply and get in first then think about the money later.. hmmz.. should i?

o well.. yea!! gonna meet up with some of my friends for movie tomorrow!! happy!!

and my heartless gang. say what will definitely try and meet up but till now.. hmfx.

and a short something about sj.. well, things are really out of hand now.. and i'm actually quite guilty about missing all the zone stuff which i have a responsibility towards.. thank God i really am working so i can 'legally' miss those events.. but the guilt still pervades..

i missed something about OTS.. you know the ICU survival course? where they have a 4-pages long reading list? guess what? OTS received our reading list today and it's 9 bloody pages long!! along with learning EVERYTHING from scratch, i think i'm just gonna drop dead on the streets soon..

argh!! i'm totally randomized.. too sleepy/tired i guess.. gonna go sleep now.. still got work tomorrow!

i'm gonna go rob a bank.

2008-04-27T22:10:00.002+08:00

i want money. ALOT of money.

at least SGD$500,000 to be specific.

Lord, please.

Lord, i've never wanted anything this much in my life.
Father, please grant me my wish.
Father, tell me what i must do.
Father, this is all i've ever wanted to do. and i've only just realised so.
Father, i pray for this with all of me, continually.

2 weeks on

2008-04-20T20:58:00.002+08:00

2 weeks on and i'm really worried for my future..

i mean, not that OTS is bad or what, it's just that the skill set is just so different from all other areas! if i decide to leave OTS, i'm not sure if i'll be able to make it.. come to think of it, i don't even know if i will be able to stay on..

and we have to share lockers. the lockers are already so small but we still need to share. i don't seem to have any space to put my stuff!

was sorting instruments yesterday and i'm really afraid that i won't be able to do it. there's just too much that i don't know and have to learn. it's kinda hard to cope. i mean, in a normal ward, at least i'm already familiar with most of the basic skills and routine. there isn't so much to worry about.

but in OTS, i know nuts. not people, not work flow, not skills, not environment, not nothing!! o God. what am i gonna do?!

真是的！

2008-04-13T21:50:00.002+08:00

问过一个自称喜欢我的人到底喜欢我哪里，他什么都不肯说。

昨天问了一个自称敬佩我，在我身上学到很多东西的人到底敬佩我哪里，学到了什么东西。这个家伙不仅什么都不说，还要我慢慢发掘？！

天啊，如果我知道的话，就不需要问了！更不会有今天的落魄。

reflections of a 2 days old RN

2008-04-08T22:18:00.001+08:00

shh.. don't tell anyone.. but i'm an imposter! i'm actually still a student..

OMG! OMG! OMG!

2008-04-07T21:52:00.002+08:00

i've been posted to.. OT.

o God, this is SooO unexpected.

i'm still in shock.

OMG!!

2008-04-06T20:31:00.002+08:00

omg!

i'm starting work tomorrow.

and i'm so NOT prepared!!

i don't want to start work.
i'm not ready.
mentally and emotionally, i'm spent.
i've been dealt too heavy a blow and i haven't recovered from it.
and i can't seem to garner the energy to do anything.

and as for actually starting work..
well, i'm also not prepared on that front.
i'm very scared. and paranoid.
i'm afraid that i can't fit in.
i'm afraid that i can't cope.
i'm afraid that i'll commit some error and (in)directly cause someone to die/suffer at my hands.
i'm so afraid that i don't want to go to work tomorrow.
i'm so paranoid that i want to quit nursing now.

i don't know.
i mean, i'm such a failure. how can i be trusted with the life and well-being of others?!

感言

2008-03-24T20:59:00.002+08:00

挣扎了这么久，为的是这种结局吗？

我此生真的除了天定没人要，同样也注定是个失败吗？

我承认我错了。

或许，一开始就是错。

现在，我还想让错误继续下去吗？

大概，从我的出生就是错。

思绪零乱。不知所措。

累了。想休息。

但也不叫休息吧，既然我从来都没有贡献过。

那就让我这只虫长眠吧。

camp + random

2008-03-16T00:05:00.003+08:00

comp day

2008-03-15T23:53:00.003+08:00

long time

2008-03-10T01:25:00.003+08:00

it's been a long time.. in which alot of things happened..

i finally passed PRCP. and got a job. just waiting to start work on 7 april.

been REAL BUSY with st john in the meantime..

so yea.. alot of ups and downs.. been whacked quite badly.. but also been shocked and stunned by many..

THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU WHO HELPED!! you know who you are. you're the ones whom i smsed or called..

won't post about the competition itself cos some is just too private while others are being repeated too many times already..

blogger got prob so can't post pics. next time then.

shit

2008-01-16T01:58:00.000+08:00

all my dear friends, i'm just waddling through chest-high shit now.. if you still love me, call me yea?

o ya, i got whacked by my confused patient when we were trying to restrain him today.. -_-"

and i've got LOTS of random injuries!!

dr tseng thinks i'm jinxed.

dr ang sau shiun thinks i'm 'siao'.

dr su sheng yong thinks i should go learn cannulation.

dr kuan ling yee likes to ask me to do random things.

dr derek leong takes FOREVER to come up and settle my stuff.

but at least drs ng zhi xu and winnie ng are NICE.

and i miss my old HOs.. like timothy teo, wu ying jie, huang wen jie, kelvin tan, koh wei thye, angela tan etc..

o well, all my dear drs, I LOVE YOU!!

same goes for all the absolutely WONDERFUL RNs!! karen, navin, chloe, meme, yanling, arsenia...

i think, i should quit nursing.
and i think i'm gonna fail PRCP.

-got bullied-

2007-12-30T00:01:00.000+08:00

my patient bullied me and gave me a bruise the size of a 20-cent coin!!

may not be very obvious from the pic but it sure hurt!!
-gah!-

ND

2007-12-23T03:28:00.001+08:00

i'm at work. on ND.

nothing to do.

God, i'm BORED!!

quick updates

2007-12-16T22:15:00.000+08:00

went on super shopping sprees.. spent about $500.. lolz.. bought lotsa stuff.. happy~~

went drinking with my friends last night.. no hangover but woke up looking like a cooked lobster.. and i was stratching like the offspring of a monkey!! but i enjoyed it la..

anyway, PRPC been real bad.. think i'm gonna flunk out..

and St. John is just shit as usual.. o well..

nothing to say..

i went on a shopping spree today. whee~

2007-12-09T23:59:00.001+08:00

friends only

2007-12-03T20:28:00.000+08:00

schedule out till 6/1/08.

call me and book appt.

PRCP

2007-11-30T22:34:00.000+08:00

i think, i'm gonna fail.

i think, i'm not cut out to be a nurse.

i think, i should just go die.

思潮起伏

2007-11-27T23:16:00.000+08:00

我又开始想太多了。

好久都没看电视了。。

但自上周起在孟追韩剧。。

所以，又开始质疑我对他是否只是一种习惯。习惯想着他，习惯喜欢着他。

看着他的照片，嘴角都会不自觉地微笑。想他时的样子，都像个大傻瓜。

明知怎么都不可能会有个什么，心里却一直在奢望不可能。

想念的季节步步逼近，想见他的欲望也越来越难忍。

想打电话给他，又害怕无话可说。怕他不接电话，怕他正在忙。

想传简讯，却又因为知道他从不回简讯而无动于衷。

然后又一直有一种实习会不及格的感觉。每天上班都在害怕会害死人。害怕会做错事。害怕没能应付。

这一次真的不一样了。不能再玩了。最后一次，能不能毕业就看它了。也因此倍感压力。

该怎么办呢？

想得多了，晚上都失眠。白天又一直想睡觉。

本想约朋友去玩，但想到的人一个个爽约。

现在，也大概只有这里能让我将心里话说出来了。习惯把心事隐瞒，但这次真的忍得太痛苦了。

想好好地哭一场，将内心压抑着的情绪一次过发泄出来。但怎么都流不出泪。

不说了，反正只是越说越难过。

my friends

2007-11-08T00:21:00.000+08:00

i'm losing all my friends, one by one.

all the people whom i used to see really often and were really close to.

erene, farah, hsiao ling, lizi, cheryl, yeow chin.. even people like alex, mingyang, zili..

cos i'm perpetually more preoccupied with something else.

cos i'm always too busy.

cos i didn't put in the effort.

i don't make friends easily. close friends are rare and far between for me. yet i can't even keep the few i have.

and in the days to come, i'll only lose even more. cos of my schedule, cos of the nature of my work. cos when i'm free, i'm more interested on catching up on sleep and trying to complete my case study or what not.

but it's probably all for the best. i'm such a lousy person to be with. i'm better off alone. this self-imposed isolation is just best for everyone.

but i just want you guys to know that you have a place in my heart. and i'll always count you among my best friends.

just, don't forget that i was ever once in your life.

my Zen

2007-11-03T20:59:00.000+08:00

i love.

just updating

2007-10-28T21:09:00.000+08:00

hmmz.. been about 2 weeks since i last blogged.. well A&E posting is over and i really enjoyed it alot.. met lotsa nice people.. shuxian, jessica, pauline, shimin and that funny sean.. not forgetting CI joyce.. and yes, i did get a chance to psycho her about letting me in for A&E PRCP.. HAHA!!

first week of geron over.. MRSA ward.. so we're REALLY particular about infection control.. i've got a bit of paranoia.. i wash all my stuff in dettol and bathe with dettol soap.. lol.. anyway, settling in quite well.. got rather interesting and 'interesting' cases.. love the CI siew mee..

I SAW MAGGOT THERAPY IN ACTION!!

it's really cool!! haha. ask me about it when you see me..

homework piling up but still manageable i guess..

but my problem with retaining food is back. :(

A&E day 1

2007-10-15T23:20:00.000+08:00

i don't like.

i LOVE!!

=)

random tests again

2007-10-14T23:47:00.000+08:00

results are mixed.. some amazingly real but some are just so off..
but the real whacker is this:

Who is your dream guy?
Here is the analysis:According to your answers; if you are not kidding, you are too complicated. Sorry, we are unable to offer the analysis. Press Back button on you browser, check ONE question that you were not completely sure and try again with a different answer that you think it would be correct.

Hot or Not? (for girls)
[Part 1] Self Confidence: 70% -> You're confident.
[Part 2] Sensory Perceptions: 51% -> Somewhat sensitive to stimulation around you.
[Part 3] Body Language: 70% -> Quite good at utilizing on occasions.
[Part 4] Conversational Skills: 73% -> You can fit in with society.
[Part 5] Empathy For Others: 77% -> Occasionally empathizes with others.
You are a typical girl, like the majority.

How do you react to compliments?
Here is the analysis:
If you try to change the subject when you are being complimented or you simply ignore it, this means that you don't like to pretend and you cherish authenticity. You feel that saying nice things to someone is merely an attempt to please the listener. You don't believe there is truth in compliments, and think that the complimenter must want something in return. You have good self-esteem and aren't afraid of criticizing, or being criticized.

How well do you get along with others?
Here is the analysis:
You can make friends with anyone and are always interested in what people have to say, but you can also spend time alone quite happily and without getting bored. You don't overreact to things around you, and people consider you to be a bit of a cool cucumber.

Your Favorite Ice Cream Flavor
Strawberry
You are affectionate, giving and loving. You are very understanding of others which makes you a person others want to be with.

The Pattern of Your Tableware
White
Simplicity is your signature style. You like to stick to your daily routine and don't mind at all that there's not much excitement in your life. You are sensible and well in control of your emotions.

Your Favorite Zoo Animal
Giraffe
You are decisive and never give up. You have a plan for anything that you do and you will follow the plan until your goals are realized.

The Thing You Forgot
Here is the analysis:
You care for people. Other people's small matters easily shock you. You look brave, but in fact you are hiding weaknesses inside. You often talk about your faults or things that you think you could have done better again and again, though no one criticizes you about them.

Your Working Style
You use you thinking to look for the principles underlying the sensory information that comes into awareness. As a result, you are logical, analytical, and objectively critical. You are not likely to be convinced by anything but reasoning based on solid facts.
While you like to organize facts and data, you prefer not to organize situations or people unless you must for the sake of your work. You can be intensely but quietly curious. Socially you may be rather shy except with your best friends. You sometimes become so absorbed with one of your interests that you can ignore of lose track of external circumstances.
You are somewhat quiet and reserved, although you can be quite talkative on a subject where you can apply your great storehouse of information. In everyday activities you are adaptable, except when one of your ruling principles is violated, at which point you stop adapting. You are good with your hands, and like sports and the outdoors, or anything that provides a wealth of information for your senses.
If you have developed your powers of observing the world around you, you will have a firm grasp on the realities of any situation, and show a great capacity for the important and unique facts of a situation. You are interested in how and why things work and are likely to be good at applied science, mechanics, or engineering. If you do not have technical or mechanical interests, you often use your talents to bring order out of unorganized facts. This ability can find expression in law, economics, marketing, sales, securities, or statistics.
You may rely so much on the logical approach of thinking that you overlook what other people care about and what you yourself care about. You may decide that something is not important, just because it isn't logical to care about it. If you always let your thinking suppress your feeling values, your feeling may build up pressure and find expression in inappropriate ways. Although good at analyzing what is wrong, you sometimes find it hard to express appreciation. But if you try, you will find it helpful on the job as well as in personal relationships.
You are in some danger of putting off decisions or of failing to follow through. One of your outstanding traits is economy of effort. This trait is an asset if you judge accurately how much effort is needed; then you do what the situation requires without fuss or lost motion. If you cannot judge accurately, or if you just don't bother, then nothing of importance gets done.

How do you eat fried eggs?
Here is the analysis:
You are logical, smart and inventive. It's okay for you to make people think that you are a little self-centered. You just focus on what you're doing.

When will you get married?
Here is the analysis:
You want to get married as soon as possible. You may get married at the age of 20 or right after you have finished your education.
(I wish.)

The Third Eye
Here is the analysis:
You are scared of being cheated on by others and don't want to be disappointed. That's why you seem to be contented with unrequited love.

Why do you love someone?
Here is the reason:
You think he or she is a very smart one. You love his/her brain.

The secret of the fourth coin
Here is the analysis:
It would be very difficult for you to fall in love with someone. But when you love, honesty is your first priority. You are an emotional person.

How do you choose your soulmate?
The decisions you have made indicates your criteria in choosing your soulmate.More important matters come first on the list below:
1. Education
2. Money
3. Love
4. Appearance

A&E

2007-10-14T22:07:00.000+08:00

going A&E tomorrow.

FINALLY!!

haha.

oooh.. the anticipation!

OT day 5

2007-10-12T20:56:00.000+08:00

last day at OT..

really had lotsa fun.. gonna miss that place..

but i'm going ED next week!!

*happy*

*smiles*

really hope i can go either ED or OT for PRCP..

*prays HARD*

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/

2007-10-10T23:16:00.000+08:00

random tests.. lolz.. some are really quite true sia.. but some are just.. -_-"
all the different tests i did are in different colors.. enjoy!!

Get to know yourself better

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you meet that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

The Real You

Here is the analysis:
1. You are a very serious person. You tend to be quiet and well behaved, and you don't have a great deal of self-confidence. You prefer to be alone rather than with friends and that could make you a little less interesting to certain types of guys. You are very attractive in an individual kind of way, and this means it can take people a little while to get to like you.

2. You really care about other people's feelings and are quite serious about the issues that affect your life. You are sincere, and your concern for the well-being of others makes many people want to be your friend.

3. You strictly follow rules, and you expect other people to be the same as well. People can get tired of you easily, as you can make them feel a little guilty about themselves. You always make decisions on your own, and can be dismissive of other people's advice. You like to be the leader in groups, but can forget to be concerned about the people you are with.

4 . Your peers think of you as a fun person, but sometimes you can be a little irresponsible. You can be somewhat childish, and can try to ignore the fact that you will one day need to really grow up and be a mature adult! Perhaps you could start reading good books; they might help you look at the world in a different light. You do want to be taken seriously, right?

5. Your boyfriend believes that you are a strong and independent person. Your confidence and cheerfulness make you an attractive person to be around, but sometimes you need to pay more attention to what other people, including your boyfriend, are thinking.

What's your personality love style?

Here is the analysis:
You desire a love that will last forever. You are quite serious about finding this type of love, and that's why you think carefully about the men that you meet before deciding whether you could really love them. You don't just develop a crush on someone overnight: you look at a person's personality and other aspects of their life before deciding to form an attachment. If a guy doesn't meet your expectations, you would rather be alone. Your love has to be perfect. Be careful though, you could be missing out on some worthy relationships because your standards are so high.

What type of personality do you have?

Here is the analysis:
Bright and Cheerful
You are always cheerful and charming. You never get too serious with people when they're around, but when you are alone, you think carefully about what they have said. That's because you don't want anyone to see you being too somber. Your personality means you have a lot of friends and you are often the center of attention. Many people who fall into this category become artists and movie stars, perhaps fame could be yours in the future as well.

Are You Nosy?

Nosy Level: 60%
You may seem to be a nosy person to some people, but actually you are quite a serious person who's not at all interested in gossip. You just like to know what's going on around you. It's a natural interest and you can get offended when people tell you they think you're a sticky-beak.

The Clothes You Wear

What others see from your style
You tend to not be very imaginative. You lack self-confidence and are not very particular about what you choose in your life. You give in to others and prefer stability to change.

What your nightclothes reveal
You are friendly and always in good mood. You are candid and helpful, and can be sexy at times too.

What others see from your ties
You enjoy being alone. You like to live the simple but good life, and you cherish your freedom. You are thoughtful, confident and uninterested in glamour.

What others see from your belts
If there's not a single belt in your wardrobe, you like freedom and are opposed to all kinds of rules. You are creative and very good at work that requires you to stretch your imagination. Your main downfall, however, is that you can be very moody.

What others see from your shoes
You like to be the center of attention. You like to look good at all times and probably never leave the house without makeup on. Although you may be intelligent, you're also insecure about your looks. You care about others, and will always listen to what they have to say.

What others see from your earrings
You are a sweet and talkative person. You are sociable, energetic and interesting, and get easily bored by the same old things. You are always looking for adventure.

The last analysis
You are probably a clever and adventurous person. You love to learn new things, and enjoy socializing with friends. Although you enjoy your freedom, you cherish peacefulness and like to spend time alone with your thoughts.

OT day 2

2007-10-09T22:37:00.000+08:00

-i like!!-

haha.. quite a fun place..

but keep char siew AWAY from me..

darn. all the lipomas look like char siew..

freaking cold place!! and my scrub suit is waaay toooo biiiiggg!!

never got a chance to scrub but circulated for 2 days..

going TSSU tomorrow.. sian..

then thurs going PACU..

then fri going reception..

i'm not making sense.. so going Zz land.. ciao!!

:/

2007-10-05T22:46:00.000+08:00

one of my bestest friends is stuck in a personal crisis yet i don't even know about it.

what kind of friend am i?

today

2007-09-04T22:04:00.000+08:00

as the people whom i held dear left without even a word, it only added on to my sense of isolation.

yet, isn't this what i want and need? to be alone with my thoughts, to cope with things my own way, to learn to stand up on my own two feet.

i don't know. i simply don't know anything anymore.

i'm such a failure.

[my already plummeting sense of self-worth just shot to the other side of earth.]

GET LOST AND STOP IRRITATING ME!!

2007-09-04T00:30:00.000+08:00

I'm NOT emo-ing! I'm going through alot of stress myself. You guys aren't the only ones who're stressed etc.

My grandfather has stage 4 CA gastric with distant metastases. He's DYING. He's only got approximately 6 months or less left!

He's my only grandfather. He's the one who brought me up.I'm still trying to come to terms with his sickness and all that's happening. I'm worried, I'm upset, I'm grieving.

If my being unable to face you guys or am always moody and prone to tears when you do see me constitutes as being "hormonal', 'emo" and "mood-swing", then FINE. So be it.

My mom keeps losing her temper at me, my corps need me, my friends don't understand me. God, just take me away.

God, if you so will, may I offer myself to take the sufferings of my grandfather? May I take his pain and suffering for him? May I be the one with CA instead?

And to the one who was there seeing me keep eating ice-cream and giving you lots of probs etc, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to take it out on you. Thanks so much for keeping me company those days. 'cos you're like the only one who's left beside me, your support and presence gives me the courage I need to go to the hospital to see him everytime I spend time with you. <3
I've nothing left, please don't ignore me.

bit of randomness

2007-08-31T21:25:00.001+08:00

I AM
68%
OPTIMUS PRIME Take the Transformers Quiz

Optimus Prime

Optimus Prime is the heroic leader of the Autobots. He is the personification of courage, strength, and integrity. His personal motto is that “Freedom is the right of all sentient beings.”

Like Optimus Prime, you are good by nature. But beware because mischievous thoughts sometimes tempt you. You are inspiring, confident, and a natural leader. The Autobots have chosen well. In addition, you use technology when you need to, but you do not embrace the latest trends.

:'(

2007-08-30T02:14:00.000+08:00

想哭却哭不出的感觉真得很糟。

Job Ad

2007-08-26T23:16:00.000+08:00

Position: Guardian Angel of -me-

Requirements:

love me
be there for me

Benefits: negotiable

Interested parties can apply via SMS/MSN/e-mail.

If you don't already have these contact details of mine, I'm not interested in you.

God, I just hate myself so much..!!

2007-08-11T01:15:00.001+08:00

God, just take me away.

I don't understand my purpose here.

I can't do ANYTHING.

I'm good at absolutely NOTHING.

NOTHING I do is ever correct.

God, I'm so talentless, useless and worthless. What can I do?

Why am I the way I am?

Why did you make me so?

Lord, I can't take it anymore. Just take me away, please.

:(

2007-08-10T23:46:00.000+08:00

alot of things happening recently..

yea.. to update those who knows what's happening, it's confirmed.. my granddad has stomach cancer.. it's stage III-IV, kiv pinhole examination on monday.. i mean, i kind of expected it when his Hb was only 5 with NO sign of bleeding anywhere.. but, stomach cancer is abit off.. i'd expected liver cancer more since he already has liver cirrhosis and fatty liver..

exams start next week but i'm totally NOT prepared.. haven't even touched any of my books at all..

after NDP on wed, both TICs wanted to speak to us.. alot of issues with training.. but i'm really in no mood right now.. i don't even want to stay on already!! and that M sir is not approving my request to withdraw from ZPD committee.. *pissed* none of you likes me or wants me to stay, so why're you torturing both you and i by not allowing me to quit?!

*can't take it*

still coughing but much better already.. thank God. Amen. :)

school this week has been real traumatic.. it's the last week already.. everybody's taking lots of pictures with everyone.. today's the last day.. can't believe how fast time has flown by.. i can still remember orientation.. when we were all so shy.. till today.. we're all 'grown' and leaving already..

and my successor decided that he needs more time. time is what you need. yet time is what i cannot afford to give you.

very tired.

[call me and talk to me, please]

confession

2007-08-07T00:40:00.000+08:00

i'm missing him like mad.

说不出口的话

2007-08-06T22:34:00.000+08:00

有些话，对着你我说不出口。

对你的期望，带给你很多压力。我很抱歉。

你是我一手教出来的，所以，对你的信赖与厚望更会远远超过其他的人。很多时候，我只愿意将工作分配给你，因为身边就只有你完全了解我的要求。

不需我多说，却依然能猜出我在想什么的人，在那里，大概也是只有你。

它，代表的是我的责任。
它，代表的是我的热忱。
它，代表的是我对你的期望。

但如果它只能代表一件事，那它，代表的一定是我曾经对你许下的承诺。

好好想清楚。我等你的答复。

不论结果如何，我永远都会在你身后为你加油，打气。

just -_-"

2007-08-02T23:40:00.000+08:00

finally went to the GP to find out the reason behind my weeks worth of cough, blocked nose etc..

the reason is really just -_-"

Dr. said my s/s sounds like mycoplasma infection.

gave me 2 days MC. diagnosis : chest infection.

hmmz.. hang on. chest infection is pneumonia isn't it?

so i actually got pneumonia?! that's so random!!

did some reading on it.

Primary Atypical Pneumonia

Pneumonia caused by Mycoplasma pneumoniae is generally classified as primary atypical pneumonia, because it's presentation and course significantly differ from other bacterial pneumonias. Mycoplasma infection often causes pharyngitis or bronchitis. When pneumonia develops, patchy inflammatory changes in the alveolar sputum and interstitial tissue of the lung occur. Alveolar exudate and consolidation of lung tissue are not features of atypical pneumonia.

Young adults - college students and military recruits in particular - are the primary affected population. Primary atypical pneumonia is highly infectious. Its manifestations resemble those of viral pneumonia; systemic manifestations of fever, headache, myalgias, and arthralgias often predominate. The cough associated with atypical pneumonia is dry, hacking, and nonproductive. Because of the typically mild nature and predominant systemic manifestations, mycoplasmal and viral pneumonia are often referred to as " walking pneumonias".

LeMone, P. & Burke, K.M. (2004). Medical-surgical nursing: Critical thinking in client care. (3rd ed.). New Jersey: Prentice Hall

so for all the people whom i accidentally infected.. i'm soo sorry!!

of all the random things that can happen to me.

just -_-"

announcement

2007-07-31T15:23:00.000+08:00

i hereby announce that all my ICAs, projects and presentations are finally O-V-E-R OVER!! woohoo!! yea!!

*dance around like mad*

it's been such a long journey till today.. and the last project of my course has been handed in..

through the years, i've long lost count of the number of projects and presentations i've done..

week after week of mad rush to finish the projects and presenatations.. weeks of worry and preparation. all over now.

last lap: year 3 finals.

clear it and i'll truly step into the last stage of my nursing course: PRCP.

Lord, stay by me, for this is when I need You the most. Amen

..rumblings..

2007-07-27T23:30:00.000+08:00

sometimes, i just find SJ so pointless..!! it's like, the corps has been going downhill for years and nothing i do seems to make even a little bit of difference!! from the glory days of old till the state it's in today, i've been through it all and i feel really disheartened by what i'm seeing..

the standard nowadays is so low that i really can't recognise the SJ i grew up in anymore..

NCOs are ill-disciplined.
sec 1s still can't even manage 'sedia', 'senang diri' and 'ke-kanan lurus' properly.
sec 2s are not performing.
cadets who choose days with SJ training to fast and then use it as an excuse to fall out.
sec 3s who can't even march properly.
PT lasts about 15 mins.
sec 2s took a whooping 27.30 mins to change from full-u to PT kit.
sec 2s who think that PT kit means wear SJ t-shirt.
sec 3s who still fidget in parade.
sec 1s who don't even know how to reply loudly and clearly.
NDP contingent which don't know 'belok'.

and MANY more...

demoted a sec 2 cadet to the sec 1 squad today. didn't make me feel good and really didn't want to do it but her standard is just so atrocious that she simply needs to re-learn everything from the basics.

in fact, alot of sec 2s are really still at the sec 1 level and the sec 1s are performing like fresh recruits!

i don't know.. all that's happening is just so discouraging.. and it doesn't help things by being so time-consuming..

i can't figure out what i can/should do to make the situation improve even by a little bit.. it's worse than teaching an infant how to walk.. the corps has regressed from a toddler who is running about to an infant capable of only crawling..

is it because of me that things are the way it is? did i not do enough? are my training methods wrong?

~happy~

2007-07-26T22:16:00.000+08:00

happy for 2 reasons..

1) met lawrence yesterday.. haven't seen him for about a year already!! missed him so much.. he's in army now and managed to catch up with him.. hees.. so happy..

2) NDP training today. there was TREMENDOUS improvement in the standard and coordination of the contingent. HAPPY!!

hahaz..

busy busy bumblebee..

2007-07-24T17:15:00.000+08:00

haha.. yea.. been really busy recently..

got 2 ICAs this week.. 1 yesterday and 1 tomorrow..

tomorrow also got lesson with the scouts.. been dragging and postponing it for a looong time already.. so glad it's finally going to be done.

thursday got extra NDP contingent training.. my CK is going.. so i'll only go if i'm free and if LBM ends class ON TIME.

friday got training, as usual..

finished reading HPDH in about 6 hours.. not bad.. should have been studying but the lure of that book sitting in my table is just tooo great..

just passed my 2nd skill.. got ETT suctioning and J Lee.. so happy..!! i may not fail the module after all..!! wahaha..

bugged KLKX just now over random 1st aid questions.. wahaha..!! thanks ya?

got my attachment postings le.. i got 6 weeks break, followed by 17weeks of attachment. (1st week OT, 2nd week ED, 3rd-5th weeks gerontology followed by 12 weeks PRCP.) all at TTSH.. phew..!

so what am i gonna do during my 6 weeks break?

1) SLEEP!!

2) re-write the home nursing syllabus.

3) finish my driving lessons and get my license.

4) study, Study and STUDY for PRCP..

that's all i thought of at the moment.. will continue to update the list..

thinking about starting a new blog chronicling my adventures through my 17 weeks posting.. but o well.. guess that can wait.. lolz..

Sec 3s;
read the replies from you guys. i am so surprised (maybe shocked) by the results that it feels kinda surreal and.. erm.. not so true..? like it doesn't really come from the bottom of your hearts..?
anyway, i'll take what you said into consideration before making my decision. right now, just concentrate on NDP, ROD and your exams.. leave the rest to us to worry about.

back..!!

2007-07-18T21:43:00.000+08:00

yay!! i finally got rid of that lousy old 6280 of mine and got got N73 Music Edition instead..!! yea!!

lousy old phone

brand new N73 ME

I AM SO HAPPY..!! WHEE..!! WAHAHA..!!

but i failed my 1st skill.. everybody who got airway managemnt with J Leong failed.. sobz.. and i didn't know alot of stuff in my theory paper today.. so, i guess.. i've a VERY HIGH likelihood of failing the module.. shit.

and i didn't make it for LSCN.. *really really disappointed*

can't finish all my projects.

*stressed*

[i love my nescafe]

K.I.D. parents' workshop

2007-07-14T00:27:00.000+08:00

so we had a workshop for the kids' parents.. and we volunteers were there to take care (babysit) the kids while janice/evelyn conducted the workshop..

brought maureen along.. so glad she enjoyed herself..

rushed down for BHN exam after that and met some really cute WSS cadets..

anyway, point here is.. the PICS..!!

Settling down to colour the pictures they selected..

All the completed works.. mine is the one at the bottom-left corner..

Shawn pointing to his masterpiece (top-left corner)

Yi Wei pointing to his masterpiece (top row, 3rd from left)

Gilbert and his masterpiece (3rd column, 2nd piece)

the kids enjoyed themselves soo much..!! and i'm amazed that eveyone could settle down to colour quietly.. (they were all boys..) the kids did really well too..!!

The Winners..!!

Gilbert

Shawn

Gary

My FAVE pic!! (From left to right: Shawn, me, Gilbert, Yi Wei, Gary.)

From left to right: Shawn, Gilbert, me, Gary.

life in motion

2007-07-12T22:22:00.000+08:00

gosh..!! it's already week 13!! T-H-I-R-T-E-E-N!! that makes my finals a month away!! and next week got BOTH practical and theory exams. i am so dead.

finally started doing clemaus' and CA breast projects.. both due week 15. then community health also haven't do yet.. *sigh*

CARMEN! CA breast: jiao gei ni le!
MAUREEN! community health: jiao gei ni le!
i will take care of clemaus.
let's work together and chiong finish our final projects..!!

seriously, been working with you guys for more than 2 years already. must really say a big THANK YOU to the 5 of you for putting up with me so much.. i get irritated very easily and like to change alot of the things which you guys have done.. i like to think that i'm all that but most of the time i just delegate you guys to do everything.. fortunately, end of day, we manage to pull through everytime.. it's the last few already.. so let's just work together these last few weeks to finish up everything yea?

ROD coming real fast.. seriously thinking about ROD-ing out with J they all.. so sec 3s, let me know if you want me to stay or go.. drop a note into my letterbox.. i'll collect them next week..

if i do ROD out, formal resignation from organization will definitely follow.. that's for sure.. but even if i don't ROD out, i'll still want to think about resigning from organization.. i'm just soo NOT recognised and appreciated that i don't know why i even bother anymore..!!

don't know.. just so sick now.. got slight fever, sore throat, headache and a super sexy voice.. sianz..

feeling better

2007-07-08T02:23:00.000+08:00

went out with SK just now and watched Transformers.. wasn't such a great movie but it really helped to take my mind off things for a couple of hours.. SK, you probably didn't realise it but thanks for making me feel better after all the trauma i've been through these 2 days..

zone exco was crap as usual.. but at least we've finally gotten back all the missing BFA certs.
E, i'm just soo mad at you. i may not have done much but at least i've given of my time. yet you just overlook me in everything. ZSM. fine. crap.

i think, it's really time for me to start considering giving up on SJ totally.. despite having thought about it in the past, i've never really put it in action. as my finals draw nearer and my PRCP approaches, i guess, now is the best time to put it down and carry on with my life.

you know, Mrs T is the only person in the whole organization who cares about me and is concered about my coming exams. this organization is soo bloody big yet i can only find 1 person who even thought about it. O-N-E PERSON. God, what a laugh.

no one else gave a damn even when i told them about it specifically. only Mrs T remembered to ask about it.

God, what a damn bloody laugh.

Starless Nights

just, fucked up

this past week

不想当熟悉的陌生人

2 years on

1 year on

post-meeting considerations

H1N1 screening

lousy me

life as a major

:)

Swine Flu

insecure

bad mood

decisions, decisions..

*after shock*

God

There should be a cap on resources used when managing trauma

:)

darn.

The Will of God

baptism

low self-esteem attack

stressed.

魔女回来了

:)

给：家杰

internal battle

joshie

that scary black pit again

*hurt*

*gaah*

don't get it..

happy new year :)

yay!!

:(

trauma

updates

i'm going for Singapore Trauma 2009!! and DSTC!!

bedside ICU handbook

sorry sir

感觉

moving on..

13/09/08

i've been utterly forgotten

tired. very tired.

3 weeks on..

*depressed*

i'm in trouble

today

hurt, VERY hurt.

updates

i'm gonna go rob a bank.

2 weeks on

真是的！

reflections of a 2 days old RN

OMG! OMG! OMG!

OMG!!

感言

camp + random

comp day

long time

*shit*

-got bullied-

ND

quick updates

i went on a shopping spree today. whee~

*friends only*

PRCP

思潮起伏

my friends

my Zen

just updating

A&E day 1

random tests again

A&E

OT day 5

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/

OT day 2

:/

after shock

hurt

gaah

depressed

shit

friends only

confession

feeling better